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Lessons on Love

2 Feb

Love is a tricky, fickle, vaporous bitch. It’s also one of the most fantastic and wondrous pieces the human experience has to offer; for this reason, people spend copious amounts of time and money in search of it.

I’ve been in love a few times, and I’ve been loved a few times. I’ve even loved myself a few times (Court case pending). I have experience. I have the knowledge. I have the advice. I’m going to break down some of the things I think about love and relationships for you in hopes that you can learn and grow as a human thing through use of my brain words. Heeding or ignoring the following can be the difference-maker in whether you spend Valentine’s Day lovingly running your hand through your lovers’ vagina or sitting in your room watching re-runs of LOST, occasionally looking into the mirror to see if you can furrow your brow like Sawyer.

You can't.

1. You cannot love someone into loving you.

How many of us have, after spending a butt-ton of dollars on a gift, or singing a song (most likely not very well), or writing a beautiful letter to someone we care about, have had to stand baffled and dismayed as our love was once again dismissed? Probably most of us. If you’re reading this blog (MAXIM’S #1 Blog for the Widowed and Alone!), you’ve probably fruitlessly poured your heart out to someone at some point in your life.

Think about it this way. If a one-eyed Rosie O’ Donnell with twice the abrasiveness, half the humor, and three times the weight attempted to win your love, was there anything she could do to make you love her? No. No. Don’t even try to be funny. There’s nothing she could do. You want to know why? Because kind deeds and beautiful words are meaningless unless they come from someone we have mutual sentiments for. Without those sentiments they’re just deeds.

That is to say, unless you make an all Pearl Jam and Andrea Bocelli mix CD and deliver it in a puppy’s collar on the third anniversary of your first date. Then you better damn get a kiss on the cheek or a gentle tug or something. If you don’t get that, the person’s a loon. Get out of there.

2. Don’t confuse physical attraction for emotional attraction.

This happens all the time–a couple starts dating, there’s all this excitement and newness, and they jump right into the physical stuff–just to make it all oh-so-perfect. Well, the problem with that is that when you get down to business so soon, the physical attraction can act as a temporary (keyword: temporary) space-filler for the emotional gaps that may exist between you and your significant other. Here’s an anecdote from my life:

I hadn’t been seeing this girl for very long, probably about twenty or so minutes. It was fantastic. Our conversation was electric. The passion between us was almost palpable. Every moment was to be a memory.

“Hey,” I whispered into her ear, my hand gently stroking her own. Fire was in the air when we touched.

“Hey,” she whispered back. I really wished she had something more original instead of just taking what I said, but her ass was fantastic, so I forgave her immediately.

“Would you like to,” I lift my hand to her cheek and gently run my knuckles against its soft surface, “Would you like to bang?”

We banged.

After coitus, she lay in my arms, like a fallen angel with a now kind of ugly hair-do and nasally voice that I can’t handle for more than a few sentences at a time. Because I care so much for her, I feign going to sleep so that she doesn’t have to hear me grind my teeth as her weedeater-like voice tells me for the third time how visionary and life-changing Lady Gaga’s music is.

I wake up early that morning, look at her, and she looks at me.

“Hey, I gotta go,” she says. “My dog needs a ride to work.”

“Wait, what?” I ask as she gets to her feet.

“My friend. I have to take my friend to the groomer,” she says, getting dressed and gathering her things.

“You’re not making any sense,” I say. “What’s happening here? Are you breaking up with me?”

In the next moment, my world was turned upside down–upside down for roughly three or four minutes–however long it took me to turn on Today and laugh at Al Roker’s amusing weather-related puns.

“Listen, you’re really great, but I have to go. This has been really nice–but I don’t think it can’t go any further. Goodbye”

I didn’t hear the last part. I had found a plastic indian in my sheets and was making him run along the headboard of my bed. “All right,” I say absently. “Take care.” I make the sound of a tiny battle cry and the indian jumps to my pillow.

She leaves, the door shuts and I never see her again

So there you have it. This blog–this blog is your ticket to romantic bliss. Congratulations. Now go make me some grand-babies.

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