Whiskey Kyle Letters: The Whiskey Kyle Story

12 Apr

The following is a correspondence between Whiskey Kyle, the alcohol-fueled alter-ego of Sober Kyle, and Sober Kyle himself.

——-

Dearest Whiskey Kyle,

Hello. It has been some time since we have conversed. How have you been? I heard you had quite a weekend. I hope you played it safe–no need to put oneself into unnecessary danger in order to experience a few laughs and some good times. I’ve been well. I’ve been working and writing and trying to stay in shape as much as I can. Our love of sweets doesn’t help though, does it? Please let me know how you’ve been.

Yours always,

Sober Kyle

STUPID KYLE,

What’s chiLd support? What’s bActerial meENingitis?

I hate you,

Whiskey Kyle.

Dearest Whiskey Kyle,

Why are you asking about child support? Did you father a child, my burden of perpetual body odor? Child support is money that you are legally required to pay the mother of your child. I cannot stress the seriousness of the situation if you by some incredible miracle made a child with a woman and now owe child support payments. I pray that this is not a problem you have been keeping from me for long. Please respond as quickly as possible.

Yours always,

Sober Kyle

Ssss Kyle,

Don’t wROry. It’s gonna b OK. she says it’s my BaBy but I knoW it isN’t.

It isn’t tall enough adn it’s black.

StiLl waitiNg for answer on BacterIal meningItis.

In lots of pain,

Whiskey Kyle

Whiskey Kyle,

If the infant seems to have some African-American descent from the father’s side, it definitely cannot be yours. Crisis averted. Bacterial meningitis is an extremely serious medical condition. I need you to tell me your symptoms so we can decide if you need to go the hospital or not.

Yours,

Sober Kyle

DeaR Mr. Bryant,

I loVe the way you plaY basketball. You”re so good. R U betTer than my Dad? I think when you played wiTh Shaq itWas better.

Can I live with youU?

Sincerelly,

Whiskey Kyle

Whiskey Kyle,

It seems you’ve sent me a letter that you meant to send to Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant. I can only assume that you mailed Mr. Bryant the letter that should have been sent to me. Please rewrite your response. I’ll repeat my previous request. I need a list of your symptoms so I can decide what kind of danger you’re in. Time is wasting, Whiskey Kyle.

Please hurry,

Sober Kyle

Spber Kyle,

Please fowrard my letter to kobe Bryant. im probably dying.

CAN’T SEE COLORS,

Whiskey KYkele

Whiskey Kyle,

Please. Please, please, please. I am begging you to for once take something as seriously as you take drinking that swill you fill your body with every night. A life hangs in the balance. Bacterial meningitis can kill you. I fear that the time this letter reaches you, it may be too late. Please seek medical attention.

Yours,

Sober Kyle

DeAR roBoCop,

heY! Howdju fit that Gun in UR LEG?!

Did THat hurt?

ur Friend,

Whiskey Kyle

Whiskey Kyle,

Try not to die where anybody can smell you.

Yours,

Sober Kyle.

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