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JFK Conspiracy? Pff…More Like FUNspiracy!

25 Mar

On November 22, 1963 at 12:30pm President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by an unknown assailant(s). On March 25, 2009 Kyle Irion thought “I bet I could write some great jokes about that.”

Ever since JFK’s assassination, there has been a thick midst of controversy thicker than [joke]. There’s pretty much a conspiracy theory for every day of the week (if your week is roughly 187 days long). So, in order to bestow some perspective on the matter, I’ve presented you all with a few of the most intriguing JFK conspiracy theories.

The Cuban Theory

In the year 1960, the U.S. government began planning to aid anti-Castro exiles in an invasion of Cuba in order to overthrow the communist regime of Fidel Castro. This invasion was carried out in 1961, only three months after JFK took office. However, shortly before the planned invasion was carried out, JFK decided it was just an “eh” idea and pulled all U.S. support. Somewhere in all the fun, four to five thousand Cubans were killed or injured. OOPS! Anti-Kennedy sentiment throughout the Cuban exile community was so bad that the Kennedys commissioned Richard Helms, the CIA Director of Special Ops, to up the efforts to assassinate Fidel Castro. This was called Operation Mongoose–not to be confused with the other highly-touted military campaign involving an animal name known as Operation Dumbo Drop. Ray Liotta had nothing to do with Operation Mongoose, and it wasn’t nearly as hilarious or family-friendly.

Some of the Cuban suspects in the assassination of Kennedy were involved with Operation Mongoose. In fact, many of the exiles involved in Operation Mongoose were trained as assassins. This made them prime suspects according to the The House Select Committee on Assassination, which must be really BUSTLING right now, what with all the three assassinations in the history of the U.S.

Mysterious Limousine Theory

Investigator David S. Lifton theorized foul play by saying the casket carrying the President body from Air Force One to Andrews Air Force Base was empty. This lends credence to the theory that Kennedy faked his death in order to see who would come to the funeral, and what people would say. Scholars refer to this as the “Tom and Huck Supposition.” This theory garnered a lot of credibility when, at the funeral of fallen president John F. Kennedy, John F. Kennedy himself fell through the roof of the cathedral. He looked around, shocked and covered in debris, then put on a fake mustache and calmly left the room.

Organized Crime Theory

The Mafia’s connection to the assassination of JFK is one of the most researched and poured over theories. The Mafia had funneled thousands into Kennedy’s campaign through secret channels, helping to get him elected in hopes of having pull in the White House. This was done also as a favor to Joseph Kennedy, a former mafia bootlegger. However, in an act of what seemed like betrayal to the mob, Robert Kennedy hauled off and slammed the Mafia with the big, honkin’, diesel-fueled, beer-battered hammer of American justice. Robert Kennedy convicted 12 times the Mafioso than the previous (Eisenhower) administration. The Kennedy Administration also had roughly 100 times more presidential assassinations. That was crass. I just crassassinated this entire article. There already exist close to 16 conspiracy theories about this crassassination.

It’s never a good thing to get the Mafia upset. Just ask my father, Mike Irion, he upset the Mafia once. That’s right you can’t, because the Mafia killed him. The Mafiosi felt betrayed–no–hurt by the actions of Robert Kennedy. The Mafia hated Robert so much, leader Carlos Marcello is documented as threatening the life of JFK to punish Robert.

In the years preceding Kennedy’s assassination, the Mafia had been working closely with the CIA , aiding in anti-Castro actions in Cuba. Oh yea, they were also working with the anti-Castro Cuban exiles. The same anti-Castro exiles that were left out to hang by John F. Kennedy in the Bay of Pigs invasion. What? You forgot about the Cubans? Don’t worry, so did JFK.

In 2006, Carlos Marcello confessed on his death bed that he had in fact organized the murder of the President. He also farted a whole bunch and told the nurses where Jesus was buried, but of course they don’t write that stuff down.

The Kyle Irion Theory:

Ah, who am I kidding? Forget you ever saw this section.

Brain of JFK Theory:

There are also theorists who believe the body of the President had perhaps been tampered with in order to make it appear as though the bullet had entered from the rear. Lab Tech Paul Kelly O’Connor stated that the President’s body arrived in a body bag, not the sheet it was wrapped in at Parkland Hospital. Most of us would think it would make sense to put a body in a body bag. Just like it makes perfect sense to put our hands in hand bags, and our duffels in duffel bags.  Plus, Parkland Hospital really needed the sheets. O’Connor stated that the brain had been removed by the time it reached the autopsy table, and that only “half of a handful” of brain matter was left. What we can draw from this is is both horrifying and earth-shattering. The President was wounded by the gun shots but he was killed by zombies. You get it? You get it?

Closing Comments:

Well, I hope that helped. It sure helped me. It made me a better American, writer, man, and assassin. Check with me again on Saturday for more CYBER-HILARITY.

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