Kyle Speaks: A Series of Quotes on a Variety of Topics

16 Aug

Hello. How are you? Good, that’s good.

I get calls from politicians and speech writers all the time, asking for quotes on a variety of topics.  I sometimes don’t have time to stop down and find the specific quote they ask for, though. I have things to do. Judge Judy only comes on three times a day, and I can’t miss it. I’m sorry if I care about justice.

Now, fortunately, I’ve had time to compile a list of my greatest quotes used at various speaking engagements throughout my life. Enjoy.

Babies

“Babies are truly a blessing–no matter how you get one: planned or accidental, in or out of wedlock, in or out of a dumpster. I however, prefer my children left in a basket on my door step. If the movies have anything to say about it, those kids always end up being the best.” —Kyle Irion at a Planned Parenthood Conference, 2005.

Death

“Death comes to us all–unless you’re the Highlander–or Mickey Rooney. But yea, death definitely, definitely, came to George Carlin.” –Kyle Irion at the funeral of comedian George Carlin, 2009.

“‘Do not go gentle into that dark night.’ That is beautiful poetry by the English poet Dylan Thomas. Let me give you some more poetry, written by me: ‘Sometimes when you drive your car into a tree things don’t end up so good.'” —Kyle Irion at a MADD Luncheon, 2007.

Government

“Thomas Jefferson said that ‘The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.’ Smart. But I say that ‘The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the urine from Barack Obama’s weiner.'” -Kyle Irion at a Democratic Party Convention, 2008.

“The best governments are those that govern fairly and strongly. The greatest leaders are wise, rational, and compassionate. The greatest government America can hope for is a dictatorship under Professor Charles Xavier.” -Kyle Irion on Meet the Press, 2004.

Love

“Listen. I love love. I especially love love when it’s from behind.” Kyle Irion at the Hallmark Greetings Annual Writer’s Ball, 2007.

“The best love in this world costs you nothing. The second best love in this world costs you $45 and a ride back from the motel.” –Kyle Irion at a special Valentine’s Day assembly at Shackelford Elementary School, 2006.

I really hope you all learned something. I’ll post more of these as I find them. In the meantime, just sit and ponder these that sit before you. I’m sure you’ll find something you need. You just gotta.

“Saying goodbye is a lot like homicide. It’s only fun when you don’t like the person.” -Kyle Irion, to you, just now.

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