My Favorite Deadly Sins: A Ranking

24 Jun

Today’s post is one that I was particularly excited/damned by. I’ve always admired the good guys because, well, they’re good. They promote harmony, maintain peace, and usually have movies made about them. I’d like a movie made about me. In spite of this love of good, sometimes, it’s fun to do bad stuff. It’s fun to do hood shit. I don’t advise making a lifestyle out of these, but a dabble here and there, a bit of drinking, a bit of the VD, I think does a body good.

So, I’ve ranked the Seven Deadly Sins in order of how much I love doing them. Here we go…to HELL!

1. Gluttony

Gluttony–overindulgence. Over-consumption. Over-awesome fun. I love eating, and I’m sure it pisses God the Hell off [Editor’s Note: Careful] when I eat three cheesy biscuits before my three course meal at Red Lobster, but what I think really honks God’s wiener [Editor’s Note: Please], is extreme wastefulness, another aspect of gluttony. My dog had puppies last week. Everybody loves puppies; but, instead of giving them away or taking them to the pound, thereby sharing my puppy wealth, I blind-folded the little dogs and pushed them into a creek.

Ain’t I a stinker?

2. Pride

Here’s what Wikipedia had to say on pride:

Pride (Latin, superbia), or hubris, is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante’s definition was “love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one’s neighbour.”

Yea, I’ll take a double of that.

In Diet Coke–this body was no accident.

Also, I’m not including Envy in this list because I’m not envious of anybody.

3. Sloth

My lifestyle requires a large, seemingly endless cash-flow of which I’d like to personally earn as little as possible. It’s not that I’m not willing to work, because I’ve had jobs, I just try to avoid things like “training sessions” and “cleaning.”

Do you know what English majors do in college? They read. Yea. That thing that most of you do for leisure when you want to unwind or stimulate yourself (lol)? I got a degree in that. So, if there’s an apocalypse and the Alien/Zombie/Communist overlords are rounding up our most skilled to create a new colony, I’ll be able to proudly declare that “I can read!”

I will then sit back down in the pile of ash I have claimed as my bed-toilet and wait for somebody to tell me where to start digging my own grave.

4. Wrath

Some would say that Pride is at the core of every sin. I say nay. I say Wrath is the source. Now follow me here. Wrath is defined as uncontrollable rage or anger. Okay.

  1. Lust- You’re mad at your penis/vagina for its disuse.
  2. Sloth- You’re mad at the remote for not being able to float to you when you want it.
  3. Pride- You’re mad at everyone else for not appreciating how mind-numbingly attractive you are.
  4. Envy- You’re mad at Jay-Z for being a multi-millionaire rapper and business man that gets to regularly have sex with Beyoncé.
  5. Gluttony- You’re mad at those cheese fries for being so delicious and so not inside your stomach.
  6. Greed- You’re mad at your wallet for being so inexplicably empty. Didn’t you just get paid the other day?
  7. Wrath- You’re mad at something, so you might hit it or yell at it or something.

I rest my case.

5. Greed

Perhaps because it’s one of the greatest causes of the economic crisis that is gripping our nation, or perhaps because it rhymes with “Creed,” everybody hates greed just a little more than the rest of the Deadly Sins. See, people can get behind laziness. Naps are awesome. People can get behind lust and gluttony because boobs and fried chicken are great and when you put them together they only get better, but with greed–ew, yucky, most people think. And I’d agree, for the most part, greed is markedly ew and acutely yucky.

But come on, haven’t you ever played Monopoly? You know when you get to that one point in the game where it’s just you and one or two other players, and pretty much all that’s happening is them going around the board, paying you rent, slowly expending their fortunes–all the while, you just sit back and collect, smiling broadly, repeating in a sickening air of false modesty that ‘the game isn’t over yet’ and that ‘anything is possible’? Yea, pretty great, huh? You know who makes that feeling possible? The great people at Hasbro and their partners in Hell.

I also love eating all the free tortilla chips when I go to Mexican restaurants.

6. Lust

I love women. I love all of the women. You would probably assume that that fact alone would vault this sin to the top of the list. No dice. You see, lust is relegated to merely thinking and fantasizing about someone in a purely sexual or erotic fashion. Just thinking and fantasizing. These mental pornos are fun for a while, but when you come back to reality, alone and unserviced, you find out how much thinking and fantasizing sucks. This isn’t to say that I’m against finding a woman to be attractive; that’s not what I’m saying. I think there is a difference between finding a woman attractive and fantasizing about what size ball gag she’d wear (You’d be surprised what isn’t one-size-fits-all.).

I spend hours upon hours upon hours pretending to be interested in what attractive women are saying to me, all the while I’m actually wondering what fruit their breasts most resemble when naked (Oranges? Watermelons? …Bananas?). Do you have any idea how exhausting that gets? After a night out, I’m absolutely famished.

So yea, I’ll stand by this.

And I stand by not including envy on this list.

The End.

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3 Responses to “My Favorite Deadly Sins: A Ranking”

  1. Patrick June 25, 2010 at 12:39 pm #

    A damn fine display of Kyleisms. Proud of you.

  2. Mrs. Rodriguez July 13, 2010 at 11:37 am #

    Your mother must be so proud!

    • Kyle Irion July 13, 2010 at 12:56 pm #

      Absolutely!

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