Form Breakup Letter/My Breakup Letter

25 Aug

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends in my life–and I’ve had to break up with some of them at one point or another. My first few breakups were hard; she cried, she screamed, I got defensive and accidentally got back together with her only to have to break up with her again mere minutes later, starting the whole process over again. Then, I had my greatest idea: I would create a system–a step-by-step procedure to ending it with my girlfriends.

Breakups got infinitely easier–so easy, they were almost fun. I would break up with complete strangers, sending them hurdling into a state of confusion, sadness, rage, and mostly just confusion. I’ve created a form letter for breaking up with your significant other, which I also employ. Just circle the option in the sentence that most applies to your situation.

Use this as a letter or a script or have a guy tattoo it on your ass then direct your lover’s attention there after your next love making session.

Break up with some one–

–Right.

Dear (girl/boy)friend, Hey.

What’s up? Are you having a good day? I hope (class/work) was good. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about (us/our relationship/your body) a lot lately and have decided that we should break up. I think our visions of (the future/relationships/what a good body is) are too different. I still think you’re (great/super sweet/tolerable/super tolerable), but our relationship just isn’t (working/legal/consensual enough).

I just feel like I can’t (talk to/stand the sight of) you anymore. You’re such a closed (book/vagina), it’s hard to get to you. It’s hard to feel close to you. So hard. I need someone I can (communicate/fornicate) with.

Remember last (week/semester/year) when we went to the (zoo/fair/free clinic)? Remember how (fun/awesome/crazy/horrifying) that was? That’s one memory that will always make me (smile/appreciate clean urine)–always.

Even though we’ re no longer (together/dating/seeing one another/united through a non-consensual observer-observed relationship), I still think you’re (great/the best/fat). Our time together has been one that (I/we/just you) really learned a lot from. (I/we/you) learned about (love/struggle/reverse cowgirl) and (friendship/compassion/the power of mace).

Anyway, I’m (rambling/celebrating quietly in my room, imagining you reading this letter, a smug smile stretched across my face) and I’ve said all I have to say. Goodbye.

(Eat a dick.)

-Your name.

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9 Responses to “Form Breakup Letter/My Breakup Letter”

  1. Austin August 25, 2010 at 9:18 pm #

    This is definitely bookmarked for future use.

    • Kyle Irion August 26, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

      I hope to have a hand in all of your heart-crushing breakups.

  2. Kissie August 26, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    I think maybe instead of “Eat a dick,” it should read, “Eat a bag of dicks” … just a thought.

    • Kyle Irion August 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

      Well, we’re trying to end a relationship, not end a life. An entire bag of dicks could be devastating to someone. I’m trying to let them down softly…
      …onto my dick.

      • Kissie August 26, 2010 at 5:08 pm #

        Oh god, haha! I guess you’re right though…don’t want to kill them because even after this there is the possibility that there will be make-up sex. This is not fool proof my friend…

      • Kyle Irion August 26, 2010 at 5:15 pm #

        I hate wearing make up while I have sex. It gets all over my shackles.

        And this is absolutely fool proof. This is a *breakup* form letter, not a *break up then get back together because you’re just a bunch of cowards* letter.

  3. Kissie August 26, 2010 at 5:17 pm #

    True. You win. ha

  4. haanherself September 8, 2010 at 4:14 pm #

    The power of mace, Kyle? Really?

    • Kyle Irion September 11, 2010 at 11:37 am #

      I have no idea what you mean by that.

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