What I’m Going to Do Now That I’m Famous

14 May

Welcome back.

In the last two days, my blog has had roughly 250 hits. Yea. Money. Speaking of money, I should be seeing a lot more of it very soon now that I’m internet famous.

This fame (money) is going to change my life forever. I’ll never be the same. Soon, I’ll be blogging to you from the top of my pile of gold coins, typing on a platinum laptop with ivory keys. I want you all to come along for the ride with me (not in the limo, though. organize carpools). So, I’ve just kind of ran down some of the things that will change now that I’m famous (rich).

I think the first thing I’m going to do is just “drop” pants. Pants aren’t my scene. I like the idea of walking around, feeling the sun radiate off my Casper-white thighs and into the unsuspecting retinas of the less wealthy. You ever seen me without my pants on? If you’re able to read this, probably not.

The second thing I think I’ll do is buy a lot of the stuff that I’ve always wanted. I’m going to go to the nearest Sharper Image   Circuit City K-Mart Best Buy and get a really big refrigerator. Then I’m going to buy tons of delicious food to put in it– food from all over the world: lobster,  caviar from the Mediterranean, wild Spanish chicken, Cheerios from Britain (Which, over there, are actually called Hellos.).

Third, I will buy a gun.

Fourth, I will start only hanging out with people as famous as me. So, consider this a formal goodbye to all my friends who aren’t Barack Obama or the Pope. Hello to all my new friends, Barack Obama and the Pope! Oh yea, and I’ll definitely make time for the Hoff every now and then–but only while I’m in German–which will be like, all the time after I commission a team of top scientists to develop a jet pack for me.

Pictured: Me.

Pictured: Me

Fifth, I will buy the Crocs™ Shoe company and then promptly close it.

Sixth, in a form of musical experimentation, I will use my seemingly unending wealth to reinvigorate the careers of MC Hammer, Poison, and Billy Ray Cyrus. I will then see who succeeds in today’s musical climate. The winner gets to keep being famous. The losers have to live in my dungeon.

Seventh, build a dungeon.

Eighth, buy a real big coat.

Ninth, I’ll pay the writers from LOST to come to my house and explain to me HOW  THERE ARE THREE JOHN LOCKES ON THE ISLAND. After their explanation, which I’m willing to guarantee will still leave me confused and irritable, I’ll have them put in my dungeon.

Damn you.

Damn you.

Tenth. I will go on a magical boat ride with John Goodman, Eddie Vedder, Conan O’ Brien, and Shaquille O’Neal. I will blog about it. I will also Tweet about it. When I’m doing that, I will upload hundreds of photos to my facebook of me and Conan climbing Shaq and shaving Eddie Vedder’s eyebrows while he’s asleep. When Eddie wakes up, we’ll talk him into helping us make a raft that looks like it was built out of a portion of the hull and push a passed out John Goodman out to sea on it. We’ll then surround the raft with little pieces of flaming debris and sail away. He’s going to be SO PISSED. Lol. John.

The last thing I’m going to do is finally give the studios all the funding they need to create my biopic: Irion Man. It’s going to be a lot like Iron Man, but with fewer explosions and more shots of my junk.

Due out in 2011

Sauntering Uncomfortably into Theaters: Summer 2010

Get excited.

2 Responses to “What I’m Going to Do Now That I’m Famous”

  1. jadorejeremy May 18, 2009 at 9:08 am #

    Wow. Just wow.

  2. Prof. Box-Top May 18, 2009 at 11:54 pm #

    When they make your biopic, can I play the role of the big, fat mean guy who didn’t like you that one year we went to Alabama for a mission trip? I fell like I can really embody the character of that unlikeably large gentleman. Either that, or your body double for when they do close ups of your junk perhaps?

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