My Open Letter to the Zombie Race

23 Nov

Dear Zombies,

How are you? Things seem to be booming for you recently. That’s great. I’m excited for you.

Zombies, does it ever hurt your feelings to think about America’s obsession with blowing you up? Here’s a list of some zombie-murder-related media I culled up by typing “Zombies” into my brain.

  1. Left 4 Dead
  2. Left 4 Dead 2
  3. Dead Rising
  4. Dead Rising 2
  5. Nazi Zombies (Call of Duty Of-shoot)
  6. 28 Days Later
  7. 28 Weeks Later
  8. ZombieLand
  9. Day of the Dead
  10. Resident Evil (Games and movies)
  11. The Devil Wears Prada [Editor’s Note: There are no zombies in that film, Kyle.] [Kyle’s Note: You watch that one scene where Glenn Close eats that kid’s brain and then come talk to me.] [Editor’s Note: What? There’s nothing like that in that movie!] [Kyle’s Note: Whatever. I can’t remember anymore.]

That’s eleven just off the top of my head, and I’m culture-dumb. There are countless more examples of zombie-death glorification entertainment if one would only seek them out. Does this hurt your feelings? I remember when “Kyle-Murder 64” came out a few years ago. I was heart broken.

How am I supposed to react to this?

How am I supposed to react to this?

And I still have nightmares about that movie they made about me.

So believe me, Zombies. I know how it goes–having people constantly fantasizing about killing you. Here are some more people who also know what that’s like:

  1. O.J. Simpson
  2. Osama bin Laden
  3. The Geico Cavemen (Remind me to write an open letter to them, requesting their removal from the physical world.)
  4. Bill Belichick
  5. The entire cast of The Hills

My throat hurts. Crap. Is this how being a zombie starts? I’m not sure. If I do become a zombie, do you guys want to hang out? There seems to be such a strong sense of community between all of you. I never really see a zombie by himself or herself…or itself. Wait, do ya’ll still bone? If you do, tell me. That sounds hot. I think we could do something with that (zombiesex.com…Purcha$ed.).

I’m doing pretty well, myself, in case you were wondering. I have to go now. I hope afterlife is treating you well.

Hey, one more question. Are you guys dead or alive? What does undead really man anyway?

LOVE YOU!

-Kyle

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