Archive | 5:15 pm


4 Jun

I’m writing this in 5 minutes. It’s for Sam. He’s at work and I’m going to save him from boredom.

You know what’s awesome?



You know what I love?



I was in traffic yesterday and guess what happens? Oh yea, you know. I feel my bladder start to scream. It’s time to pee pee and I’m not wearing my bag. Shut up. It isn’t gross, it’s efficient–and exciting for you. Imagine us having a conversation. We’re having a lovely talk, enjoying each other’s company, and then you start getting a little inkling: “Is he urinating right now? How does his bladder feel? Good, I hope.” Yea.

So, I have to pee really, really bad. Unfortunately, I’m in traffic, where people will be sitting next to me for minutes at a time, completely able to look down into my car and see my golden flow (my pee). I get into the left lane, closest to the HOV lane, where there are less people to see me. I decide that now is the time. So, I undo the button and zipper of my pants, unlatch my chastity belt, pull back the velcro of my astronaut underwear, take off my penis’s tiny top hat, remove my penis’s tiny bat man cape, and peel back the novelty “WIDE LOAD” sign I made for my scrotum. I then look around coyly and get a Whataburger cup from my back seat. I look from my left…to my right… There’s nobody on my left, and the trailer of an 18-wheeler on my left. It’s time to go. I lower the cup below my penis and am about to start when the 18-wheeler pulls away, revealing the scene of the accident causing the traffic–and about 6 police officers. They look over and I quickly try to cover up. In the frenzy my penis begins flailing about like a child’s sprinkler toy. I scream and put up my hands to protect my face from the ammonia and gold dust.

An officer steps over to my car. I’m terrified. I start to put my penis’s clothes back on, but I’ve hardly got the top hat fixed when the officer is at my window.

“There something wrong here? Oops, your penis is out.”

“What? Oh, oh no! How did you get there, you little bastard?” I waggle my finger at my penis playfully. I then waggle my penis playfully and ask the cop the same question.

Sam. I’m at the Denton County Police Office. Can you come and bail me out? Oh, and please bring my penis a change of clothes.

BINGO! A blog in five minutes. Thank you for reading, now go read some more of my crap.

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