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Kyle and the Kids

4 May

Recently, I was asked to come be a guest speaker at a local elementary school. Denton ISD recently announced they were closing because of Swine flu. False. Denton ISD is closing because the things I told them hit them so hard they decided everybody needed a couple of days to “really stop and think about things.” Yea. That heavy.

My friend, Frank Talbot, brought me into the gymnasium. There was a large banner, written in finger paints that read “Welcome, kyle.” I decided the first thing I’d speak about is the capitalization of proper nouns (like names of important speakers and world-changers). I then ordered a group of nearby children to remove the sign.

I’m lead down a long hallway toward a gymnasium. The air is electric. While walking up to the door, I lean to the left and whisper to the maintenance man walking with us.

“Hey, you feel that? There’s electricity in the air.” He looked mortified. I was a little confused, but kept smiling at him. His eyes bounced all over the room.

“Really?” he asked.

“What?” I ask smugly. “You can’t feel it?”

He started swatting at the air around him, sweat breaking out on his forehead.


Earl, as I later learned his name was, then ran out the door and hasn’t returned to work since. He also never returned home that night. My bad, Mrs. Earl! [Note to Editor: Send that woman a t-shirt.][Editor’s Note: We don’t make t-shirts][Note to Editor: Fine, then just send her a white t-shirt with a ‘K’ written on it.][Editor’s Note: I don’t think I’ll do that.]

As we walk in, me and my entourage, I’m greeted with a roar of applause.

“Like candy to a baby.” I say to Frank.


“Pearls to swine, am I right?”

“Are you calling the children swine?”

“You wish, Colonel Sanders.”

I then step up to the podium to begin my speech. Just to loosen things up and let the kids know I’m on their side, I playfully light a fire cracker and throw it into the air behind me. A mad roar of applause and laughter sounds from the children, then a hush and explosion of screaming. It seems I inadvertently set the American flag on fire. This is not going well.

After we get the blaze under control, I finally get to talking.

“Hey, kids. I’m Kyle, or IRON KYLE as you may know me from the INTERNET!”

“YEAH! INTERNET!” I hear a couple of children holler. Oh, kids.

“Okay, I’m going to start fielding some questions. Go ahead kids, ask me anything.”

A small, red headed boy in the back raises his hand.

“Yes, young man. What’s your question?”

“My dad caught me reading your site and put parent blocks on the computer. Now I can hardly look at anything.”

“Did he catch ya readin’ a dick joke, son?”

Frank runs frantically from the side of the room. Covering the microphone with one hand, he whispers to me. “Kyle you cannot say ‘dick’ to these children!”

“Why not?” I respond. “Kids know what dicks are. Watch this.”

“Who here knows what a dick is?”

Complete, enveloping silence.

“Ok, all right, I’ll drop it.” I turn back to the students, mike back on. “Well you should probably just respect your father then. Next question.”

A lovely young girl in a pink dress raises her hand. “Mr. Kyle, I–”



“You called me Mr. Kyle. My last name is Irion. Now start again, just this time, less like a brain damaged ape. Go.”

“Well…Mr. Irion…?”

I put my hands on my hips and cock my head. “Is that your question? My name? My name isn’t a question. My name is a damn declaration. It’s a declaration of hope and good and awesome. Come on girl, finish your question. You want me to burn down the damn flag again?” I take out my lighter and another fire cracker that to this moment I didn’t know I had. I’m a little excited.

She straightens up her back and looks at me. “No, Mr. Irion. I don’t want that. I wanted to ask you if you have ever been in love.”

This question…so…revealing…so refreshing…so rude. “Yea, just ask your mom.” I wink at the girl and move onto the next kid.

“Whatcha got kid?”

“Well, sir,” a small boy in a plaid shirt and jeans stands up, “Do you know any famous people?”

I went through my Rolodex of “famous” people I know. This guy? No. Maybe… No, not him either. Come on, I’ve got to know one legitimately famous person these kids will recognize. Oh I got it!

“I’m actually really good friends with fellow internet writer DEREK BROZOWSKI!” That same enveloping silence.

“He writes on all the NIN forums. You guys read those, right?” I ask, awaiting applause of recognition.


“Well let me tell you all something then,” Stupid little brats. “I’m going to really teach you all something. You want to know about God, kids?” And so began my four and a half hour lecture on the existence of a supreme being, the relative immorality of teaching kids about Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, the economy, obesity, the media, and the merits of a communist utopia.

Thanks for having me, kids!

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