Archive | 11:29 am

Mailbag 4: Giggle Free or Laugh Hard

10 Aug

My inbox is flooded with questions and some of them are very important. I love helping out my readers, and I’m proud to afford an open line of communication with the public. Let’s get down to business.

You ever seen those little birds that just sit there spaced out and won’t move–unless you kick ’em? Isn’t that fuckin’ weird? Sam, Highland Village TX

Sam, thanks for the question. The bird you’re referring to could be motionless and “spaced out” because it is, in fact, yard art. In which case, you may have just embarrassed yourself in front of the internet.

It could also be one of several different breeds of domestic birds that have become acclimated to the presence of people, such as the common Rock Pigeon. It’s the bird with the same kind of “You won’t do nothin'” smugness disrespectful children show to people who aren’t their parents. What you need to do is kick it as hard as you can. As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

Kyle, I’ve been noticing something that really bothers me while I’m driving to work. I saw a truck with a pair of large, orange, testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. This broke my heart, because my car doesn’t have those. Few cars do, in fact. Does this mean my car was neutered by a previous owner? Will my car ever feel like it’s a full “car” on the inside? Is my car just a girl?  Sam, Highland Village TX

That’s quite a question, young man. Let me start with this: the level of emotional dedication and love you have for your vehicle is at both times moving and disconcerting. Take your car to the mechanic. Tell them you want your inspection. When your car is in the dock, walk over to the head mechanic and, very quietly, almost at a whisper, ask them to show you the car’s sex organs. Reach your hand to where you think they are, then as a reference point, gesture toward the mechanic’s genitals, then back to the car. Just do that. And film it. Send me the tape.

Is it OK to high five yourself for getting some the night before if no one else is around to share the victory? — Phil, Plano TX

I weep for those who can’t give themselves a high five. I love pouring adulation on myself. I will, on  a regular basis, throw myself “Congrats” luncheons when I’ve done something good. I go to the Golden Corral at around 10 or so, set up a big table with lots of decorations and banners, shake hands with the manager and come back two hours later. I walk into the restaurant, look really surprised, and then sit down and eat two or three pounds of macaroni and cheese before falling asleep on a pile of dinner rolls.

What is your take on the “Bros before hos” supposition? –Jacob, Garland TX

I only care for those who can bear me a child. Get off my web site, Jacob.

Kyle, I was watching Sleepless in Seattle recently and it reminded me of your uncanny ability to pick up babes. Ever since I graduated and moved back in with my old roommates (some people prefer to call them parents), chasing tail has proven infinitely tougher. I don’t even know where girls my age hang out anymore and when I tell girls who are still in college that I graduated they look at me funny. I’ve resorted to finding where the local cougars hang out and now I eat at The Corner Bakery for lunch at least three times a week. Can you help me? Thanks! –Nolan, Lewisville TX

Nolan. Your problem is a common one–not so common as to affect me, but still very common.

Women your age usually hang out at places like the mall, grocery stores, and coffee shops. They enjoy makeup, dresses, and Lisa Frank stationary. Buy them lots of these things.

The reason girls look at you weird when you tell them you’ve graduated is probably because they feel you lack proper documentation. Girls love proper paperwork. Bring your diploma around with you, preferably in a frame, and preferably on a chain around your neck. This way, girls can see your degree just by looking for you. You’ve now made yourself irresistible.

Tonight I am stuck in an airport for an extra 13 hours because there was something they called “lightning” and “gale force winds.” Due to this I was forced to miss my date with my bed and shower. Now I’m sitting in an airport watching a creepy lady take pictures of people sleeping with her camera. On a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous are you? — Jack, Flower Mound TX


If you could describe Austin City Limits in one word, what would it be?–Jeff, Tulsa OK


What would you say would be our best option, as a country, to turn the economy around? –Nick, Mesa AZ

Man, this is a loaded question. There are so many different ways to go about it. I think if America wants to get back on track, we need a lot more of one thing: money. How do we get money? How does anybody get money? Craig’s List. For too long, Craig’s List has been severely underutilized by the National Government. We should be using this as an international tool for getting out of debt. I’ve set up a sample ad. Feel free to use this, America.

Land for Sale – $150,000,000,000 (Rhode Island)

Date: 2009-08-09, 2:19PM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

Antique state with great views. Lots of houses and people already there. Can be removed at buyer’s expense. Some minor flaws (High elderly population. Also can be removed at buyer’s expense.), but really a great piece of land. Perfect place to dump your country’s pesky industrial waste supply!
  • Location: America. We’re selling Rhode Island.
  • It’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
  • Willing to haggle. This State is priced to MOVE!

PostingID: 1314121372

We can also lease Will Ferrel out to the Chinese.

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