Archive | 6:21 pm


26 Sep

Welcome to a new segment on, “Inside Celebrities,” where I present a nice little expose about one of my favorite celebrities.

Today we’re diving deep inside of James Woods: Actor, semi-professional poker player, and volunteer police officer (all true).


James Philip Lamar Jason Michael Jack Mudpie Woods was born on August 16, 1947 to parents Jesus and A Big Pile of Diamonds.

James Woods was a precocious child, spending most days secluded in his tree house (which he made himself at the age of 6). James’s tree house was the only one in the entire neighborhood to have indoor plumbing and and a helipad. For this reason, rumors circulated that his dad probably helped him on it. Jesus said that no he didn’t help and then sent most of those people to hell for all eternity.

As a student, James was average at best, never able to truly dedicate himself to his studies. His teachers said he could often be found staring out the window during lessons, day dreaming. It was later revealed that James was watching a couple of squirrels that would use the tree outside the window for sex.

When James was a young man, he joined the Boy Scouts. This was a short-lived venture due to a traumatic and life-changing event at a holiday outreach event. The troop was scheduled to travel to a local elementary school and perform a holiday-theme musical. James, already showing a penchant for creative expression, volunteered to direct the musical. James decided to take the musical RENT and change all the lead characters to popular holiday figures. The first performance was stopped by the faculty when it became apparent that Frosty the Snowman, the life-partner of Santa Claus, was about to die of advanced HIV. Upon word of the cancellation, James threw himself into the crowd in a fit of “Musical Theater Rage” as he later described it.  This is how James Woods accidentally ruined Christmas one year.

"My first mistake was slapping that child. My second mistake was slapping that other child."

"My first mistake was slapping that child. My second mistake was slapping that other child." -James Woods

James Woods has looked 45 since he was 8. This isn’t because of any kind of medical condition. It’s because he wanted it that way.

In high school, James was the star of the theater department. One collegiate scout had this to say of the budding actor: “Wait, how old is that kid? He looks like he’s fifty. Something’s wrong here.” James was approached by an agent upon graduating high school, but turned him down, wanting to first pursue his education.

James attended MIT, planning to become a surgeon upon graduation. Woods’s attainment of this position would have seemed unlikely, as he received a degree in Economics. However, with his dry wit and Jersey-charm, James soon got a position as a neurosurgeon at New York’s Rockefeller University Hospital. Woods lost this position after he killed six consecutive patients. James was well known around the hospital for his trademark, pre-surgery tag line: “I’m not a surgeon.”

Soon after leaving the medical field, James followed his previous love, theater. His first role was in the Broadway presentation of Borstal Boy, a play depicting Irish nationalist Brendan Behan’s stay in the borstal, the British juvenile jail. Woods played Phil Gradcall, a fellow activist who happened to have fire powers. The fire powers were not part of the original script, but Woods felt that the character “called for them” and improvised the detail so well at rehearsals that it was written into the script. Writer Frank McMahon called the addition “the greatest insult to a literary work I have ever seen, but when ‘Phil’ used his fire powers to burn that woman’s clothes off, I thought that was pretty awesome.” The play garnered critical and popular acclaim and launched Woods into the limelight.

James followed this role up with another stint on Broadway and gradually transitioned into film. He has twice garnered Academy award nominations. One in 1987 for Best Actor in the film Salvador, and the second in 1996 for Best Supporting Actor in the film Ghosts of Mississippi. Ghosts of Mississippi depicted the trial of white supremacist Byron De La Beckwith (played by James Woods), who stood accused of the murder of civil rights activist Medgar Evers. There were rumors of friction between James and co-star Whoopi Goldberg, sprouting from a remark Woods had made about Whoopi’s last film, Sister Act. Said James, “I don’t get what’s so funny about Sister Act. Is it because she’s black or something? Is black funny now?” Woods then turned to then-agent Roger Williams and was heard asking “How can I become black?”

James Woods has had a number of small roles since his success in the late eighties and mid nineties, but none compare to the role he played in 2006, when he played himself in the season premier of the hit television show Entourage. The role pushed James’s acting to a new level. “I had to be myself, and I’m an incredibly complex person. I had to really live as myself for a few days to get into the ‘Woods’ mindset. Do you have any idea how much sex I had to have? A lot.”

The sky is the limit for this creative titan. Burn on, James. Burn on. Just don’t ever burn out.

For Inside Celebrities, this is Iron Kyle Irion. Thanks for reading.

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