Archive | September, 2009

So Tired.

10 Sep

You ever get sleepy? You ever get tired? So do murderers.

Reality Check.

Good night.

I Promise.

9 Sep

I promise I’ll write something good and put it  up real soon. Expect something Saturday. Until then, I’m going to keep continuing with short blogs that are a handful of sentences in length.

Just wait. We’ll be a family again.

Let’s All Go Running!

8 Sep

Not really. Don’t be ridiculous. Who would run the factories?

Keep working, workers.

I’m going to go run.

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

7 Sep

HEY! Do you know what Labor Day is?! Fuck no! You have no idea!

The end.

Short blogs are better!

Trump Tower.

7 Sep

Cracked.com now has a thing called “Cracked Topics.” They set up a list of topics and Cracked users can go in and write an article about said topics. You have seven days to write the article, then it goes to someone else. If you finish it in time, the editing staff reads and, if they like it, put it on the front page.
I signed up to write a piece on the Trump Tower, but forgot until thirty minutes before it was due. So I just sat down and effectively shit on the internet. Here’s what I came up with:
Trump Tower.

Trump Tower.

https://i1.wp.com/images.askmen.com/galleries/men/donald-trump/pictures/donald-trump-picture-4.jpg

Protect us, Dark Father.

Just The Facts

  1. Trump Tower exists.
  2. Trump Tower is the lynch pin by which all evil in this world is connected.
  3. Trump Tower is tall.

Built from the bones of his enemies, the Trump Tower stands proudly at the corner of 56th and 5th Avenue. The building houses a number of different businesses, from retail, to offices, to skin-peeling conglomerates. Skin-peeling has been big for this relatively young member of the New York sky line.

There are fifty eight stories in Trump Tower–fifty seven can be reached by elevator or stairs. The fifty eighth is reachable only through blood sacrifice or Stargate. A lot of people die in that building. God, do a lot of people die in that building.

Upon entry to the Tower, patrons are greeted by a twenty foot tall onyx statue of Donald J. Trump, Lord of the Tower. When asked about the statue, Trump was quoted as saying “What statue? Someone else must have put that there, I’m sure.” The reporter then pressed Trump a bit on the matter, stating that nothing of such note could have been added to the Tower without the confirmation of Donald Trump himself. Trump simply looked at the man, put his hand to the man’s right cheek and whispered something into his ear. The reporter put his camera away immediately and went home. The body of this reporter has yet to be found.

At the time of its construction, Trump Tower was the largest building of its kind–the haunted kind. It was also the biggest building in NY to utilize a reinforced-concrete sheer wall/core structure. The shield generator in the building’s basement is also regarded as fairly unique. There’s also the blood fountain.

Residents of the tower’s residential areas report hearing strange creeks and groans coming from the walls, telling them of the various “World Class” amenities. They also claim to have seen various members of the Apprentice cast walking the halls late at night.

Some believe that if Trump himself were to ever perish, the Tower itself would too perish.

When Donald Trump is angry, observers note a distinct “darkness” to the Tower, as if it is absorbing all light around it. Also, when Donald Trump is feeling gassy, some say the Tower looks slightly embarrassed and uncomfortable.

My Time Announcing A Rangers Game

4 Sep

I recently had a once in a lifetime chance: announcing a Texas Rangers baseball game. That’s right: I would be in the press box with the main dudes of Rangers television, Josh Lewin and Tom Grieve. Listen, how I got there isn’t important, OK? Just know that I have a lot of big name friends (friends with impossibly long, ethnic names) and a lot of friends who have a lot of influence in broadcasting. They got me a gig for the night and I’ll be forever grateful.

These were my co hosts:

Josh Lewin.

Josh Lewin.

Tom Grieve

Tom Grieve

September 3, 2009. Final game in the Rangers series vs. The Toronto Maple Leaf Mountie Moose Mike Myers Heads

“Well,” Lewin says, “We’d like to welcome a special guest to the booth tonight, from the internet, ‘Iron’ Kyle Irion. Welcome to the booth, Kyle.” Josh Lewin is a 40-something veteran of broadcasting. He’s balding slightly and he has one of the biggest shit eating grins I’ve ever seen.

“Thanks Fastball, happy to be here.” I say. At this point, most listeners assume I’m calling Lewin “Fastball” as some kind of term of endearment. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had spent the previous fifteen minutes off-air berating Lewin in front of the production staff for wearing sandals while broadcasting. “God damn it, Fastball. We’re on the air. Tighten up.” I write on a napkin and slide the note across the counter.

“Kyle, how does it feel to be up in the box for this game? How long have you been dreaming of this?” Tom Grieve asks.

“Feels good. Oh, I usually try not to dream. Last time I did that, I got a night terror and woke up strangling someone I didn’t know.” There’s about three seconds of complete silence. Grieve, smiling politely, glances back to a producer and then back to me. I’m eating nachos and glaring at Josh Lewin and his god damn Birkenstocks. Tom Grieve is a lot like Lewin but with gray hair. He used to manage the Rangers. I don’t remember him.

“All right, well, here we go, inning number one. The Rangers have moved Andrus to the two spot in the batting lineup tonight, probably because of the injury to star third baseman Michael Young.” Lewin said.

“Yea, Ron Washington was a little resistant to the change, but when asked about it at today’s press conference said he pretty much had no other choice. These next few weeks without Michael Young will probably be tough,” Grieve said. “Kyle, what do you think the key will be for the Rangers to make it through the next few weeks without Young?”

“Well,” Josh Lewin and Tom Grieve sit patiently, waiting for my response. “Michael Young will be sorely missed. It’s always tragic to see a life with so much promise cut so short. We’d all like to send our thoughts and prayers to his loved ones–all of us except Josh Lewin here. He doesn’t believe in God, so to him, Michael Young is worm food.”

More silence. “Oh, that Iron Kyle sure is something–quite a jokester. He’s kidding. Michael Young is only going to be out for a few weeks. Where do you come up with this stuff, Kyle?”

I turn in my seat and stare blankly at Tom Grieve.

“All right, then. Well ladies and gentleman, we are now seeing Elvis Andrus, the new number two batter, at the plate,” Tom Grieve says.

“He’s been a pleasant surprise all season. Hasn’t he?” Lewin responds.

“Absolutely. And it couldn’t of happened to a nicer–oh! A two run homer hits clean! The Rangers go up two to nothing! How about that, Kyle?”

“I love those fireworks.” We all share a brief chuckle. I extend my hands out to both of them so we could have a “moment.” They both pull away. I’m left alone.

Later the broadcast goes to their “Man on the Street” equivalent.

“All right, folks,” Lewin says, “We’re going to go to Knoxy out in the stands. Knoxy, what do you have for us?”

“Oh my god,” I say softly, arms crossed. I look at Tom Grieve. “Now? God, I hate this guy. Hey, Tom, Josh, I’m going to knock out for awhile.” I take out a pillow.

“Where did that pillow come from?”

“The pillow’s not even the weirdest thing. Look at this.” I lift my left arm from under the announcer’s table to reveal a giant barn owl. “Check this guy out.” I set the owl on the table and continue to set up my makeshift bed.

“Hey. Kyle, you can’t do this. Get back on the mic.” Lewin says off-air.

“Be quiet, Lewin. Just shut your damn mouth. I’m a grown up and I want to nap. Every time I watch a Rangers game, I nap. The only difference this time is that instead of falling asleep comfortably on my couch with my owl, I have to fall asleep between two giant, vacuous ass holes.”

“Listen, y–”

“Ass holes so large, so massive, that they actually have a gravitational pull. You are a black hole. Good night.”

I go to sleep and wake up next to my car with a check for $200 from the Texas Rangers Broadcasting Corporation. I try to drive away, but my car won’t start. I open the hood to check it out. My battery is missing. In the vacant battery spot, I find a hand-written note. “You are the worst human being I have ever worked with. Go to hell. -Josh Lewin”

Screenplay of My Life

1 Sep

My life is pretty neat. Take today for example: I woke up, fought off a hangover, chased my cats around the house, and looked for cool stuff in a creek (I found a pair of cut-off overalls. If you ignore the blood stain, they’re actually pretty sweet. I’m wearing them right now.). That’s why it didn’t surprise me when I was approached by an incredibly wealthy Hollywood agent (He owned a convertible. I could tell by the tone of his voice. He totally seemed “top down.”). He wanted to shoot a film based on my life. HE presented me with a screen play written by an up and coming screen writer.

I, of course, leaped at the opportunity to have my own biopic. After a close reading of the first three pages, though, I decided the original screenplay was lacking. If this movie is going to have my name on it, I want it done right. So, I rewrote the screenplay and sent it back to the agent.

“BAGS OF MAGIC: THE KYLE IRION STORY

An original screenplay

by

“Iron” Kyle Irion

ACT I

Scene 1

(Our film opens with a shot of the night sky. Slash is in it, floating. He is playing a wicked guitar solo. Camera lowers onto a shot of a dumpster. An unsuccessfully-aborted baby Kyle exits. Because of his already hard life, baby Kyle has a prominent five o’clock shadow.)

Baby Kyle: (Shakes dirt off. Wipes mouth with back of hand. Baby Kyle is voiced by Clint Eastwood.)

Looks like I got a couple ‘o scores to settle.

(Slash starts to play again, lowering from the sky to stand behind baby Kyle. This startles baby Kyle, because he is only an infant. Baby Kyle starts to cry. His tears are liquid metal. An angry white woman arrives and hits Slash with her purse. Slash flies away.)

White Woman: (With adoration.)

Why look at you. You’re just a scared little baby with a dark and haunted past. Someone needs to love you.

Narrator (James Earl Jones): That was the day I met the woman who would become my mother. Even though she was white and I was obviously of some exotic ethnic origin, maybe Texan, we made it work. She raised me as her own–separately of course, and in the garage, so I didn’t bother her white children. I loved her dearly.

ACT II

Scene 1

(Kyle has just graduated college. He has begun hanging out with a local outcast who is actually a brilliant scientist who is actually Christopher Lloyd. Together, they have found a way to travel through time. They discovered the secret by re-watching old episodes of LOST. They also stole a time machine from the government. Kyle has transported himself back in time to win the Vietnam War for America. Kyle stands in a battlefield in South Vietnam. He is wearing extremely tight camouflage pants. His quads look fantastic.)

Kyle: (One leg hoisted on a pile of bodies, surveying the battle field thoughtfully, seductively.)

Thank you for having me, Vietnam.

(Kyle shoots something off screen. Close-up on Kyles face. He has a beautifully groomed handlebar mustache. )

…I love what you’ve done with the place.

(Explosion. Slash plays another wicked guitar solo. He is playing from beyond the grave. Slash is dead.)

Corporal Spider Man, what’s the word from the front?

(Kyle points at the front of his pants. A studio audience laughs hysterically. Spider Man looks around, confused as to where all that laughter is coming from. He never finds out.)

Corporal Spider Man: (Played by Jonah Hill.)

Things aren’t going well, Kyle. We’ve lost an entire platoon today. This is a nightmare. We just can’t find them. Like literally, we cannot find that platoon. I’m starting to think they’re all dead! The Vietcong just come out of NOWHERE, man!

Kyle:

They are like tiny brown magicians, eh? Always disappearing and reappearing and pulling rabbits out of their hats.

Corporal Spider Man:

Yea, yea, wait what? No, no, they don’t pull rabbits out of their hats, sir.

Kyle:

Maybe.

Corporal Spider Man:

No, they really don’t. (Leaning in close so other soldiers can’t hear) Have you even seen a Vietcong up close?

Kyle:

What? Preposterous. I’ve seen them hundreds of times. Maybe millions. (Standing up straight) I have probably seen a the Vietcong a million times.

Corporal Spider Man:

Really?

Kyle:

Are you questioning a superior? Do you want to be written up for insubordination? (Kyle is very tough.)

Corporal Spider Man:

No…

Kyle:

All right then. Don’t question me again. Go out and find the Vietcong. Just use your Spidey Sense. You should be able to find them in no time. I pulled a lot of strings to get you in my battalion, soldier. Now get to it, eh? Be our hero!

(There’s a moment of unease. Spider Man sighs deeply.)

Corporal Spider Man:

OK, I’m going to be honest with you. I feel that people have grossly overestimated the power of my Spidey Sense. It’s really more closely linked to like, rain and stuff. I can just kind of tell when it’s going to rain.

(Smiles nervously.)

Kyle:

God you are useless. That radioactive spider was such a waste on you. Here, can you like, bite me? Man I would be such a better Spider Man than you. Can you? Can you just bite my hand? Will I get any of your powers? Bite my hand.

(Kyle tries to force his hand into Spider Man’s mouth. Kyle cannot find Spider Man’s mouth because Spider Man is wearing a mask. Kyle accidentally pokes Spider Man in the eye a few times, then gets distracted by a bug and quits.)

Corporal Spider Man, it’s time to call in the secret weapon.

Corporal Spider Man:

You mean you’re going to call in…

Kyle: (Heavy metal music starts.)

Yes. It’s time to call in Commander Jesus.

(Kyle closes his eyes and seems to be thinking really hard.)

Corporal Spider Man:

What’re you doing?

Kyle:

I’m asking God if Jesus is busy answering prayers or whatever and if he isn’t could he maybe help me out. He’s usually pretty free, but you never know in this economy. (Closes eyes again.)

(Just at that moment, a giant Apache helicopter flies in from the north and transforms into a heavily-armored Jesus. Jesus turns and winks at the camera.)

Jesus: (Played by Tom Hanks)

Let there be light.

(Explosions are shown behind Jesus as he walks toward Kyle and Spider Man.)

So. (Rubs hands together) Who could use some Jesus powers?

Kyle:

Time to give these Viet-dongs a baptism by FIRE.

(Kyle and Jesus give each other a brotherly high five. Things are awesome.)

Wow! Man. I wonder what’s going to happen next! Not really. I wrote it, so I know exactly what’s going to happen next. I sent my screen play to my agent to see what he thought. I’ll tell you about that later.


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