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Movie Review of a Film I Haven’t Seen: Avatar

11 Jan

Hey, have you seen Avatar? Damn it. You have, haven’t you? I can tell by that stupid, guilty, blue-skinned look on your face. I don’t hold it against you–Avatar is the second-highest grossing film of all time and it’s weeks away from being pulled from theaters. There must be some reason that so many people have paid to see it.

I, however, have not see Avatar. I just haven’t had time, and what’s worse is, every day that goes by, more and more of my friends go and see it, limiting my pool of people to see it with. I’ll probably end up going some day by myself to the crappy theater down the street. I’ll bring a bar-b-que sandwich, wear some sweatpants, and laugh obnoxiously loud at whatever the hell I want because you know what? I’m watching a movie alone and that’s pretty damn depressing, so I’m going to do whatever I can to cheer myself up.

Changing gears a bit, I feel that since this movie is so prominent in most people’s entertainment-radar, I should say something about it. I should wrap my big, bloggy arms around my readers and carry them to Movie Town City. [Editor’s Note: What the hell does that mean? Please let me delete that.] [Kyle’s Note: Like you deleted your wiener? Lol. Eat me.] [Editor’s Note: I never deleted my genitals and you’re a child.]

All my interaction with Avatar has been through trailers and pictures yielded from a Google™ image search of the words “Avatar,” “James Cameron,” and “Blue people,” so I’ll have to gather whatever basis is required for my review from those.

This guy is real. This is a real guy. His name is Paul Karason and he has a medical condition that makes his skin blue. This is real.

First, I’ll watch a few trailers.


[Cut to montage of Kyle watching Avatar trailers over and over again. Mix in videos of Michael Cera with the cast of Jersey Shore.]

Here are some reviews:

“Riveting.” – Kyle Irion, Kyle at the Movies

“Fantastic.” – Kyle Irion, IronKyle Entertainment, Youtube Division

“The best seven minutes of my life.” – Kyle Irion,

The film (trailer) opens with Corporal Jake Sully (played by Sam Worthington) being propositioned by some senior military officials for an opportunity to “make a fresh start on a new world”–that he’d be “making a difference.” And as we all know, any time someone in a trailer says “make a difference” they actually mean “do something despicable to someone else.” Sully’s character is an idealist–this much is made clear, and it’s easy to see where the lines will be drawn against his morality.

Watching Sam Worthington’s character is kind of comforting, because it reminds me of his last movie, Terminator: Salvation and, more importantly, that I’m not watching that film.

Corporal Sully, along with a team of experts and a small army of Marines, is sent to the planet Pandora to do get some rocks or something–whatever. The planet is inhabited by a strangely attractive people called the Na’vi. They’re all super tall, blue, and ripped as all-get-out.

The fight for Pandora seems fairly one-sided; humanity is sporting exo-skeletons and tanks while the Na’vi are utilizing weapons that mix the American Indian and the Ewok–bows, arrows, spears, and lots of rope ladders. The battles are gripping: involving a lot of jumping and close ups and gritted teeth and a guy with scars on his face.

So many scars.

The special effects for this movie are incredible. At one point, I was sitting there, watching the trailer (like a boss), and when the alien planet of Pandora appeared on the screen, for a moment I thought it was real. I thought that that stuff was real. Am I an idiot? No, surely not. I read books. I’m simply a human with eyeballs. Eyeballs that can see shit. And the shit that was on my screen was flipping fantastic. There was shit all over my screen.

Beneath all the explosions, powerful score, and David vs. Goliath conflict is a love story that is believable and touching. Sully (in his Avatar) is quite a looker to the young female Na’vi, Neytiri.

“Mmm,” Neytiri says when she sees Avatar Sully.

Then later, I’m guessing:

“I might just want to be friends,” Neytiri says when she sees wheel chair Sully.

I don’t know if they actually fall in love or not. Sully isn’t permanently a Na’vi from what I understand, and the thought of a paraplegic making love to a gigantic blue amazon, who dwarfs him in practically every way, makes me a bit uneasy.

And horny.

I can’t wait to see this movie.

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