What My Resumé Would Look Like If I Were Honest.

13 Jul

“Iron” Kyle Irión

“When age has made you obsolete, I’m going to take your job!”

Summary of Qualifications

“What they don’t get is that I can never be paid enough. Never. Not unless they invent dollars made from the love of a child.” -Kyle Irion, 2009

  • OK, let’s be honest (Another qualification: I’m honest.). I’m not the most qualified guy for this position. However, I do have one thing that the other applicants probably don’t: A forklift license. This skill will be invaluable if the story I’m writing is about forklifts, or if the subject of an interview is hiding under a pallet of concrete, or bananas, or Valkyrie DVD’s. I can make those stories happen. I can offer you that. Let me help you.
  • Have you ever done something wrong? I haven’t. I wouldn’t know what that felt like.
  • I made and then ate a bowl of cereal comprised entirely of Lucky Charms marshmallows. This isn’t really a qualification (See? Honesty.).
  • In 1998, I was trying to communicate that a TV belonged to someone without saying “That TV of his.” It was at this time that I invented the apostrophe. I can now say “Wes’s TV.”
  • I spent a weekend building Kyletopia, or “Florida” as most people call it.

Education

“God, I hate school.” -Kyle Irion, 2007

  • I went to college once. When it became clear that my professors only wanted to talk talk talk and never listen, I left. I later came back because manual labor scares me.
  • I wrote, like, a million papers. Usually, I wouldn’t even do a revision. I’d just mentally throw up onto the screen and print it out. And guess what? They ate that shit up.
  • I found a grammatical error in The Old Man and the Sea.
  • I’ve been awarded with the President’s, Dean’s, and Santa’s (Nice) list.

Work Experience

“Work is for people who can’t find oil in their back yards.” –Kyle Irion, 2004

Carino’s Italian Grill Denton, TX

Salad Cook 01/2008- 04/2008

  • Spent hours hitting on the attractive female members of the wait staff. Used the phrase “Toss my salad” upwards of 18 times. Made out with three hostesses and got a hand job from a food runner.

Home Depot                                                                  Waxahachie, TX

Lot Attendant 05/2008- 08/2008

  • I’d hide in the sheds by the garden center until someone called me on my walkie. I would also steal flowers. I’d go sit in the bathroom and pretend to poop so I could be in the air conditioning.

Wal-Mart Waxahachie, TX

Produce Associate 05/2006- 08/2006

  • I ate strawberries in the backroom and used the oranges to learn to juggle.
  • During a hard selling period, I made an interesting new fruit called the bananapple. They looked really cool, but were pretty bad for you. All they were was a banana that had been glued to the side of an apple.
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3 Responses to “What My Resumé Would Look Like If I Were Honest.”

  1. Joel July 13, 2009 at 4:39 pm #

    was the food runner a guy or a girl?

    • Kyle Irion July 13, 2009 at 5:11 pm #

      Neither. The food runner was a woman.

  2. bubie nunie July 14, 2009 at 2:02 pm #

    You were a 16 year old boy lost in a world of seasoned olive oil and tomato wedges. No wonder you didn’t last very long.

    this was a funny post, kye. well dun.

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