Wedding Bells Are A-Ringin’

28 Apr

My friends Lanny and Angela got married this past weekend. I liveblogged the entire experience.

10:18 am:

I wake up with a massive headache. I decided to use the rehearsal dinner to have a rehearsal hangover for the day after the wedding. Great success.

10:22 am:

This is bad. I briefly consider asking Lanny to postpone the wedding until I can open my eyes again.

10:25 am:

I remember that I left Derek outside the night before with no water. I get out of bed and let him in.

“Thanks man. I was scared.”

“Scared?”

“Raccoons are scary.”

I nod solemnly. I notice a small raccoon bite on Derek’s shoulder and my heart sinks. I wonder if I’ll have to kill him before he becomes a raccoon himself.

11:30 am:

Derek and I decide that, to pre-game for the night ahead, we should watch Wedding Crashers. Also, in case things take a turn for the worst, Dawn of the Dead.

12:00 noon:

Derek and I fall asleep on the ground, surrounded by candy wrappers and bottles of Mountain Dew.

12:37 pm:

We are awoken by our friend Wesley tapping us on the head with his foot.

“Guys? Are you guys ready to go?” He surveys the scene as me and Derek moan and grunt into the waking world. “What were you guys doing?” Wesley asks.

“Partying,” Derek says, his voice slightly muffled by his hand wiping at his face. “Partying on Mount Dew.”

We get up, gather our things, and walk to the door. There’s no time for a shower, so I simply cover myself in Axe body spray and put cinnamon in my hair. Derek does the same, except with ranch dressing. The odor is incredible. As we pile into Wesley’s minivan, I pull Wesley aside and whisper, “Hey, Derek got bit by a raccoon last night.”

“Oh, God,” Wesley gasps, struggling to control the volume of his voice. “THAT POOR SOUL!” He yells, completely losing control of the volume of his voice.

“Wait, why poor soul?” Derek asks as Wesley slides the van door shut in his face.

1:08 pm:

Wesley, Derek, and I reach the reception site, where the wedding party will all load into a hummer limo and head to the church. Everybody convenes at a small house on the property and drops their stuff off. It’s strangely similar to the first episode of a season of The Real World, except in this season, there’s already years of baggage to deal with and most of the cast members have already hooked up before.

I’m pretty sure I hear a child being conceived during the limousine ride.

1:55 pm:

SPOILER ALERT: There’s a lot of wiener in this next part.

The male portion of the wedding party is led to an office we’ll be using as a dressing room. The woman who leads us is a bit older, and very short. She has a squatty, pear-shaped frame, and her skin seems loose and baggy.

“Well, here’s where you’ll dress,” she says. We all quietly look the room over. A few members of the party set their tuxedos down. “Go ahead,” she says, not moving an inch. Her eyes seem to be glistening with desire.

“Um, do you think you could–” I begin, but am interrupted by Derek beckoning toward the party.

“Can somebody hold this while I put on my vest? It keeps getting in the way.” Derek has completely exposed himself. He is fully erect. His penis looks like Andy Rooney if someone stretched him out a bit.

“Incredible,” the old woman says. Chad Hammock, of the Chad Hammock Band, steps forward and throws Derek’s tux jacket onto his exposed crotch.

“That’s enough,” Chad Hammock of the Chad Hammock Band says. “Ma’am, we’d appreciate some privacy while we dress.”

“Yes, yes,” the woman said, almost whispering. She starts to walk out, slowly, then abruptly turns and scurries behind a plastic tree.

Von Aday, another groomsman, sighs heavily. “Ma’am, we can see you. Can you please leave? You’re making everyone really uneasy. Look, Derek’s completely flaccid.” The room collectively turns and looks at Derek, whose limp dick now resembles Mickey Rooney instead of a stretched-out Andy. Derek is frowning like a child who’s dropped his sweets.

“ALL RIGHT!” the woman screams and leaves.

We all dress without further incident.

4:00 pm:

One hour until the wedding, we’ve just finished taking photographs. Nothing weird happened here.

5:00 pm:

The wedding begins. I’m getting nervous. In my sweaty right hand, I hold Angela’s wedding ring. To stave off my nerves, I begin ranking the groomsmen in terms of what they look like in a tuxedo. Here’s what I got:

Church Deacon with Hilarious Drinking Problem: Kendall ChaseChurch Deacon

Small Child  Who is Angry Because “My Mom is Making Me Wear This”: Von Aday

NFL Player on Draft Day Who Seems Terribly Uncomfortable in Atypically Formal Clothes: Robert Santos

Bitter, Vietnam War Veteran Pall-Bearer: Chad Hammock (of the Chad Hammock Band)

Proud, Ethnic Father: Joey Kochetta

Friendly Waiter at High-End Restaurant: Parker Thompson

Young, Drunk Stock Broker: Kyle Irion

James Bond (Goldeneye-era): Lanny Thompson

5:08 pm

Bride’s maids file in. Lanny seems frustrated when I ask him which of the maids he’d most want to bang. After a moment, I lean close to his ear and whisper that I want to bang “Almost all of them.”

5:15 pm

Preacher mentions “the blood of Christ.” I turn to Parker, who stands behind me, and whisper-yell, “GORE FEST!!!” while holding up devil-horns with my right hand. Those in attendance all turn and look at me. I think it’s because there’s something on my tux, so I look down to check. There isn’t. I return my gaze to the preacher.

5:34 pm

A man from the audience, a family friend, goes to the podium to read some passages from the Bible. Before the ceremony, I switched the man’s bible with a copy of The Fellowship of the Ring. Nobody (including the man reading) notices the switch. Everyone is very moved by the readings.

5:50 pm

BORED.

5:58 pm

The wedding party begins to file out. As I walk down the aisle, trying to pinch the Maid of Honor’s butt with the highest level of genteel-discreetness, I realize that I just saw something pretty special. I feel a swell of pride in my heart then a harsh slap on my hand as it grazes the Maid of Honor’s tookus.

Congratulations, Lanny and Angela.

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