Liveblogging My Life: Friday, March 27th

27 Mar

As many of you know, I’m a man of complete mystery. I’m more mysterious than even the Batman, and as all of you know, the only way to be more mysterious than Batman, who appears and disappears with equal amounts of mysteriousness, is to be so mysterious that even you yourself have no idea where you are. That sounds stupid. I’m like an idiot Batman that makes bad jokes on his blog.

Anyway, I decided to give everyone a peek into what makes me tick, what makes me uniquely “Kyle.” Mostly it’s drugs, but also, it’s the events of my day to day life. Let’s get started, eh gang?

Friday, March 27th, 8:20 am

Ah crap. I didn’t die last night. *sigh* Oh well. (Hits snooze four times.)

9:00

I guess it’s time to start the day. Oh, Jesus, thank you for this beautiful sunshine! Please help me make use of this fantastic world you’ve blessed me with! (falls asleep)

9:17 am

I just put my pants on and now I’m going to go to the kitchen to make some breakfast and some coffee. First, I have to remove all the razor blades my room mate Derek put in my cereal the night before. It’s no big deal, he just doesn’t know how to show his love. I open my coffee container to see that my coffee has been replaced with dirt, and there is a small note resting on the surface that reads “lol, dirt.” Oh, Derek. I sneak into Derek’s room and kiss him on the head for being so sweet and emotionally retarded.

9:34 am

I’m waiting at the bus stop. The guy next to me is smoking. He looks unhappy, angry even. I assume his anger is deeply rooted in his helplessness against nicotine addiction. So to save him, I knock the cigarette out of his mouth and, smiling from ear to ear, yell “Now you are free! God saw fit to put you in my l–” Right here, he punches me square in the mouth. I assume that, because of nicotine withdrawals, he can hardly control his own muscles, throwing his fists wildly in an attempt to give me a thank you hug. He’s sweeter than Derek. Please don’t tell Derek.

10:18 am

I’m in American Lit class. I took American Lit because I love freedom. One time I had to take a British literature class, and I spent the entire semester chanting “USA, USA” under my breath and covering my ears with cheese burgers. I would continually replace the teacher’s copy of the British Norton Anthology with a DVD of Rambo. I tried to remain anonymous, but my anonymity was always spoiled when I went to the professor after class asked for my copy of Rambo back. That was the first time I was ever dropped from a class involuntarily. My teacher asks me a question about the post-modernism, but I’m like so tired. So instead of answering, I just put my finger in my mouth, make a pop sound, and go to sleep at my desk.

12:38 pm

I just woke up and my American literature class has been over for about an hour and a half. The room is completely empty except for me and that guy who I always thought looked at me in a way that men don’t usually look at each other. When I open my eyes, he jerks in his seat and tries to act like he didn’t notice the time. “Oops! got caught up in the discussion!” he says as he puts his shirt on. He forgot his candles and his cat. I went ahead and took the candles. I put the cat in the trash. I’m late to my class, so I put the pedal to the metal and walk slightly faster than usual to the Language building.

12:43 pm

I walk into my second American lit class of the day. The professor turns, mid-sentence and says “I’m glad you could make it. I hope you have a good reason for your tardiness.”  “Sorry I’m late,” I decided to win over my professor, my excuse would have to be an academic one, “I was boning Jane Austen.” I then walked around the room holding out my fist for people to pound. That was the second time I was involuntarily dropped from a class.

12:53 pm

Just got off phone with mom. Told her about getting dropped. She’s very disappointed.

12:56 pm

Just got off phone with dad. Told him about getting dropped. Thought my joke was hilarious.

1:00 pm

Just got off phone with grandmother. Told her about getting dropped. Made terrible mistake of retelling joke, had to explain what “boning” was. I am no longer invited to Christmas.

2:27 pm

Hey every body, I’m actually blogging MID-DRIVE! This is so cool. I can give you turn by turn directions of my trip. Right now I’m turning on to thoiaeu;aofijalkjl;;;;;awsedbhyuinjk;;;;;;;;;;;;;

5:08 pm

Get released from hospital. Had to get a ride home from Wesley. Car’s totaled. We have to go to the junk yard to look at it or something dumb.

5:30 pm

Hey, there are police here. They seem annoyed that I’m carrying around and constantly typing on a lap top. I ask them if they want me to mention them in my blog, tell them they can get “mucho famoso” for being in it. They tell me to shut the computer right now or they’ll beat it with their night sticks. Be back soon. Must protect computer.

6:00 pm

Oh my. What a good laugh we had at the impound lot. While inspecting the car, police saw that the brakes had been cut, and by the hose, there was a note that said “lol, brakes.” I love Derek.

6:28 pm

Trying to stay fit. I’m at the rec. I’m lifting weights. I’m lifting curses. I’m lifting my spirits.

8:00 pm

I just got home from my workout and play Nazi Zombies with my room mate Wes. We play for hours, killing hundreds upon hundreds of undead fascists. I gotta admit, I get pretty worked up. So to calm down, I go for a walk. The night is beautiful. Oh! I think I just heard a frog! There’s a cool, misty breeze and the sun is just beginning to set. Crap, what was that? I think I just heard a groaning s…what?… oh god. OH GOD! ZOMBIE! SHIT! GOD ALMIGHTY! ;fsklajoreip4888888

8:13 pm

I killed a homeless person. Damn it. Oh, man… what am I gonna do? I’m putting him in the fetal position, head resting on folded hands. He’s going to look like he’s asleep…and bleeding heavily. I gotta dump this computer, though. Goodbye.

8:14 pm

I can’t leave you computer. I’m going into the woods. Wireless signal weakening (Network: Foresty Area Next to Dead Guy). I love you all. See you soon.

I survived. After awhile my feet started hurting and I ended up going home and forgetting about the whole thing.

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4 Responses to “Liveblogging My Life: Friday, March 27th”

  1. shipwrecksilence March 28, 2009 at 5:32 pm #

    lol, derek.

  2. supernudewesley March 29, 2009 at 1:00 am #

    “Trying to stay fit. I’m at the rec. I’m lifting weights. I’m lifting curses. I’m lifting my spirits.”

    this is my new status, just check and see.

  3. josh March 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    boning jane austin… of course

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Kyle’s Greatest Hits! « Eat this, internet. - May 6, 2009

    […] 2. Liveblogging My Life: March 27th, 2009 […]

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