My Last Act as an Undergrad

21 May

That seems strangely capitalized. Hm.

Welcome back.

Today was my last day as an undergraduate at UNT. My last test was in literature. My last meal on campus was a double burger, pizza, and stir fry. My last trip to a campus bathroom was a successful one– pooped, peed, and blew my nose–and washed my hands. My last act on campus was…miraculous.

At the Spring 2009 Commencement Ceremony, I was given a great opportunity–to address my graduation class as guest speaker. Fantastic.

I approach the podium, nervous but poised. I’m cool as a cucumber. I hear a murmur throughout the crowd as I ascend to where I will deliver my speech.

“Welcome back.” I say to roaring applause.

“Well, as you all know, I’m graduating. I’m about to head out into the brave, scary world and begin my adult life. There are roughly 2,000 of you in the graduating class.” More applause. “By simple laws of probability, there is almost certainly a number of you who have failed one or two too many classes this past semester and will not be joining me in adult life. To you I respectfully say ‘Suck it,’ and ‘lol.'”

As soon as I say the word “Suck,” the capacity crowd erupts with elation. They love it when I say bad words.

“The fact is, this is the worst economy in decades. Not since the secret, government covered up depression of 1987 has there been anything this terrifying. This is more terrifying than the film ‘Cloverfield.'”

This allusion seems to have lost many members of the audience.

“Uh…like more terrifying than a super smart dog who knows how to use automatic weapons.” Here I hear the light bulbs go on and a sigh of epiphany sweeps the room. All right.

“There’s nothing out there for us. No jobs, no families, no fancy cars or beautiful homes. All we have is each other. Look up into the faceless mass surrounding you and wave goodbye to the flesh-tone blobs you think might be your family and say goodbye. We’re staying in college forever. We’re going to live in Clark Hall. We will be taking it by force.”

Eight minutes later, We took Clark Hall by force. We held the Hall for exactly 36 minutes before the vast majority of the class remembered how cool it is to get presents. Many of us also missed food, flavored beverages, and our women.

The End.


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