MAIL TIME

4 Apr

I get “tons” of reader e-mail every day. People ask me all kinds of questions: relationship questions, sports questions, cooking questions, disposing of evidence questions. I try to answer as many of these as I can. Most of the responses read like this:

“You’ve e-mailed the wrong person.”

But every now and then I’ll take a few moments to sit and really think about the e-mails I receive. All your e-mails mean a lot to me, as they are tangible symbols of my fame and importance. Also, I love to help, especially when I can do it in an entertaining way, like when I helped that woman out of her burning vehicle, all the while doing my best Christopher Walken impression (“WOW your car is uh..your car is on FIRE.” Classic.).

Let’s get this shit going.

I was wondering what the precise meaning and origin of the word “dumbface” was. Does the person have to be dumb, or just look that way? And also, if you put together a Dumbface Hall of Fame, who would be in it, and what makes them qualified? i was thinkin’ maybe John Rocker and the fat kid from “Remember the Titans” for starters. –Sam, Denton TX

Sam, great question. I almost cried when I read it. For those of you who don’t know, “dumbface” is a recently innovated term describing faces that resemble the likes of this:

perfect.

perfect.

The look of “dumbface” has nothing to do with being dumb or being ugly. No, dumbface is something completely its own. Someone with dumbface perpetually adorns a look just south of confusion, maybe a little bit of “Wait, what?”. These people are sometimes called “mouth-breathers.” Obviously, the Dumbface Hall of Fame would include Eli Manning, Super Bowl Champion, as well as 14-time Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps.

mike-orioles-hat

I think in some circles, George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, could also be included; but let’s not get political.

Kyle, I hate most things. I’m an incredibly negative person who is almost impossible to please. When my friends and me go to movies, I can never get excited about them. When I meet new people, they’re always kind of spare-ish. Music is always just “all right.” I want to like things. I’m getting more and more depressed daily. Sometimes I wonder, what is life worth living if you never enjoy a second of it. What should I do?-Phil, Charlotte NC

Phil. I’m hoping this is Phil Collins. Really. If this is Phil Collins, it would make sense that you don’t like any other music–everything sucks after you’ve written a song as good as “Easy Lover.” That’s perfectly normal. I love that song “Mama” you wrote when you were with your band Genesis. Awesome, Phil. I wish you’d written the book of Genesis. The writing would be way less “holy” or “usable,” but the drum solos would be badass. Do you like the movie “Tarzan”? Ah, nevermind. I don’t care. I hope that helped.

Just got done reading your “Liveblogging” entry. How is Jane Austen in bed anyway? How proud was she? How prejudice was she? I want the dirty details. –Seaborn, Highland Village TX

Hahaha, Seaborn. You’re crazy. You are. Well, I didn’t ACTUALLY have sex with Jane Austen. You see, I was trying to appeal to the literary intellect of my professor. He didn’t like it; I mean, he kicked me out of the class. That stupid Jane Austen joke ruined my academic career. Why would you think it would be funny to bring it up again? Your name is stupid. Get off my web site. (But between you and me, she was fucking insane.)

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 4 years now. He still hasn’t mentioned anything about marriage, and every time I do, he gets really weird. I try to be calm and talk to him about it, but every time I do he kind of shuts down and asks me to please return to my seat, that he’ll “call my number when my order is ready.” What does that mean? Oh, Kyle. He’s so distant. He just stands there behind the counter and takes peoples’ coffee orders. What should I do?-Charlene, Orlando FL

Charlene. Are you at a Starbucks? Is that guy behind the counter wearing a green apron and an expression of somewhat unfounded superiority? If you answered yes to these questions, you’re at a Starbucks. Close your laptop, throw your coffee away, and leave the building. Never return. I once fell in love with a girl who worked at the Chick-Fil-A in the food court at the mall. She actually loved me back, though, so I suppose this isn’t all that relevant. My bad.

Kyle, how many gays? Lanny, Dallas TX

What?

Hey Kyle, long time reader here. Just a real quick personal question: do you think it’s funny to trick your room mate into doing illegal shit just so you can have the pleasure of yelling “April Fools!” while he’s being carted away to Denton County Corrections? You think that’s funny? I hope you die, Kyle. God in heaven I hope something terrible happens to you. I hope you get a bad batch of whiskey that actually ends up giving you some kind of cancer, any kind really, hopefully the worst kind. You know what I hope? I hope your life ends up like that lady boxer in “Million Dollar Baby,” except instead of Clint Eastwood mercy killing you with some injections, he just looks at you, snarls, and shoots you in the leg with an M1 Garand.Derek, Right Fucking Next Door

Oh hey, Derek! I love how you love to reminisce. Anyway, we’re out of milk. Can you get it this time? Kylester’s a bit low on cash, you know. The credit cruch, AIG ‘n shit, right? Love you. I used your bed as a toilet.

Well there you go, everybody. My first mail bag. Really, really good stuff. If you want to have a part in the next mail bag, e-mail me your questions to ri0026@gmail.com . Happy Saturday, everyone. Say your prayers, call your mom, apologize to your dog or cat for spaying or neutering it. It deserves that much.

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3 Responses to “MAIL TIME”

  1. Prof. Box-Top April 5, 2009 at 12:26 pm #

    Man oh man….Dolph Lundgren himself couldn’t have answered those mail questions as wonderfully as you have! You are my hero Robert Kylebaby Irion…My heart gently weeps for you and your beautiful words of wisdom and pig shit scented potperrie…rock on my brother….ROCK ON!!!!

  2. supernudewesley April 5, 2009 at 4:10 pm #

    patients, kyle, patients

  3. Hannah April 10, 2009 at 12:56 am #

    that’s gold.

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