Textual Harrassment

13 Mar

Here is where I take all the cool stuff I put on my facebook notes and put it here.
But Kyle, can’t we just look at it on your facebook? Good question.
Fuck no.

I don’t know what a “more…” tag is; so I added three of them.

Here’s the poop:

Me and Lanny text way, WAY more than any two men ever should. Since I’ve got texting a month ago, Lanny and I have texted each other every day without fail. Not only is the texting itself disturbing, it’s what we text about. I’d say roughly 70% of all of our texts are some part of the male anatomy. 5% are obscure jokes about the Wire. 3% are me asking Lanny “Are you at the apartment?”. 10% are questions about possible Fantasy Football trades involving Joey Kochetta. 2% are viable, real conversation. I thought to give everybody a taste of what our texts are like, I’d post a few of them here.

From Lanny:
1. Kyle: Bonzai Boners!
Lanny: You’re lucky I’m not in hachie to kick your ass.

2. Lanny: How did Josh’s advisor meeting go?
Kyle: Not well, his advisor told him he had Downs Syndrome.
Lanny: Really? I didn’t think advisors were supposed to tell you that kind of thing
Kyle: Well, they did. Ask him about it.
Lanny: You were right, he did have downs…i put him down when I got back friday night.
Kyle: Wait, you’re kidding..right? you REALLY put him down???
Lanny: I did.

3. Kyle: I’m a PC and i get payed to burn peoples’ houses down
Lanny: hobo sex

4. Lanny: gene upshaw died man…
Kyle: hes been dead for a long time, man.
Lanny:naw dude, it just happened today
Kyle: nah dude, its old news.
Lanny: dude…bernie mac just died. its on channel 8.
Kyle: Damnit Lanny.

5. Kyle: Could michael phelps bench press more than me?
Lanny: probably, he has dumb-face. Dumb-face is in right now. Dumb-face gets you 11 gold medals and a superbowl ring

6. Kyle: Dude I love that my phone looks like the Millennium Falcon
Lanny: Gaaaaaaaaaay. Buuuuuuuuuutt Sex. Weeeeeeeeees likeeeeeeeees alot.
Kyle: Man, damn it.

Me and Lanny still text. It’s true. Here are some from today:

1. Lanny: You know what you remind me of?
Kyle: What
Lanny: R.E.M.

Kyle: You know what you remind me of?
Lanny: What
Kyle: You remind me of child abuse.

Lanny: You know what you remind me of?
Kyle: What
Lanny: Dick Cheney’s robotic baboon heart

Kyle: You know what you remind me of?
Lanny: What
Kyle: You remind me of myself when I was addicted to heroin

I’m as innocent as a babe. However, sometimes, people–no, villains–try to steal my innocence. One of the villains that does this is Lanny Thompson. Here’s the texting conversation we had today:

LT: Pearljam Sucks

KI: lol, You’re crazy man, you’re crazy. I would put the recent Dredg show on the same level as the recent Britney Spears VMA performance.

LT: Erection?

KI: Somebody on the road? (Lanny often texts me while bored on the road.)

LT: Kinda, pullin an order. I got the wire box set too. So we can star from the beginning and watch all the episodes in a row…in one sitting…

KI: That’ll be right after we sit down and have a race to finish the Stand (approx. 1,135 pgs.)

LT: Oh man, we would die of media poisoning

KI: Haha, we’d become dillusional. I’d start calling you Stu (character from the Stand) and you’d keep looking at your computer waiting for Wesley’s number to show up. (Wire reference)

LT: And for some reason we start calling and looking at derek like he’s Kate (female character from Lost)…trying to win “her” over. But he hasn’t gotten any in awhile so he just rolls with it.

KI: Welcome to the Machine is my favorite Pearl Jam song

KI: that and Stairway to Heaven

LT: Yea man mine too, I love the beginning. Pink Floyds earlier stuff sounds really good. They hadn’t gotten too heavy into drugs so its not so “far out”

KI: Nah man, I’m talking about Pearl Jam

LT: Dookie is what I have to say for that


s Later———————————

LT: Sum 41 > The Doors

KI: The sound my dick makes when I do the “helicopter” > The Animals

LT: Kyle eating poop > Getting a free car

KI: Lanny giving rim jobs to complete strangers > being a Dallas Cowboy

LT: Kyle + Derek x [(gonorrhea)x(genital warts)]^2 + anal sex= A Great Time!

KI: Yea, I agree with that.

Lanny and I still text regularly. So I don’t lash out and project my anger onto my loved ones and those who work in the service industry, I’m sharing my experiences with the internets.

Kyle: Haha. Good. Very good. Wes slept in your bed last night.

Lanny: Haha why?

Kyle: He’s been sick and hasn’t been able to hold his bowels at night. Didn’t want to get his bed dirty.

Lanny: …what the fuck. The new sacrifice needed is Wes now, not you.

Kyle: Wes is in the hospital.

Lanny: Malaria?

Kyle: No. For some reason it never dawned on Wesley that sleeping in human feces could have negative effects on your health.

Lanny: Hmm. think the hospital will put him down for us?

Kyle: I think people get arrested for stuff like that, man.

Lanny: Nah, its cool.

Kyle: What do you mean “it’s cool”? It isn’t cool, man. You’re talking about killing one of our best friends!

Lanny: Well if he’s sick he’s of no use to us.

Kyle: People get better, dude. What if we killed our grandparents every time they got sick?

Lanny: Luckily ours don’t get sick

Kyle: Mine do…

Lanny: Oh…where do they live again? JW…

Kyle: What the hell are you getting at man?

Lanny: Nothing man, nevermind. I’ll go ask your parents.

Kyle: Back the hell up, Lanny. I know what you’re thinking, and you can stop right there.

Lanny: You need to chill out.

Kyle: I hate you.

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