Marshmallowy Candy and Crucifixtion. YUMMY!

11 Apr

So Sunday is Easter. Today (when I started this…thing…) is Good Friday. I have in fact had a good Friday. So hurray! I believe in God again. Anyway, I recently heard about a new kind of the Easter marshmallow candy known as “Peeps.” They now have chocolate Peeps. **Sits for roughly 45 minutes staring blankly at computer screen. “Where the hell do I go from here?” I think to myself. OH I KNOW! Ok. Now I’m inspired.**

Honestly, who among us knows why we hide Easter eggs on Easter (other than the fact that it would be abundantly stupid to call them Christmas eggs), or why the mascot for Easter is a giant rabbit? I sure as hell don’t. And if I don’t, you better not know either, because if you do, that means you got one up on me, and that makes you dangerous. I don’t like dangerous people. Dangerous people make me nervous, and I don’t like to be nervous. Being nervous makes me gassy and needy. I fixed St. Patrick’s day, I turned April Fool’s into a day celebrated by scholars and academics around the world, and now it’s time for me to blow this Easter shit down to China town. Let’s make a memory.

A long time ago, way before Rocky I, the Persians started celebrating a festival called Nowrooz every year around the time as the Spring Equinox. This served as their New Years celebration.

You can call me Xerxeaster from now on! Let's kill some Athenians!

Once a year King Xerxes demanded to be called "King Xerxeaster."

This tradition is roughly 2,5oo years old. Some believe that Darius I put the Holy Grail in a giant, pink Easter egg and hid it from his people as an Easter joke. Of course, we have yet to recover the Holy Grail, and we probably won’t ever recover it unless we start taking all the Indiana Jones movies a lot more seriously.

The egg is also seen as a symbol for rebirth and renewal, a parallel to the biblical story of Jesus’ resurrection.

Pre-Christian Saxons, a big bunch of Germanic tribes that invented the saxophone (Editor’s note: saxophone invented by Adolphe Sax. Kyle’s an idiot.), had a goddess called Eostre. The feast for this lovely ethereal lady was held on March 21, their vernal equinox. Her animal was the spring hare, or rabbit if you’re not a pretentious bastard like the guy who wrote the Wikipedia article. I hate that guy.

Pope Gregory the Great (preceded by Pope Philip the Just OK) ordered his missionaries to preach from old religious sites and absorb them into the christian doctrine. This would explain the Easter egg’s presence in western, predominantly Christian, culture.

For Orthodox Christians, the eggs are called Orthodox Easter Eggs and they’re painted red to symbolize the blood of Christ. I paint my easter eggs green to symbolize the blood of the Grinch. It’s taught that when Mary came to visit Christ’s tomb, she brought some eggs to share with the other women who were grieving. Upon seeing Jesus risen, the eggs became red…Commie Red. (Editor’s note: The eggs turned red to symbolize the blood of Christ. There are no communist leanings in the Gospel. Kyle’s an idiot.)

The Easter bunny was brought to America by the Pennsylvanian Dutch. The bunny’s roots are in Germany. For years these Easter bunnies were called “Oschter Haws,” a phoenetic pronunciation of the German word Osterhase. Children were told to hide baskets in secluded parts of their homes and the Easter bunny would come and lay eggs in it. This was a long time ago when rabbits layed eggs…like the 80’s or something. Cows also reproduced as cells do, by splitting. (Editor’s note: I’m really sorry.)

So eerie...so pagan...so German.

Delightful!

Happy Easterz, bitches.

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