Special Guest Blog: Wesley Alford

17 Jun

Wesley Alford is a good friend of mine whom I’ve known for over 10 years. Enjoy his page once you’re done here.

——–

An excerpt from Wesley Alford’s new book.

Look for it in your local book store in August 2009.

STAR WARS

EPISODE VII

KICKIN’ ASS IN SPACE

Luke, after burning his father, makes one more fire related joke.

“Liar, liar, your pants are on fire.”

He removes his marshmallow from the fire, makes a s’more and very respectfully pisses on the fire to put it out.  The sad Star Wars song plays loudly.  Luke noticed the three transparent blue figures near by.

“Maybe one of these ass-holes know where my bitch is at.”

“Hey guys.” The blue figures are Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin Skywalker.

“How’s it goin’?” Obi Wan asks.

“Good. Good.” Awkward.

“Have you seen my girl?”

“Who?” Yoda said in his dumb way.

“My ho bag–Leia.” [Kyle’s note: in an earlier draft, Wesley referred to Leia as a ‘Cum dumpster.’]

“Ho…are you sure that’s what you’re searching for? I mean…” Obi Wan stops and the three of them exchange glances. “Because… remember how sure you were that Darth wasn’t your father?”

Yoda chimes in again in his stupid backwards talking way, “Find her you will. Strong she is in the force, like you…and your father, and your mother.” Yoda leans forwards a little bit on his cane and raises a leathery eye brow.

“Yea, that’s cool. Ok, I’m out. You guys’re gayer than the Star Wars Christmas Special.” Luke leaves to find Leia.

Leia and Han Solo where celebrating the destruction of the Death Star with a very special kiss.  Han holds Leia close.  Leia whispers

“I love you, Han.”

Han whispers back, “I’m going to bone the shit out of you.”

Lela smiles and hugs him hard.

“What you doing with my girl, ‘Han-sandwich?”  yells Luke.

“Luke, I meant to tell you, I’m your sister.”  Leia said.

“…Dear God!” Luke said quietly.

Luke was not worried about the very romantic kiss Leia gave him on Hoth. Oh no, he was worried about going to hell because of all the times he used the force to choke himself while he “Jedi-jerked-it” to holo-pictures of her as a form of “Space-auto-erotic-asphyxiation.”

“I G2G” Luke said, jumped on his space motorcycle, and disappeared into the sky.

That’s when Luke found the Starship Enterprise.  He is beamed aboard. He makes fun of Spock’s hair cut.

Luke, fresh off his break up with his sister, begins to court Uhura.  The Jedi way of courting involves groping and heavy breathing.

As Luke was being forcefully escorted off the enterprise, they received a call.  It was from the two evilest people in the galaxy, Space Hitler, and his right hand man, The Gay Marriage robot.

“Good evening, Genital-men” said Space Hitler, “All your bases are belong to us.”

Everyone has a good laugh at this old internet meme.

“But 4reals, we gonna take your ship,” Space Hitler said.

Panic filled every member of the Enterprise.  Luke looked up, and prayed to space god, David Bowie.  Space Hitler’s men started to board the enterprise. All hope seemed lost.

But then Wesley “Shits everywhere” Alford shows up, with his buddy Michael Phelps.  “Shit’s about to be everywhere, Hitler.”  Wesley says.

Emotional. Whimsical. even worst than the I-III trilogy.

Look for

STAR WARS

EPISODE VII

KICKIN ASS IN SPACE.

In a store near you.

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4 Responses to “Special Guest Blog: Wesley Alford”

  1. warf's distant cousin June 17, 2009 at 4:33 pm #

    finish the fucking story!

  2. someone, not wesley June 17, 2009 at 9:32 pm #

    This is the greatest book I’ve ever read. some one give this guy a pizza.

  3. Prof. Box-Top June 17, 2009 at 11:03 pm #

    I do not think it is a question of whether or not this should be made into an actual movie or not. I think the question is, how fucking soon can this be made into a movie? How fucking soon indeed.

  4. Ryan June 18, 2009 at 9:22 pm #

    Stumbled across your blog somehow. Lord only knows how I found it amidst all of the garbage writing on the internetz, but I’ve enjoyed all that I’ve read. Someone should pay you for efforts. But not me. Someone else, maybe.

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