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Mailbag 5. Yea.

28 Oct


Hey everybody. Kyle here. If you’re a regular reader, you can skip this and jump right into the article. If you aren’t a regular, that’s OK, nobody’s going to hit you. I’d just like to explain what I’m doing here.

I get a lot of reader e-mails, fan mail, and I’m-going-to-kill-you mail. Every now and then, a reader will ask for my insight on a specific issue. I compile the best of these questions and answer them in a “Mailbag” column. Enjoy.


“U.G.L.Y., you ain’t got no alibi you ugly!” Why do ugly people need an alibi? -Lerin, San Marcos, TX

Lerin, let me show you some pictures.

Adolf Hitler.

Adolf Hitler.

Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber

Theodore Kaczynski, the Unabomber

Timothy McVeigh

Timothy McVeigh

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden

Phil Spector

Phil Spector

See a pattern? They’re all ugly. Practically all of history’s greatest villains are ugly. When police carry out an investigation, they always try to find the ugliest people first. Ugly people commit the most crimes, and are almost always the prime suspect. Thus, ugly people are always asked to provide an alibi when there is a crime nearby.

What historical figure would you be if you could be any figure from history? -Sam, Denton, TX

I’d be myself from the 90’s when I was banging Tiffany Amber Thiesen as well as playing “Wilson” on television’s Home Improvement.

I’ve recently become obsessed with the facebook sim-sensation, Farmville. What advice would you have for a lowely farmer such as myself? Especially in such a turbulent economy. -Jack, Oklahoma City, OK

I’m going to be honest with you, Jack. When I first read this question I wasn’t 100% sure what exactly FarmVille was, so I decided to do some research. I got my own farm. I was one of the 56.1 million FarmVille users. I chose a pre-existing strawberry patch–it was faster and I needed only a cursory understanding of the game. Soon I gained enough experience and neighbors to grow more and more and more.

Soon, I found that I had too many crops to maintain. I wasn’t making as much money as I could. I’d forget to water a crop here or there and I’d come back the next day to find a pile of death. How to solve this problem? Friends. I sent out several gifts to a number of my best friends. When they came to visit me, to thank me, I sent an associate of mine to their home and burned it to the ground. Where were they to go? They were homeless–and I, the only friend they had with crops vast enough to offer them gainful employment. I think you can see where things go from here.

Enslave everyone you know.

What year is this? -Angela, Denton, TX

1996. Act accordingly.

How in the world did Jimmy Fallon get his own TV show? I mean the guy literally got paid to laugh at Will Ferrell on Satuday Night Live for a few years and now he has his own late night show? I just don’t get it. I’m great at laughing at Will Ferrell. Why don’t I get a show? -Nolan, Flowermound, TX

See, Fallon was in Almost Famous. Didn’t remember that, did you? No, you didn’t. I can tell by that stupid look on your face. After Fallon was on Almost Famous, everybody laughed and thought “Wow, he is almost famous. Let’s make him totally famous,” and gave him a gig on late night television.

Either that, or NBC was trying to hold on to the 18-25 demographic for late nights and was attempting to do so by grabbing the most-easily identified young NBC comic they could find.

The Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world to come in 2012. Would now be a good time to start stockpiling food and supplies? Other than the obvious, what should I stock up on? -Lanny, Denton, TX

The Mayan calendar predicts that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Well, it kind of predicts it. The central texts of the Mayan culture are mainly historical and don’t offer a whole lot of prophecy. However, in the ruins of Tortugero, there are inscriptions that reference the year 2012 as the end of the age. Scary shit.

Although there is a staggeringly high amount of scientific evidence that bunks this theory, there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. In a way, Lanny, you’re launching a pre-emptive strike on the end of the world. That’s huge. Here’s a list of things (other than food, water, and shelter) that you’ll need:

  1. Guns: Although ultimately guns are a finite source of security and food procurement, they’ll come in handy big time in the early years when there are still all those pesky humans still running around. People are bat shit crazy when they think their lives are in danger, and they are way, way less likely to stab/shoot/steal from you if they’re dead.
  2. Ammunition: Crap, I forgot. Guns suck without this.
  3. An abundance of non-perishable food items: Like the guns, these are also finite, but they’ll buy you enough time to utilize the next item on the list.
  4. Seeds: Grow your own vegetables. Learn how to do it first. That’s important, because nothing stinks more than watering a portion of dirt for weeks on end to no avail. Ah, wait. Yea, something does suck more: being one of the only survivors of a devastating apocalypse. Being a lone survivor  of something like that can be really stressful. That’s why some of those seeds should be used to grow:
  5. Weed. Lots and lots of weed.

Enjoy oblivion, you poor motherfucker.

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