Meet the Editor.

18 Aug

Hey, everyone. My name is Kyle Irion, owner, CEO, author, and Czar of ironkyle.wordpress.com. It takes a lot to run this site. Today I’m going to introduce you to probably the fourth or fifth biggest part of IronKyle: my editor. He edits for a lot of things: spelling, grammar, offensive material, and fun. I thought it would be really nice if everybody got to meet him outside of the bracketed “Editor’s Notes” you see on my blogs. We sat down for an interview at my home in Waxahachie. I feel like we really learned a lot from each other. Here’s the poop:

“Hello… editor…” There is a long pause. I don’t remember this man’s name.

“…Do you… do you not remember my name?” No, I do not remember this man’s name. He hangs his head for a second and sighs deeply. “How do you not remember my name? You hired me. You sign my checks every month.”

“Editor,” I pause for a moment. “I just feel that you and I have such an intimate relationship th–”

“Professional–professional relationship,” he interrupts. “My wife reads these. You understand.”

“Yea. Anyway, aren’t we beyond silly ‘names’? Can’t we just be co-humans for a bit?”

“I suppose so.”

“I suppose so, too. So, first question. Tell the internet. Am I a good boss?”

“It’s…” He searches for words. “I wouldn’t say so, no. You are constantly insulting me in your blogs. You promise people outrageous things and then direct them to me to collect. Do you know how many times I’ve had to change my phone number since I started working for you? Like six. Six times. I don’t get paid nearly enough. And another thing–handing me a box of band-aids and a copy of the bible is not a medical benefits package.”

I am aghast at these allegations. “You don’t think Jesus Christ our personal Lord and Savior, heavenly and mighty, shining on in all his glory forever and ever in the presence of His Holy Father, born of a virgin under the light of all God’s angels, can protect you from disease?” I ask. I bring my hand to my heart, because that’s where Jesus lives–and if Jesus heard what Editor said, he probably wasn’t feeling too good.

I’m not saying that at all. I personally don’t think God works like that.”

“Ah, so you’re saying God is a bum?”

“Excuse me? How did you get th–”

“You said God doesn’t work. He’s unemployed. Are you now saying you wouldn’t hire Jesus Christ if he walked into your business and asked for a job?”

“Well, what’s the business?” Editor asks. Good question.

“…Editing.” I say, hesitantly.

“Does Jesus have any prior experience?”

“He scared a demon out of a man and into some pigs once.”

“No, I wouldn’t hire him, then.” Editor says.

We sit in absolute silence while I get out my phone to text my mom’s church friends.

“What is the best part about being my editor?” I ask.

“Hm. Well, really it’s the places that we’ve gone and some of the famous people I’ve gotten to meet. It’s really a privilege to do what I do, in spite of the…hardships. The really cool thing is when I have been fortunate enough to actually create friendships with these celebrities.”

“Friendships?” I think about all my celebrity friends.

celebfriends“Yea, I’ve retained fairly good friendships with a couple of our interviewees.” Editor says. “Since the tweeting blog, I’ve become fairly close to John Mayer and Shaq. John was at my apartment last weekend. I met John Legend at Michael Jackson’s viewing and we still exchange phone calls fairly regularly.”

“You’re not allowed to go on any of the trips anymore,” I say.

“What? Why not? Who’s going to remember to give them the release forms?”

“I will.”

You will.”

“Yes.”

“Kyle, in case you don’t remember, the last time you did the paperwork with our guests for on-site interviews, you tried to give Madonna a release form that had a big butt drawn on it. When she questioned it, you told her it was because you didn’t want her to touch your real butt with her witch/Kaballah hands.”

“That’s a reasonable request. Kaballah is witchcraft.” I say.

“No Kyle, it isn’t. Kaballah is a mystic branch of Judaism. Regardless, to limit the risk of repeated incidents, I’ve been handling the legal side of it ever since.”

“Well I want to do handle it again.”

“No.” Editor responded. I decided to drop it here. Editor looked like he was going to cry or something. [Editor’s Note: You’re a child.] “Let me ask you one more question, Editor,” I said. “What do you like to do in your spare time? What are your passions?”

“Oh, man. I love art, really. Poetry, painting. I actually do a little writing of my own. I keep it all on my computer, though. I’m not gutsy enough to put it out there where everybody can read it, but I’ve been considering getting a blog recently and posting some of it.”

“So you’d be competition, then?” I start eyeballing an aluminum baseball bat in the corner of the room. “You think anybody can do this blogging thing?”

“Yes. That’s one of the crucial parts of what makes blogging the phenomenon. Anybody can bl–” I slap Editor across his face. He gasps. I immediately withdraw my hand and stand from my seat. I take several paces away from the table and tears fill my eyes.

“I’m…I’m sorry. I don’t know wh–” I say.

“You… you hit me.” Editor says. He’s awestruck.

“I’m s–” I struggle to express my remorse. A gulf opens between us.

“I quit.” Editor stands up and walks towards the door.

“Editor! Wait! I have something I need to tell you.” His hand on the knob, back to me, his head turns only slightly, now viewing me from over his shoulder.

“What is it?” He says.

“I love you. I love you and I’m sorry for taking you for granted. You do a great job and this site wouldn’t be half of what it is without you. I wouldn’t be half of what I am without you. Come back. Let’s start over.” He let go of the knob and turned to me. It is now that I notice something I couldn’t when Editor had his back to me: Tears.

“All I’ve ever wanted to be was appreciated. Of course I’ll come back.” His lip began to shake–like a girl’s lip would after she found out somebody called her fat. I think Editor might just be a really ugly girl. [Editor’s Note: God damn you, Kyle.]

Yes, Editor. God damn me. God damn everyone. For IronKyle, this is Kyle Irion–signing off. Good day.

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3 Responses to “Meet the Editor.”

  1. taliass August 18, 2009 at 2:52 pm #

    haha this may be my new favorite post. from the sacriligious undertones to the tearful face slapping. VERY FUNNAY

    • Kyle Irion August 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

      Awesome, thanks, woman. I thought about you whenever you’d do the “Jesus Christ my personal lawrd and savyer” southern joke.

  2. pantspantsnopants August 20, 2009 at 5:04 pm #

    i like celebrity friends graphic.

    glad you rewrote the intro a bit. better.

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