My Screenplay for Sherlock Holmes 2

30 Dec

[Scene opens with Holmes, played by Kyle Irion, sitting in a large, cushioned, leather chair. His right leg is crossed over his left. He is smoking a pipe. There is weed in the pipe. Holmes is high as balls.]

(Enter Watson, played by Zach Galifianakis)

Watson:

Holmes! Holmes! There’s been a MURDER!

(Watson looks concerned. Holmes looks asleep. Holmes has fallen asleep.)

Holmes! Wake up!

Holmes: (Waking up, startled.)

What then? Bally hoo! (Accent begins to transform from British to an overly exaggerated Australian.)

I was asleep on the barbee. You know then, Watson. One begins with a bit of the devil grass and then you end up with that old moosha moosha. (Accent is now a horrifically inaccurate Swedish. The sound can be likened to the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.)

Watson: (Steps back, surprise quickly changing to concern.)

Holmes, are you feeling all right?

Holmes: (Once again British)

Why yes, dear Watson, absolutely flibble. (Holmes is making up words.) I feel as healthy as an ox. Now, tell me of the details of this murder.

Watson:

Well, Lord Vandermill, a businessman and well-respected member of parliament, was found dead this morning with a large, metal stake driven through his heart. They believe the murder was political.

Holmes: (Now wearing Iron Man armor.)

I guess Lord Vandermill won’t be up for re-election any time soon. (Holmes breaks very basic film and television rule and looks directly into the camera, winking. Director can be heard telling him to stop because he’s embarrassing himself.)

(Watson, now played by former presidential candidate Ron Paul, nods politely at Holmes’ joke.)

Watson, take this down. Take a note. Note this. “Sherlock Holmes to take on new mystery. Sherlock Holmes to wear snappy new hat.” Then tell them what my hat looks like. (Holmes is wearing Green Bay Packers Cheese Head with several feathers attached. A picture of “Lost” cast-member Matthew Fox is taped to the front.) I’ll continue. “Sherlock Holmes vows to find politicians’ murderer. Says that if he cannot, he will sacrifice his dearest friend, Watson, to the prison system in lieu for the missing murderer.”

Watson: (Stops writing, looks at Holmes incredulously.)

What is the meaning of this? Why are you sending me to prison instead? Why even make a promise like that?

Holmes:

Well, you see Watson, you–

Watson:

Why am I writing this down in the first place? Who am I supposed to give this to?

Holmes:

Oh you’ll see. You’ll see. (Holmes turns and winks at camera. As camera cuts away, Director can be heard screaming, angrily.)

[Holmes and Watson now walk through a crowded London street. Ebenezer Scrooge is there. So is Doctor Who. Mr. Bean sells them a bagel. After a brief musical number about England, tea, or rain or whatever, Holmes and Watson reach Lord Vandermill’s estate. Vandermill’s body is still resting on his desk, metal stake lodged in his chest. Holmes moves Vandermill’s hands so they rest behind his head.]

Holmes:

There. Now he looks more comfortable.

Watson: (Now played by Hugh Laurie because Ron Paul decided to go and die.)

Sir, perhaps we shouldn’t disturb the crime scene. (Moves hands back to original position. Inspector LeStrade enters.)

Lestrade:

Dr. Watson, please don’t disturb the body. (Moves hands back behind Vandermill’s head.) You should know better than that. (Turning to address Holmes.) Any clues?

Holmes:

Only one. On Vandermill’s coat. A very faint hand print. A hand print made of flour. Baker’s flour.

Lestrade:

So old man Tilbolt, the baker down the street must have some involvement?

Holmes:

Perhaps. Vandermill was on the cusp of pushing a bill through parliament that would have raised the price of domestically produced flour by two sheckles a gallon. (Watson and LeStrade look to each other, both knowing these quantities are completely inaccurate. Holmes is, at times, a fantastic idiot.)

Watson: (To LeStrade)

Holmes is, at times, a fantastic idiot.

Holmes:

I heard that.

(Watson looks directly at Holmes, unfazed, and leaves the office. Holmes follows after.)

[At old man Tilbolt’s bakery]

Holmes:

You’ve been caught white handed, Tilbolt.

Tilbolt:

(Stupidly, like a stupid peasant.) Caught at what, my lord?

Holmes:

The murder of Lord Vandermill! Admit it. It’s too late now.

Tilbolt:

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been here all day. I slept here last night because I’ve lost several barrels of my flour to thieves who come here in the night. Mos’ likely because of fear of the new law Lord Vandermill is proposin’ in parliament.

Watson: (Whispering to Holmes)

That means Vandermill could have been murdered by one of the flour thieves!

Holmes:

What? Really? (Sighs heavily, head hanging low.) Jesus. Okay, we’ll be back later, Tilbolt. Please, please don’t kill anybody. Please. I don’t know if I could handle doing another stupid investigation.

[Montage of Holmes and Watson investigating the murder through a series of cunning scientific and deductive techniques. Holmes is so smart. He’s awesome. Three or four times during the montage, Watson turns to Holmes and can be seen mouthing “You are so awesome.” Holmes and Watson shake down a number of possible thieves before ending up back at Vandermills home’s personal bakery.]

Holmes: (Now speaking to Vandermill’s personal baker, Frontworth]

So, Frontworth. I see that some of your barrels don’t quite match.

Frontworth:

How so?

(Closeup reveals beads of sweat forming on Frontworths brow. Use brow-double. Frontworth is ugly. Antonio Banderas’ brow is shown.)

Holmes:

Well, some of them are contained in fine, well constructed barrels, like the flour that would be purchased by a Lord, from the finest reaches of the globe.

(Briefly surveys the barrels)

But these others, they seem shoddy, common–like the barrels you’d find in a regular old bakery. The very same bakery they were stolen from. The flour from which was on your hands when you–

(Frontworth totally loses it. Goes bat shit crazy. Frontworth pulls out a roller and tries to strike Holmes with it. Holmes ducks and Watson hits Frontworth on the head with his cane. LeStrade enters.]

Lestrade:

Well Holmes, it seems you’ve solved the murder with impossible logic, extraordinary cunning, and barrels and barrels of pseudo-erotic hand gestures.

Holmes:

Oops, I did it again. (Holmes looks into camera as Britney Spears’ “Oops I Did it Again” begins to play. Winks at camera. Directors megaphone is briefly seen coming from behind the camera when credits roll.)

The End.

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