The Whiskey Kyle Letters, Part 2

18 Jan

Following is a series of correspondence between myself and my intoxicated alter-ego, Whiskey Kyle. A previously documented account of this can be found here.


Dear Whiskey Kyle,

How are you? Well, I hope. From your last letters, though, I have reason to believe that my hopes for your continued growth and maturity may not come to fruition. Was I correct when I read that you, while at full force, tried to convince your friend Derek to let you “cut him open and sleep inside him like a big friendly sleeping bag”? That’s a horrible idea, Whiskey Kyle. I’m afraid that you’re getting dangerously close to murder.

Have you murdered someone?

Your friend,



Hey ikkkyLe,

LIshen. Lishen tu me. Youi are not muyh dad. I did kill some;one.



Whiskey Kyle


Whiskey Kyle,

This isn’t a joke, Whiskey Kyle. You can’t kill people, do you understand? You just can’t. It’s illegal and wrong. Being wasted doesn’t mean you are outside the law. It doesn’t make you an endearing free spirit either, in case that’s what you were thinking. It just makes you a criminal. A foul-smelling, bloated, grotesquely intoxicated criminal.

Why do girls keep kissing you?

Your friend,



Dear Fuck Yuo,

Hello, Fukc yOU! Thass your name. I püt a sleeppy hiomeless man in a ;ditch by FUddrucker’s. I made him sle3py bi h;tting him with a board. Why dooes that make thm so sleep? LOL.LIKE SOMUCH BLO0D!!!

Ann another thing. I’m real go0d lookin, so why wou;lldn’t igrls want 2 kisS me?

I am G0()d looking, rite?




Eat some poop,

Whiskey Kyle


Whiskey Kyle,

Okay, Whiskey Kyle. I can’t be serious enough about this next part, and I need you to respond with equal seriousness: Did you really kill a homeless man with a board and leave him in a ditch by Fuddrucker’s? And if you did, did you leave any trace of your identity behind?

Do not go back to the body. Not for now. You and a dead body can most adequately be described as a “severe liability.” Just you knowing that there’s a corpse you can tamper with is a severe liability.

And yes, you’re very good looking, but you’re abrasive, impetuous, and prone to binge eating. Women don’t like these things. They also don’t think it makes you look classy when you take off your hoodie and tie it around your shoulders. It doesn’t give you near the “country club” look that you claim you’re going for. It just makes you look like a douche.

But back to the first thing. Did you kill someone? Don’t joke about this.

Your friend,




Don wurry i took ThaT old bag of bones and dresssed him up as mE–I eeven gave hm our ID to be authenTick. NOw the cops won’t geT us because they’ll tHink thaat the homel3ss man is me and everyb8dy knowws you cn’t kill urself.

Smaarter than u think,

Whiskey Kyle


Whiskey Kyle,

You idiot. You’ve destroyed us.


3 Responses to “The Whiskey Kyle Letters, Part 2”

  1. "lauren" January 18, 2010 at 8:34 pm #

    Ooooohh whiskey kyle’s letters… They are my absoulte favorite.
    Sober Kyle is kind of a dick though- really judgemental.
    Oh well, I suppose it does not matter anyway, you both are most definately going to jail for murder anyway.

    Keep a grip on the soap
    ….or don’t – I’m not judging.

    – Lauren

    • Kyle Irion January 18, 2010 at 11:17 pm #

      Sober Kyle is just looking out for the safety of Whiskey Kyle and the his own safety. Sober Kyle is a good man. A good man.

  2. Pat January 18, 2010 at 9:27 pm #

    HA! I think the sweater/sweatshirt around your shoulders give you “The Audacity to Hope” look.


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