Twas the Night Before Christmas–Iron Kyle Edition

20 Dec

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through my room

My friend Sam rolled around stirring, ’cause he ate a shroom.

My stockings were hung from his package with care

In hopes that I’d notice, and reach my hand down there.

Our friends were all nestled, warm in their beds

Visions of their friend Kyle dancing in their heads.

And Sam in his dick-sock, and I in my cloak

Had just set the bath for a totally straight Christmas soak.

When out from the lawn, there arose such a clatter

I looked at Sam, afraid, and he asked, “What’s the matter?”

Away to the window, I flew like a flash,

Nothing but moon light covering my ass.

Squinting through fragments of glimmering street light

I thought I saw something moving, grumbling in the night.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

Wesley had struck a parked car. He reeked of cheap beer.

“Where are your pants?” Wesley asked, in a rage.

“You don’t have to wear pants,” I said, “Not when you’re our age.”

Wesley began to undress, and I regretted my lie.

“Don’t act like you’re not jealous,” Wes said, “Don’t even try.”

We examine the damage, the damage was great.

“Death and damnation,” said Wesley, “That’s my van’s fate.”

Just at that moment, a new pair of head lights, twinkling and bright

Made their appearance in our Christmas night.

Derek came bounding out of his Saturn, ecstatic and enthused

Looking as an elf and heroin addict, fused.

“I just found a gun, and I think we should shoot it.”

“I just don’t know,” I said. “Let’s think a-boot it.”

“We can shoot it at graves, and things that don’t move,

We can shoot it at raccoons, rats, and things with hooves.”

Wesley reached out with his hand, and swiped the gun away.

“You can have this back when you’re not such a fucking weirdo,” he did say.

Derek struggled and whimpered and put up a fight,

But Wesley silenced him with a jaw-knocking right.

Things had gotten violent and a bit out of hand, so Sam decided to speak

“We shouldn’t be fighting. Holiday fun we should seek.”

We knew he he was right, his logic was sound.

No smiles could be found, no spirit around.

Derek began to cry, Wes started drinking.

I became worried; my Christmas was sinking.

Then who would come forth, but old St. Nick!

“Santa!” Sam said, pulling the sock from his dick.

Santa did a double take, then greeted us heartily.

Wesley finished off his 40 and threw it away, fartily.

Santa’s face was round and jolly

From his belt hung wreaths of holly.

He offered us presents, and treats from his sack.

“That’s what I thought!” I said. “It’s presents we lack!”

Santa gave us all gifts, he gave us all fun.

“Man I love presents!” Sam said. “Christmas is number one!”

We all hugged each other. We all were so happy.

Our Christmas was saved, and no longer crappy.

Merry Christmas

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One Response to “Twas the Night Before Christmas–Iron Kyle Edition”

  1. Rolf December 20, 2009 at 11:49 pm #

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas
    and Atticus said it was the hottest night Maycomb’s had yet,
    so we shot Jem.

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