Time for Science.

22 Apr

What is an Awesosome? What? You don’t know? Yes you do. You HAVE to know. No…come now, no need for tears. Wait…oh god, put that down! NO!

—Citation above for police report.

March 16, 2009, discovery of the very rare, but very REAL Awsosome.

An Awesosome is a biological organism that will not only give you a viral infection but will kick your ass and steal your girlfriend. It will not respect your personal space, and you won’t mind. The Awesosome is so cool, it actually poses when it’s on a slide.

Some (Katie McCann) might tell you that the birth of the Awesosome was the result of me mistyping the word “awesome.” This is a bald faced lie. If she tells you this, don’t listen. She’s a bald faced liar. Listen to a guy with some hair on his face. Listen to this guy:



The Awesosome is a real-life biological organism, roughly the size of a white blood cell…but only if it wants to be. The Awesosome also has enough drive to improve itself and make changes in its life. It can get a job, a wife, or a gun– but believe me, you don’t want it to have a gun. Awesosomes are crack shots. They have been found at the site of “Awesome” events (signing of the Constitution, invention of the hot dog, my birth), but scientists have yet to discover whether or not the Awesosomes are a result of the event, or the event a result of the Awesosome. When asked for comment, the Awesosome replied “It’s whatever,” then took a drag off his microscopic cigarette and sped away.

Before I go any further, I’m going to show you a photograph of a real awesosome:

Not included in picture: magnum, motorcycle, whiskey bottle and harum of hot, single-cell bitches.

Not included in picture: magnum, motorcycle, rockin' theme music and harem of hot, single-cell bitches.

Yea. See that? Jeez. Awesosomes are a key ingredient in the bacteria cultures used to create whiskey, or, as Webster’s defines it (kind of): “The most badass of badass drinks. Whiskey is also referred to as ‘gasoline for hardasses.’ It keeps the pistons of awesome pumping at full capacity.” Wow. That’s impressive. That’s whiskey. That’s an Awesosome.

Awesosomes have also been found creating colonies on leather jackets, pairs of Kyle Irion’s Levi’s, and various types of electric guitars. Not this one.

Awesosomes are now being used for medicinal purposes. Mainly for those who are what the medical profession terms as “Ugly. Stanky Ass Ugly.” Here’s an example of a success story:

*Results not typical

*Results not typical

Yes. Yes it is true. That was me. That was how I lived my life–some idiot on the sidewalk with a stupid t shirt on, looking off at something like a douche. How embarrassing. Then, I started my Awesosome treatment and look! LOOK AT THOSE TIRES! LOOK AT THE PART IN MY HAIR! Look at how Gatsby I am.

The Awesosome has been found on the remains of some of America’s greatest heroes. Men such as George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, Michael Jordan, that kid from Jerry Maguire, Willie Nelson, and Steve Carrell have all been tested for Awesosomes. All have had them.

You ever write a blog and just feel like posting the damn thing half way through? Of course you don’t. You don’t understand the plight of the writer. Not everybody can have a bl…*covers microphone* wait, anybody can…? Well that doesn’t make any sense, why would the inter… oh. All right. *uncovers microphone* Well, my producer has just informed me that you can, in fact, blog about crap too. But you probably shouldn’t. It breaks your heart. It absorbs your life. It forces you to constantly ask your friends infuriating questions such as “Hey man, have you read the latest one?” You do however, get the priceless skill of learning to not look disappointed when people seem indifferent to your (obvious) creative brilliance. God. What am I talking about? I’m sorry. I’m watching the Today show and reading celebrity Twitters. Ok, I’m wrappin’ this shit up. Bye everybody.

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