My Screen Play for Bat Man III

30 Jul

Batman: The Dark Knight was a box-office power house, garnering over a billion dollars worldwide. Some say the third film will be receive noticeably less buzz because of the lack of a dead lead actor. I disagree. I think a strong Batman script can stand on its own without petty hype. I wrote my own screen play for the third Batman flick in the Christopher Nolan-era. Here’s a sample:

—————————————————————–

Batman III: It’s Scary at Knight

(Commissioner stands on roof. He looks out onto night skyline of Gotham. He’s wearing glasses. Glasses mean you’re smart. Camera pans behind the Commissioner, revealing the Batman.)

Commissioner:
Batman! You can’t scare me like that! I’m getting too old for you to be–

Batman: (In rough Batman Voice)

I had no time!

Commissioner: (Wearing glasses.)

No time for what?

Batman: (Batman looks around nervously. Growls.)

To tell you where I’m standing! I’m standing where I’m fucking standing, OK?! (Batman crosses his arms, holding himself.)

(Batman and Commissioner both stand, confused. Commissioner still doesn’t understand Batman’s needs—emotionally. Flash back to Batman and Commissioner laying in a motel bed together. Batman is still wearing his cowl. He turns to hold the Commissioner, but is swatted away. The Commissioner is wearing glasses.)

Commissioner:

There’s been a break out at Arkham. This was a big one, Batman. The Riddler has escaped.

Batman:

(Screams like a girl)

Commissioner: (Surprised. A bit concerned.)

Are you OK?

Batman: (Embarrassed)

Yes. Yes. I’m fine. I just get jumpy around… crime.

Commissioner:

Wh…aren’t you a crime fighter?

(Batman is gone. All he has left is a small Post-It note with “SRY, GTG :-P” in Sharpie…black Sharpie. A Sharpie as black as Knight. [Be sure audience knows that “night” is spelled with a “K.” This is imperative.])

Scene II

(Batman stands facing the Riddler. They are grappling on a catwalk that is suspended above a vat of acid. Acid is bubbling. Instead of bubbling sounds, use Seinfeld-esque bass-slaps.)

Riddler: (played by Jim Carrey, Eddie Murphy, Johnny Depp, CGI Heath Ledger, Steve Buscemi)

Riddle me this, Batman. (Looking down at acid) What do you call a very clean super hero?

Batman: (In Clint Eastwood voice)

Happy! (Smiles like a child. Claps.)

Riddler: (Now played by Kevin James.)

No. You call him BATH MAN!

(Riddler kicks Batman. Batman almost falls into the acid. They grapple along the handrails above the very dangerous vat of acid. To make sure the audience knows it’s dangerous, make it lime-green.)

Batman: (Escaping the grasp of the Riddler.)

Riddle me this, Riddler. What do you call a Riddler in acid?

Riddler: (All Buscemi-like)

What?

Batman: (Looks to camera, winks. Has Ferris Bueller-like monologue where he talks about how he will always
remember this day and how he and the Riddler will never be the same.)

You call him “Dead as shit.”

(Kicks Riddler into vat of acid. Riddler is like so pissed. And dead.)

————————————————————-

That’s all I can give you because of copyright constraints. I’m also afraid of Christopher Nolan stealing all my ideas without having to pay for them, so I’ll stop short of giving it all away. Enjoy!




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7 Responses to “My Screen Play for Bat Man III”

  1. Joel July 30, 2009 at 11:22 am #

    blasphemy

  2. greenchikin July 31, 2009 at 7:55 am #

    greatness

  3. Chris August 1, 2009 at 7:20 am #

    This is my absolute favorite one Kyle. God, I could read these for days. I can’t wait for another screenplay. Please do another screenplay. Please. Do another. Screenplay.

    Phhhuuhhhllleeeaaasdoanutterscreenplllaaahhh!!

    “wearing glasses”

    lolz

  4. taliass August 1, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    i would love to see steve buscemi as batman himself. toy with the idea and get back to me

  5. Stephen T. Howell August 4, 2009 at 1:20 pm #

    This makes me happy. It made half of my day.
    It makes me the kind of happy that makes you have a party in your pants. Not a solo party, an RSVP event that you are now invited to.

    And there’s no facebook group, so

    yes____
    no_____

    maybe so____

    bring chips and dip____

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. My Favorite Posts of 2009 « Eat This, Internet. - December 31, 2009

    […] My Screenplay for Bat Man III- Here it is. The big mama. My first screenplay. I can’t tell you how much fun I had writing […]

  2. SUNDAY BONUS! More Quotes From Kyle « Eat This, Internet. - March 9, 2010

    […] So I posted yesterday. Yea, I did that. It was just OK. No, no, no, listen, I know it wasn’t my best, but hey. I fucking tried. I decided that you people deserve better, though. You deserve something […]

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