9 Dec

Something is definitely off. Something feels distinctly wrong. But what?

I look around the class room I’m tutoring in. What could it be? A touch of cold air brushes my back with an eerily powerful depth of sensation, like an icy finger running against my spine. Slowly I turn and whisper to myself, enunciating each word with the delicate and deliberate care of a man in deep, fearful angst.

“What the fuck was that fucking shitty ass cold air shit?” What indeed.

The source of this unease soon made itself apparent or, should I say, himself apparent. Him.

Yes. Him.

“Balls…” I whisper.

“Balls…” Edward whispers.

“Balls!” Rodrigo Salizar yells from across the room.

“Shut up and get back to work on that crossword puzzle, Rodrigo! Jesus Christ!”

Edward’s eyes are as cold as ice but as welcoming as the warmest of holiday fires. His shirt is as tight as a runner’s buttocks and his skin the faintly cerulean color of a sock that got washed with a load of blue clothes. Maybe a shirt much like the one he’s wearing. Maybe a shirt like the one I am wearing. I look down to my shirt. It’s red. Never mind the part about my shirt. My shirt would have been more appropriate for this guy’s skin.

I approach Edward, waves of restrained passion exuding every inch of his frame–like tendrils of creepy-vampire-hotness reaching out, pulling me toward him, yet still pushing me away. The feeling made me want to hurl. I did.

“Excuse me…” I say, wiping spittle from my chin.

“Yes?” Edward says, averting his gaze.

Jesus, will you fucking look at me?

“Are you…” I pause, trying to collect myself. “Are you in this class?”

“Yes…” Edward says, still only showing me the crest of his forehead, staring blankly at the table.

I then hear the door knob click and turn to see who’s entering. It’s her.

“Bella!” I yell.

“Bella!” Edward yells, getting to his feet. All the other children have stopped working and are now looking at the tutor and the two students who look kind of older than the tutor.

“What–uh, what–ugh!” Bella says, running her hand through her hair.

“Bella, you don’t–” Edward reaches out to her. She pulls back. Not to be left out, I pull back too. I trip over a desk and knock a student’s work to the ground. Bella scrunches her brow, which I will later understand means she’s about to make talk-words.

“No, look I–what if–I–you can’t–meh!” Edward looks hurt. I look from Edward–to Bella–then back to Edward.

“Wait, do you–do you understand what she’s saying?” I ask.

“I never really have to say anything. I just hold out my hand, say ‘no,’ or ‘you don’t have to,’ then unzip my pants and get to screwin’.”

“That’s terrible,” I say. “If she has this much difficulty speaking, she could be retarded. I mean she could have some serious mental illness.” Edward purses his lips and lowers his head, once again averting his gaze from my own. “That isn’t a response, Edward. Edward!” He just rolls his head around and tries his weird puppy dog thing on me. A chilling gust envelopes me and I’m filled with anxiety and frustration. “That’s it,” I say, and reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone.

“No cell phones, Mr. Kyle! Put that thing away!” Rodrigo yells, pointing. I turn and slap Rodrigo across the face. He’s unconscious. I speed dial #3.

Into the phone, I plead. “Can you please come help me? It’s that Edward Cullen guy. Yea. Yea. Yea he is really dreamy. Oh god, I know, his eyes are like two pools of some magical liquid that can reflect all of my most hidden and true desires. What? No, I’m not–I’m–stop laughing. Yea, I like Queen, what does that have to do with anyth–okay, this conversation’s over. Just get here.”

“You’ll be okay, Bella,” Edward says, taking her face in his hand. Bella looks up to Edward, her face vacant. I think there’s some Oreo in the corner of her mouth.

“Bella, do you have a piece of paper with your mom or dad’s phone number on it?” I ask.

“What? My parents? But–They don’t–Edward–” She runs her hand through her hair again and shakes her head, looking at nothing in particular.

“Why can’t any of you make eye contact with anybody? Bella, I think you should come with me.” I hold out my hand to no reaction. I scramble for a solution. “Okay, Bella, look!” I remove a piece of candy from a student’s desk. The student protests for a moment, but remembering Rodrigo, stops. Bella runs to me and I hand her the candy bar. Edward stands in the background, furious. He steps forward, fists clenched. I think he actually hisses at me for a second. Believing this to be way too  strange or pathetic to have actually happened, I write it off as post-mortem flatulence. Then he does it again.”Did you just hiss at me?” He nods solemnly. “Do you think that scares people?” He nods again, but with more trepidation than before. “To be honest, that just kind of pisses me off. Kind of makes me want to fight you more.”

Undeterred, Edward maintains a fighting stance and utters “She’s going home with me.”

“I don’t think so,” I respond, pointing to the door behind Edward, which now stands open. “Looks like my guest arrived.” An arrow is fired from a crossbow and finds its home in the half-living heart of Edward Cullen. A gurgling sound escapes his throat as he falls to the ground, transforms into Lady Gaga, then vanishes into ash. I tip my hat to my friend. “Thanks, Buffy.”

“You got it. Should I take her home?”

“As long as you promise not to fall in love with her,” I say, winking. Bella has fallen asleep on the ground.

“I won’t fall in love with her, I promise. I still only have one love.” She leans close to me, then pulls out a wrinkled picture of the Hamburglar. Confused, uncomfortable, and now a little hungry, I allow her to pick up Bella and leave the school.

As they walked out the doors and into the winter chill, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d done the right thing. Then Bella drooled from over Buffy’s shoulder and I knew I had.

The End.

2 Responses to “Kylelight”

  1. Michelle C December 10, 2009 at 1:45 pm #

    I’m almost literally rolling on the floor laughing.

    Just as the guffaws finally dwindle into tired chuckles, I think “talk-words” and it starts all over again!


  1. My Favorite Posts of 2009 « Eat This, Internet. - December 31, 2009

    […] Kylelight- I love being able to touch on a subject that a lot of people can get a kick out of. Twilight […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: