Wolverine vs. Barack Obama in a Battle for Your Health.

20 Aug

I like being healthy. It pisses me the hell off when I find out I have illness. I remember one time a doctor told me I had an inner ear infection and I ended up slashing his tires and writing “Stick this in yer ear” on his windshield with shoe polish. It was really embarrassing when I had to go in later because I left my phone on the table, but still totally worth it. All that being said, being healthy and having good preventative medicine is really important to me. I understand, however, that people will still need medical care occasionally for things that preventative medicine cannot avert. It’s this reality that makes proper health care a must.

Some people–people like me and my dad–don’t need a whole lot of medicine. We hardly need any medical care at all. It’s easy for people like us, the genetically healthy (mutants), to say “Listen, I don’t care a whole lot for medical insurance or who’s payin’ for it. I just don’t care.” It’s also easy for these people to get clawed in the face by my dad.

Me and the ol' man last thanksgiving.

Me and the ol' man last Thanksgiving.We're thankful for rust remover.

Some people, however, can’t help but get sick. And unfortunately, it just so happens that some people who get sick can’t afford the medical care they need. Some can’t even afford to see the doctor so that he can tell them they can’t afford the medicine they need. How do we remedy this? Free health care? Perhaps, but perhaps not. (See, that’s how I sound intelligent without actually saying anything at all.)

I admittedly know practically nothing about the debate over private and public health insurance. So, I contacted my sources (Wikipedia, my brother Nick, MTV), and got some more information.

The 8 principles of Obama’s health plan are to:

  1. Better utilize technology to provide faster access to medical records. There is also a proposal for the President to finance a plan to get stupid freaking Facebook Chat to work. (“‘No longer online?’ They were midsentence! They still have a speech bubble!”)
  2. Support research into treatment comparisons so doctors and patients have a better idea of what specific path would be best for them.
  3. Double cancer research funding, including a $6 billion injection (medical pun) to National Health Institutes.
  4. Improve services for American Indians and Alaskan Natives (Eskimos, Snow Men).
  5. Recruit more into the medical health fields, including $331 million for doctors, nurses, dentists, etc. in areas of shortage.
  6. Expand child care plans such as “Early Head Start” and “Head Start” and create new programs to support first time mothers.
  7. Improve Medicare, the government insurance program for seniors.
  8. Give the FDA a big ol’ money vitamin (1 billion milligrams) to support more inspections and aid in the creation of new labs for the surveillance of what President Obama refers to as “food terrorists,” or “germs.”

These all sound great. The proposed cost for the American tax-payer will be roughly $630 billion over 10 years. That’s a lot of clams. That’s a lot of beans. That’s a lot of bucks, dubloons, cash, change, currency, baby fists. I made the last one up.

Detractors of this plan claim that it would provide a hefty price tax-wise The reason this plan will be so expensive for each individual tax payer is that each one of us will be paying for every other citizen’s use of EVERY available medical treatment–from in-vitro fertilization to mental health benefits–treatments that are much more expensive any procedure most people usually pay for.

It would also force all citizens to pay the same for their medical insurance in spite of their level of risk. For instance, in the current insurance game, a guy like me– a guy with a mutant healing ability–would have a substantially lower monthly payment because I’m at lower risk of actually needing to draw from my fund. Other people–the elderly, people who juggle fire, or people who mess with me and my dad–are at a higher risk of injury and thus required to pay more because of the higher probability of them actually using the insurance money. With Yomama’s plan, everybody would pay the same, so young people would be TOTALLY JIPPED LIKE WTF GOD, MOM! I, a specimen of human excellence, would pay the same as that old guy I saw at IHOP with the weird foot problem. Disgusting. I don’t want the government seeing us in the same way. We aren’t the same. I can jump.

Some say there’s a danger that Americans will over-consume this “free healthcare,” driving up taxes, making the plan actually more expensive than before. Other say th…

This sucks.

Let’s do something more fun. Look at this!

WOOHOOOO! HEALTH!

WOOHOOOO! HEALTH!

There are a lot of things Obama wants to implement that the liberal media isn’t reporting. Check THIS out:

Pictured on right: Grandpa. Pictured on left: Sacrifice to the Socialist Overlord.

Pictured on right: Grandpa. Pictured on left: Sacrifice to the Socialist Overlord.

Washington insiders say that, being under heavy pressure from his constituency (America), Barack has looked to alternatives to private vs. public medical insurance. One anonymous source has told IronKyle Editor that at a recent meeting with the Surgeon General, Barack tossed out the entirety of the U.S. Medical Research heads, screaming about a strong demand for unicorn blood. Michelle Obama quickly saw to the removal of all media related to the J.K. Rowling series, Harry Potter, from the White House. No matter how futile his search may be, the message is clear: Barack Obama wants to harvest the blood of beautiful Unicorns to help the sick. Gross. Have you ever seen a sick person? Do you ever see Lisa Frank putting sick people on her stationary? No. Do you see beautiful paintings of sick people being ridden by ancient Greek gods? No, that’s silly. Sick people are weak and complain too much for that.

Whatever Obama wants, we must be weary. There’s word that no one can find a valid birth certificate for Barack. Could this be because he’s not even from Earth? How could he possibly understand the plight of the human form if he isn’t even human. Think about it. Have you ever seen him get sick? Do you ever see him and Superman at the same place at the same time? Absolutely not.

Oh. All right, well nevermind on that.

Oh. All right, well never mind, then.

Wherever this debate ends up, with price locks and heavily-regulated, socialistic governmental control of the medical industry or a completely free-market, private system similar to the one we already have, we should try to  remember that we’re all in this together and that nobody’s out to ruin America. That’s just ridiculous. Come on, people now. Smile on your brother. Everybody, get together. Try to love one another right now.

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One Response to “Wolverine vs. Barack Obama in a Battle for Your Health.”

  1. pantspantsnopants August 20, 2009 at 5:03 pm #

    ” …American Indians and Alaskan Natives (Eskimos, Snow Men).” funny.

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