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Guest Post: Wesley Alford

24 Aug

OK, so my friend has a blog. It’s awesome. Here’s his latest post. For more of this gold, go to his site. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

The Art of Cool

Originally posted on August 12, 2009

Have you ever seen that movie “Be Cool”? After I watched that movie I was worried about my own coolness level (I was so worried that I didn’t even pay attention to the movie, except the part where the rock slapped his butt and made noises for quite a while). Now i know what your thinking, “Where is he going with this?” and “Stop reading my mind”, and you know what I say to that? “Shut the fuck up, and let me finish the Damned Blog, jeez.” Anyway I took the Jane Goodall approach, and lived among the young people to learn their ways. I dressed up in “cool” clothes and when to the local mall. After years of research here are a few excerpts from my study journal…

Wesley’s Study Journal of the Young and Unbearably Stupid

October 26, 2007
3:36 pm

The leader has finally accepted me into their Clan!!!! The leader, the one I call “Giant Douche”, asked if I wanted to “Squat my Load” at the table (Lord, I hope that just means to sit down). He asked me “how’s those balls” (Translation: Whats going on, Whats up). I said that I was “frozen” (I am fine) and “Whats your knuckles like” (How are you) to which Giant Douche replied “Bitches be text’n” (Bitches are Texting). Then Giant Douche’s friend “Smaller Douche” spoke up. Smaller Douche said “Evil Cloth, Fornicator” (Nice shirt, Buddy), I was wearing my shirt with Carlton from Fresh Prince being brutally murdered on the front of it. I said to Smaller douche “10-4 homey”. To my dismay, every one at the table stared at me and I ran off crying…
sigh… back to square one.

Trendy language facts:

-The word “butt” is used interchangeably with any describing word.
ex. “Her dress is very butt.”, “My butt feels like butt.”

-The word “Fantastic” is replaced with the word “phantasm”
ex. “That movie was phantasm.”, “phantasm, class is over.”

-”Super naked” just means regular naked

-”Ba-bang-a-tang” means “a orangutan that sells marijuana”

-a “stinky” is a homeless person.

What a wonderful 5 years of my life. Scientist are using my finding to make a potion that will automatically make you cool, or kill all the children, one or the other.

tl:dr Children are sacks of shit

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