Archive | 11:14 pm


3 Nov

“What the hell is Paper Darts?” You ask, sitting at your computer. You’re frustrated because this is the site you usually masturbate to, and now you’re confused and completely unaroused.

Paper Darts is an online (for now) literary magazine based in Minneapolis,” a voice says from your computer. It’s me. I’m talking to you.

“How are you talking to me?” You ask. You begin to become aroused again.

“It’s not important (It’s actually very important.). Every so often Paper Darts has something they call “Flash Fiction,” where they ask writers to post a short story on their facebook wall, dealing with a pre-determined prompt or key-word. The thing is it has to be under 1,000 characters. That’s the most facebook will allow.”

“Keep talking,” you say, masturbating furiously. I’m not 100% sure you’re listening anymore. I continue.

“This month’s prompt is ‘frying pan.'” I hear a sound of disappointment come from you. “I mean sexy frying pan.”

Below is my submission to Paper Darts‘s “Flash Fiction” contest.


I was sitting in my room and this Frying Pan came in.

“Frying Pan!” I said.

“Hey,” said Frying Pan. Something about Frying Pan seemed off.

“Frying Pan, are you,” I paused to fart. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t think so. LOOK!” I looked. On its Pan face was a single white line where its revolutionary non-stick Teflon coating had been scraped clean off.

“Jesus!” I said.

“Where?!” Asked Frying Pan, looking around for Jesus.

“Oh, he’s not here. I was using that as an exclamation.”

“Oh,” It said, crestfallen.

“But I’m here! I can help!” I say.

“What can YOU do?” It asked.

“I can find who did this to you and make them pay!” I said.

“Yea?” Frying Pan was looking up at me I think. Frying pans don’t have eyes or faces, and if yours does, you need to stop using it or return it to Stephen King.

“Yea, I can help.” I said, placing my hand on it’s little metal head/top/northernmost point.

“Please don’t touch my breasts,” Frying Pan said. I jerked my hand away. Silence.

Then things got weird.


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