MAILBAG III: Second Punch, First Kill, Part 3

14 Jun

Sorry this is late. I had a friend who said he’d write a guest blog for today and didn’t. I’m not going to name any names, but if you e-mail me, I’ll give you his name, address, and other contact information.

Ok, you know the drill. Let’s get to screwin’.

Kyle,
I ordered a water at a fast food restaurant recently and was given a tiny, transparent plastic cup about half the size of the normal cups which are reserved for the people who order Coke. This happens every time I go to a fast food restaurant. I mean am I less thirsty just because I like to drink water? I was just wondering if you think America would be less fat and I would be less pissed if the water cups and the Coke cups were switched. Please help me.

–Nolan Cox, Highland Village TX

This is an excellent question. It is one that philosophers and scientists have grappled with for centuries, eons–hours, even. I consider myself a philosopher and a scientist, so the pattern goes on. I have a simple answer for you. Why are you given the clear cups? Because when fast food restaurants go through their sales at the end of the quarter, they tally up how many drinks they sold partially through the number of “Coke” cups they hand out. It’s also how they know how many health-conscious consumers they boned. There have been numerous times that I’m ordering a combo, because it’s faster, and I just get a drink so I get more for my money (water being free, water covering 70% of the earth, water being the most readily available natural resource in existence beside air, which is one of the ingredients of water). I’ve always thought that maybe they give water-drinkers the small cups as a way to push them back to drinking/buying their drinks. It’s like when people come to me and want me to give them an autograph, but without buying a licensed “Iron Kyle” photograph. To kind of steer them back towards buying the photo instead of me signing on a napkin or movie stub, I sign all un-official autographs like this:

autographI’m not sure if they actually get the message or not, but to make the difference in service clear, here’s what I give paying customers:

Please, please, please don't tell James Woods. Please don't.

Please, please, please don't tell James Woods. Please don't.

So, in summary, laziness, apathy, and glandular disorders make people fat, not plastic cups. I think if the cups were switched, you’d never order Coke again, taking millions out of the hands of fast food moguls, sending our economy into a tail spin that could only result in you living in an abandoned warehouse, peeing in a corner and rimming other vagrants for canned corn. That would sure as hell piss me off, so no, I don’t think you’d be any less pissed if they switched the cups.

Question Answer Rating: SMASHED!

—–

One day I was walkin’ through campus after it had rained and I didn’t want to soak my feet or the bottom of my pants, so I might have tip-toed through some puddles… Is that gay?

–Sam Miller, Denton TX

Hm. Tip-toeing through puddles sounds pretty effeminate. However, what would be even gayer (meaning more fitting with homosexual culture) than tip toeing is if you found a male puddle and had sexual relations with it. As long as you tip toe with an angry, begrudged look on your face, you’re OK. If you giggle and accidentally drop your satchel, you may appear “gay.” Good luck out there, Sam.

Question Answer Rating: DOMINATED!

—–

Our lifetime has seen an exponential increase in social technology. It seems more than ever we’re communicating through technology. Do you think we as a people are becoming less efficient communicators when we’re actually together?

–Lanny Thompson, Waxahachie TX

Lanny, great question. I thought for a long time about how to answer this question, and decided that the best way to analyze this issue was to dive in head first through empirical study. I met a woman on the internet, talked to her for a few days, and decided to meet up for a date. Here’s a transcription.

We met in a park in Denton, TX. She was sitting on a green, corrugated picnic table.

“Hello! Are you Kyle?” She holds out her hand.

“Hey.” I say, standing stock still. She slowly lowers her hand.

“How are you?” She asks.

“Fine. U?” I ask. I’m a good conversationalist, and am putting on a clinic in communication right now.

“Fine… Is that a frisbee you brought? I’m so bad at that. I can’t throw it more than like…two feet.”

“Lol.”

“What? Did you just say ‘lol’?”

“Haha. No. Brb.” I turn around as if I needed to do something, but quickly realized there was nothing for me to do. There’s about 20 or so seconds of gut-wrenching silence.

“Kyle, are you feeling OK?”

“Uh, I dunno. LMAO. BBL. BRB! GTG! Oh, fuck–” I throw up all over her feet. She left after that.

So, to answer your question, God in heaven, yes. Technology is a strong contributor to our disintegrating social skills.

Question Answer Rating: BONED!

—–

Is there a way to tell a girl you don’t know that she smells good without sounding creepy?

–Seaborn Sanders, Lewisville TX

Are you telling your significant other that she’s smelling good? If she is your significant other, you can compliment her fragrance without fear of being creepy. If she isn’t, well then no, there’s practically no way to tell her without sounding as creepy as a hairless cat with a hat on. *shivers

Question Answer Rating: MODERATELY RESOLVED!

—–

Do you think boxer briefs effectively hide my thunder?

–Jack McGraw, Flower Mound TX

Stop e-mailing me. Stop writing me letters, stop calling my home. I’m telling you, that restraining order isn’t some kind of fucking joke. It’s real. Stay away from me, and stay away from my family.

Question Answer Rating: TROUNCED!

—–

Where does “Kyle Irion” end and “IronKyle” begin?

–Jason Fieldman, Fort Worth TX

Oh my, that’s quite a question. IronKyle begins when the Lord of Hosts looked upon the void that was and spoke out his command for existence to commence. I think that was in like, 1987, or whatever. Let there be light. Let there be light. Kyle Irion ends when you cut his head off or shoot him with a silver bullet.

Question Answer Rating: FILLED WITH DECEIT! DECEIT FILLED!

—–

Well, there you go, everybody. Another mailbag in the books. All of these questions were sent to me by you, the people, the readers, the oil that greases the IronKyle machine my life blood. Later gators.

Oh yea, one more.

I want to hear more about C double R-E-D. Can you tell me more about the band C-Double R-E-D?

–Angela Frayre, Waxahachie TX

Angela is referencing a conversation we had in which I spelled “Creed” with two “R’s.” Isn’t she mean? I think she is. But anyway, Angela, here’s an update. Creed will be performing on Fox and Friends Morning Show on June 26th at 8 AM EST. They’re beginning a summer tour in support of their yet to be released new album, tentatively titled “Full Circle.” They’ll be in Dallas on September 22nd.

Question Answer Rating: TAKEN HIGHER!

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One Response to “MAILBAG III: Second Punch, First Kill, Part 3”

  1. creed fan June 16, 2009 at 1:33 am #

    hahah Satchel! You slay me.

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