Cold.

8 Jan

It is so cold. I am so cold. It is so cold outside that yesterday, at sunrise, I could actually hear the son say “Holy god,” then just turn around and set again. It was another half hour before the sun came back, and when it did, it was wearing a taboggan.

My car has been frozen every morning this week. I’ve resorted to turning it on for ten or so minutes before it’s time to go, then coming out and getting in to drive to work. What do you think my car’s doing while I’m inside my house, watching Today and **joke**? It’s waiting. It’s out there waiting for me. Like some big metal idiot. Other cars drive by, happy with their owners–not mine, though. Mine’s that kid that, while the rest of the soccer team is climbing into their parents’ vehicles, waves off all offers for a ride home because his or her mom is “on the way, don’t worry.” Knowing that I’m doing that to my car fills me with grief.

It’s so cold that my testicles have all but vanished, leaving a sign below my penis that reads “BBL. Too cold. Tryina save sum sperm.”

Yesterday, when I left my house to go to work, it was so cold that the birds were no longer chirping as they usually do. Instead, they were simply sitting in the trees and bitching about how cold it is. The madman that lives in the creek by my house was doing the same. “Old Jiggers is cold,” he would scream, “I need a human to sleep in.” What a kidder.

I haven’t seen my neighbor since yesterday.

Oh wait, yea I did. Jiggers was sleeping in him this morning.

It’s really cold.

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2 Responses to “Cold.”

  1. Mrs. Rodriguez January 8, 2010 at 4:55 pm #

    I’m glad you decided to finally warm the car old sport.

    • Kyle Irion January 9, 2010 at 1:16 am #

      Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee too. I’m glad to have entertained you on this lovely, lovely friday afternoon/evening/morning/whenever you read this damn thing.

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