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Screenplay of My Life

1 Sep

My life is pretty neat. Take today for example: I woke up, fought off a hangover, chased my cats around the house, and looked for cool stuff in a creek (I found a pair of cut-off overalls. If you ignore the blood stain, they’re actually pretty sweet. I’m wearing them right now.). That’s why it didn’t surprise me when I was approached by an incredibly wealthy Hollywood agent (He owned a convertible. I could tell by the tone of his voice. He totally seemed “top down.”). He wanted to shoot a film based on my life. HE presented me with a screen play written by an up and coming screen writer.

I, of course, leaped at the opportunity to have my own biopic. After a close reading of the first three pages, though, I decided the original screenplay was lacking. If this movie is going to have my name on it, I want it done right. So, I rewrote the screenplay and sent it back to the agent.


An original screenplay


“Iron” Kyle Irion


Scene 1

(Our film opens with a shot of the night sky. Slash is in it, floating. He is playing a wicked guitar solo. Camera lowers onto a shot of a dumpster. An unsuccessfully-aborted baby Kyle exits. Because of his already hard life, baby Kyle has a prominent five o’clock shadow.)

Baby Kyle: (Shakes dirt off. Wipes mouth with back of hand. Baby Kyle is voiced by Clint Eastwood.)

Looks like I got a couple ‘o scores to settle.

(Slash starts to play again, lowering from the sky to stand behind baby Kyle. This startles baby Kyle, because he is only an infant. Baby Kyle starts to cry. His tears are liquid metal. An angry white woman arrives and hits Slash with her purse. Slash flies away.)

White Woman: (With adoration.)

Why look at you. You’re just a scared little baby with a dark and haunted past. Someone needs to love you.

Narrator (James Earl Jones): That was the day I met the woman who would become my mother. Even though she was white and I was obviously of some exotic ethnic origin, maybe Texan, we made it work. She raised me as her own–separately of course, and in the garage, so I didn’t bother her white children. I loved her dearly.


Scene 1

(Kyle has just graduated college. He has begun hanging out with a local outcast who is actually a brilliant scientist who is actually Christopher Lloyd. Together, they have found a way to travel through time. They discovered the secret by re-watching old episodes of LOST. They also stole a time machine from the government. Kyle has transported himself back in time to win the Vietnam War for America. Kyle stands in a battlefield in South Vietnam. He is wearing extremely tight camouflage pants. His quads look fantastic.)

Kyle: (One leg hoisted on a pile of bodies, surveying the battle field thoughtfully, seductively.)

Thank you for having me, Vietnam.

(Kyle shoots something off screen. Close-up on Kyles face. He has a beautifully groomed handlebar mustache. )

…I love what you’ve done with the place.

(Explosion. Slash plays another wicked guitar solo. He is playing from beyond the grave. Slash is dead.)

Corporal Spider Man, what’s the word from the front?

(Kyle points at the front of his pants. A studio audience laughs hysterically. Spider Man looks around, confused as to where all that laughter is coming from. He never finds out.)

Corporal Spider Man: (Played by Jonah Hill.)

Things aren’t going well, Kyle. We’ve lost an entire platoon today. This is a nightmare. We just can’t find them. Like literally, we cannot find that platoon. I’m starting to think they’re all dead! The Vietcong just come out of NOWHERE, man!


They are like tiny brown magicians, eh? Always disappearing and reappearing and pulling rabbits out of their hats.

Corporal Spider Man:

Yea, yea, wait what? No, no, they don’t pull rabbits out of their hats, sir.



Corporal Spider Man:

No, they really don’t. (Leaning in close so other soldiers can’t hear) Have you even seen a Vietcong up close?


What? Preposterous. I’ve seen them hundreds of times. Maybe millions. (Standing up straight) I have probably seen a the Vietcong a million times.

Corporal Spider Man:



Are you questioning a superior? Do you want to be written up for insubordination? (Kyle is very tough.)

Corporal Spider Man:



All right then. Don’t question me again. Go out and find the Vietcong. Just use your Spidey Sense. You should be able to find them in no time. I pulled a lot of strings to get you in my battalion, soldier. Now get to it, eh? Be our hero!

(There’s a moment of unease. Spider Man sighs deeply.)

Corporal Spider Man:

OK, I’m going to be honest with you. I feel that people have grossly overestimated the power of my Spidey Sense. It’s really more closely linked to like, rain and stuff. I can just kind of tell when it’s going to rain.

(Smiles nervously.)


God you are useless. That radioactive spider was such a waste on you. Here, can you like, bite me? Man I would be such a better Spider Man than you. Can you? Can you just bite my hand? Will I get any of your powers? Bite my hand.

(Kyle tries to force his hand into Spider Man’s mouth. Kyle cannot find Spider Man’s mouth because Spider Man is wearing a mask. Kyle accidentally pokes Spider Man in the eye a few times, then gets distracted by a bug and quits.)

Corporal Spider Man, it’s time to call in the secret weapon.

Corporal Spider Man:

You mean you’re going to call in…

Kyle: (Heavy metal music starts.)

Yes. It’s time to call in Commander Jesus.

(Kyle closes his eyes and seems to be thinking really hard.)

Corporal Spider Man:

What’re you doing?


I’m asking God if Jesus is busy answering prayers or whatever and if he isn’t could he maybe help me out. He’s usually pretty free, but you never know in this economy. (Closes eyes again.)

(Just at that moment, a giant Apache helicopter flies in from the north and transforms into a heavily-armored Jesus. Jesus turns and winks at the camera.)

Jesus: (Played by Tom Hanks)

Let there be light.

(Explosions are shown behind Jesus as he walks toward Kyle and Spider Man.)

So. (Rubs hands together) Who could use some Jesus powers?


Time to give these Viet-dongs a baptism by FIRE.

(Kyle and Jesus give each other a brotherly high five. Things are awesome.)

Wow! Man. I wonder what’s going to happen next! Not really. I wrote it, so I know exactly what’s going to happen next. I sent my screen play to my agent to see what he thought. I’ll tell you about that later.

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