Cinco of Mine-o

5 May

When I was a child, I often thought my father was Hispanic, thus making me entitled to celebrate the fine holiday of Cinco de Mayo or the Fifth of May to all you gringo asses in the world. GRINGO ASSES. [Editor’s Note: Kyle means Caucasian. Caucasian. He’s white, too.]

What is this blessed day? Where does it come from? Well I’ll tell you.

On May 5, 1862, the tiny armies of Mexico beat back the evil French armies of General Whoreallygivesashit in the Battle of Puebla. Mexico had run up a huge bill of credit with France (seriously)–a bill that Mexico could not or would not pay. Instead of waiting for Mexico to come up with the cash, France decided to attack, and subsequently occupy, Mexico. France was rippin’ and roarin’ through Mexico when they reached Puebla. This battle is kind of like Mexico’s Alamo, except they won theirs. Anyway, here the Mexican forces beat back a much larger French army. Unfortunately, this was only a hiccup for the French army, as a year later they had occupied Mexico City and put in place their own leader.

On May 5, 2008, the tiny armies of Kyle Irion beat back the evil Collector’s Agency of Mr. Bighairyguywhowantstotakemyipod in the Battle of Apartment. Kyle had run up a huge bill of credit with Capital One– a bill that Kyle could not or would not pay. Instead of waiting for Kyle to pay, Capital One decided to collect, and subsequently take away all Kyle’s stuff. Capital One was rippin’ and roarin’ through Kyle’s apartment when they reached his iPod. This battle is kind of like Kyle’s Alamo, except Kyle thinks the Alamo is just the tower where Davy Crockett was born. But believe me, Kyle won his Alamo. Anyway, here Kyle forces beat back a much larger collection dude. This was only a hiccup for the Collections Agency, as a year later, they had all Kyle’s stuff and Kyle was working to pay off $6,000 dollars of debt.

That part is a lie. The real truth is that Cinco de Mayo is the day that the tiny armies of Mexico beat back Nazi Germany.

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One Response to “Cinco of Mine-o”

  1. Talia May 7, 2009 at 12:30 am #

    you are one witty hispanic!

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