Archive | 3:26 pm

Holy Gradjeeayshun Bat-Man!

16 May

Graduation is so fucking boring. Am I right? I feel bad for all the thousands of people in the audience who have to wait patiently for “Robert Kyle Irion, Degree in English, Minors in Psychology and Awesome,” then wait through another few hundred or thousand meaningless names. I just thought I’d throw out some tips for the administration to look at to make graduation less of a beating.

1. When I walk across stage, I want to feel that I can safely booty-bump UNT President Gretchen Bataille without fear of suit or assault from security.

2. As each department head enters the coliseum, the announcer should also say their height, weight, and place of birth, like in a boxing match.

3. Pyrotechnics.

4. Graduations are so predictable. I want to introduce a little bit of suspense to the proceedings. Therefore, I say we have one “Wild Card” degree. As each students pass by the podium, have their name called, whatever, there is a giant pendulum swinging back and forth above the pile of fake diplomas. If the pendulum stops over the pile when your name is called, you can’t graduate. LOL

5. Have a drawing with all the seat numbers in the coliseum. If your name gets called, you get a MARINE BIOLOGY DEGREE!

5. Every graduate is handed a sword. A master samurai is stationed in front of the diploma stand. You want it? Go get it.

6. Those two old men from the Muppets sit in a balcony above the stage and make fun of the graduates as they pass by.

"Hey! look at that guy! If he doesn't do something with that beard, he'll be a "Bachelor of Fine Arts" forever! DOOO HO HO HO HO"

"Hey!If he doesn't do something with that beard, he'll be a 'Bachelor of Fine Arts' forever! DOOO HO HO HO!"

7. Graduation: The Musical

8. Graduation: The IMAX Experience

9. Graduation: 3-D

10: Graduation: First Blood [Editor’s Cut]

10. Instead of diplomas, we’re handed kittens dyed to match the colors of our alma-mater.

UNT: Discover the Power of Ideas (and morally ambiguous testing designed to turn cats green)

Congratulations, grad!

11. Instead of diplomas, we’re given things we can use, like job experience or handfuls of cash.

12. Gretchen Bataille is lowered from the ceiling by a cable. There are sparklers affixed to her feet and a white light shines from behind her. A cheap knockoff of the overture from “Jesus Christ Superstar” plays. Hundreds are offended and leave almost immediately. Once the prudes leave we bring out some strippers.

Shit. I have to leave for graduation in 15 minutes. I might need to start getting ready. Not nervous yet. Maybe once I get there. I’m going to miss college.

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