Weather Outlook: 100% Chance of Brain Storming

21 Mar

Sorry about that title.

So it’s Saturday–I have a headache. This makes me want to call today Sadderday.

Anyway, St. Patrick’s Day took a great emotional and physical toll on me. For the next several days I couldn’t write, eat, or breathe*. It hurt. I also ignored my hygiene; so instead of smelling like my usual (sawdust and cinnamon) I smelled like old corn and bowling alleys. What a nightmare. My mom told me to leave the house, to live in the “pool house” until my smell was gone. Thinking this would be a great idea, I went outside, hearing the door abruptly slammed behind me and the muffled sound of my mother’s laughter. We don’t have a pool house. I slept with the dogs that night.

I needed something new in my life. I needed to create.

That means it’s time to hurriedly scribble some more hilarity on the bathroom wall that is the internet. Much to my own chagrin, I couldn’t think of anything to write about. This simultaneously broke my heart, spirit, heart spirit, my soul, and my prostate. We all know what to do when we can’t figure out what to write about: BRAIN STORM**!

This ain’t your mama’s brain storming (laying in bed at night, thinking of ways to make your death look “accidental”). No, this is a process I go through which requires my entire being (including my butt), so that I can write real good for da peepol (Sometimes brainstorming negatively affects the language portions of my brain. Ironic, I know). Here’s my usual brain storming technique, complete and unabridged:

1. While making out my list of how to begin my brainstorming, I usually spend hours typing the “!” symbol, trying to find capital “1,” because regular “1” just isn’t big enough.

2. Next, I think of all the things I like. However, this can sometimes backfire, because on some days I can only think about how much I love brain storming. This sends me into a mental spiral a lesser man would never come out of…some people call this spiraling a “coma.” I call it a “cakewalk.”

3. The third step in my cerebral tempest is a process I like to call “Stealing from other writers.” I’m just kidding. What would I steal? Come on. You’re embarrassing yourself.

4. After the first three steps yield nothing of value, I toy with the idea of copy-and-pasting an old blog and giving it a new, snappier title.

5. 35 minutes of weeping.

6. I call this step the “sixy” step–because it’s so SIXY! (sixy sounds like sexy. omg)

7. Wait, what was the sixth step?

8. For the eighth step, I write down all my favorite words (“boobs,” “sandwich,” “turban”) and put the paper in my pocket. Then I go to the park. At the park, I find a large tree and take six (sex lol) branches of varying length. I then find a child with shoes on. The park is positively infested with these. I offer to buy said child’s shoelaces. When the child refuses (“But sir, I need those to keep muh shoes on”), I try to appeal to it with logic–or my fists.

9. Run from parents/local police

10. After I go to Wal-Mart and pay WAY TOO MUCH for shoe laces, I turn the list of words and the sticks into a primitive kite. (Did you know kites used to be used as weapons? GOOD GOD) The kite is ugly and doesn’t fly at all, so I just buy a Scooby-Doo kite and draw a wiener on it.

11. Whiskey

12. Whiskey

13. Fall asleep on desk.

14. Wake up hours later and just type whatever comes to mind. Perfect!

So there you go, my brainstorming process. That’s how I do business, that’s how I bring the magic of Kyle onto your computer screen, into your eyes, and then back into your brain, where I haunt you forever.

*poop

**masturbate

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