Archive | 4:32 pm

You’re My April Fool

2 Apr

It’s April 2nd. I’m an idiot. I was so excited about April Fool’s Day this year, I stayed up for 4 days straight planning the greatest prank ever, and accidentally slept through most/all of yesterday. OOPS! Anyway, today is Thursday, April the 2nd, and this is Giggle Time™

*Theme music plays, beautiful women cover themselves in chili*

Hello to all of my gracious readers (mom, dude from English class). Did you have a good April Fool’s Day?

April Fool’s Day is a holiday that not many people know the actual origin of– much like Christmas and Easter soon will be. I’m here to remedy this grave holiday injustice. I saved St. Patrick’s day from obscurity (Several readers wrote in saying they thought the holiday had something to do with the canonizing of Patrick Swayze.), and now I’m turning my cross-hairs of truth onto April Fool’s day.

April Fool’s is “officially” recognized nowhere, but “unofficially” recognized all over the world as a day for humor, jokes, and various forms of physical and emotional abuse conveniently masked as “pranks.” In most countries, such as the UK, Austria, New Zealand, South Africa, and Canada, the practical jokes usually last until noon. These pranksters are called “April Fools.” In countries like the US, Ireland, and France, where the jokes last all day, these pranksters are called “Ass Holes.”

There are several theories as to the actual origin of this hallowed day. May 1st, May Day, used to be known as the first day of summer. Now it’s known as Candy and dances at “Master Blaster.” But back in the day, May 1st marked the beginning of summer and the day to plant for the spring harvest. The people who got confused and did this early, on April 1st, were called–you guessed it–big fucking idiots. Also, they were called April Fools.

Some other, less interesting people believe that the April Fool tradition dates back to France, when King Charles IX changed the beginning of the year from April 1st to January 1st. Some historians believe King Charles did this so that New Years Day would line up with Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve, which up until that point had been a confusing, somewhat pointless celebration of dropping a spherical chandelier onto Times Square.

April Fool’s is also thought to perhaps have a biblical origin, with Noah sending off a raven to search for land prematurely (on April 1st). However, in recent years, this has been found to be historically impossible, because ravens were not invented until 1996, when the National Football League commissioned a Baltimore scientist to invent a new mascot for their latest expansion team: The Baltimore Ravens. That is so interesting. I love that.

Last year I pranked my room mate Derek when I called him and told him I had been shot and robbed by a marauder and was dying, and that he could save me, but he had to come rescue me–fast. I told Derek he needed to run as fast as he could, I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to hold on. I also warned him about people getting in his way and slowing him down, so he’d probably want to be screaming so they could hear him coming and get out of his way. Feigning weakness, I told Derek that I’d lost a LOT of blood and didn’t have much time, so he needed to come extra fast, maybe take his shirt off or something to decrease wind resistance. Derek agreed to all of these. I told him I would probably need him to help get the bullet out, so he needed to bring a big knife to dig the bullet out with. On the verge of tears, Derek asked me where he could find me. I told him I was in the woman’s restroom in the University of North Texas Recreation Center. Later, I got him again when I told him I was going to post his bail.



Did I scare you? April Fools! Oh, that’s right. I forgot that was yesterday. Well, I don’t care. I’m not taking it down. I’m not.

...I'm noT...

...I'm noT...

Ok, enough. This is getting out of hand. Happy April Fool’s Day everyone.

%d bloggers like this: