Archive | 4:22 pm


7 Sep

HEY! Do you know what Labor Day is?! Fuck no! You have no idea!

The end.

Short blogs are better!

Trump Tower.

7 Sep now has a thing called “Cracked Topics.” They set up a list of topics and Cracked users can go in and write an article about said topics. You have seven days to write the article, then it goes to someone else. If you finish it in time, the editing staff reads and, if they like it, put it on the front page.
I signed up to write a piece on the Trump Tower, but forgot until thirty minutes before it was due. So I just sat down and effectively shit on the internet. Here’s what I came up with:
Trump Tower.

Trump Tower.

Protect us, Dark Father.

Just The Facts

  1. Trump Tower exists.
  2. Trump Tower is the lynch pin by which all evil in this world is connected.
  3. Trump Tower is tall.

Built from the bones of his enemies, the Trump Tower stands proudly at the corner of 56th and 5th Avenue. The building houses a number of different businesses, from retail, to offices, to skin-peeling conglomerates. Skin-peeling has been big for this relatively young member of the New York sky line.

There are fifty eight stories in Trump Tower–fifty seven can be reached by elevator or stairs. The fifty eighth is reachable only through blood sacrifice or Stargate. A lot of people die in that building. God, do a lot of people die in that building.

Upon entry to the Tower, patrons are greeted by a twenty foot tall onyx statue of Donald J. Trump, Lord of the Tower. When asked about the statue, Trump was quoted as saying “What statue? Someone else must have put that there, I’m sure.” The reporter then pressed Trump a bit on the matter, stating that nothing of such note could have been added to the Tower without the confirmation of Donald Trump himself. Trump simply looked at the man, put his hand to the man’s right cheek and whispered something into his ear. The reporter put his camera away immediately and went home. The body of this reporter has yet to be found.

At the time of its construction, Trump Tower was the largest building of its kind–the haunted kind. It was also the biggest building in NY to utilize a reinforced-concrete sheer wall/core structure. The shield generator in the building’s basement is also regarded as fairly unique. There’s also the blood fountain.

Residents of the tower’s residential areas report hearing strange creeks and groans coming from the walls, telling them of the various “World Class” amenities. They also claim to have seen various members of the Apprentice cast walking the halls late at night.

Some believe that if Trump himself were to ever perish, the Tower itself would too perish.

When Donald Trump is angry, observers note a distinct “darkness” to the Tower, as if it is absorbing all light around it. Also, when Donald Trump is feeling gassy, some say the Tower looks slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable.

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