An Open Letter from Your Allergies

8 Oct

Dear humanity,

Hey. It’s me. Your allergies.


Yea, I'm in there somewhere.


So, it’s the changing of the seasons. High time for me. I’m everywhere and all over/inside everyone. People are sneezing. People are coughing. Their throats are itchy and their air passages are blocked by seemingly impenetrable walls of mucus. Listen–I get it. I get that you’re pissed. Humanity LOVES breathing. Humanity HATES the inevitable “use a sleeve as a tissue” situation. Humanity LOVES the Situation.


I just want to say that I’m sorry, okay?

But you gotta understand, it’s not easy to be me. I’m not all bad. I wake up every day and get ready to go out into your species, knowing that just every man, woman, and child on this god forsaken Earth hates me. You all hate me. And the rest of the ailment community doesn’t respect me because I’m not even, like, a real disease or whatever. I can’t kill you, I’m not contagious, and I’m different for everyone. You know how hard it is to be at a party when AIDS shows up and then all of a sudden it’s like “Hey, yea, sorry I’m late. I was over in Africa owning the shit out of everybody.” Then he pauses for a second and says something like “I’m killing everyone over there.” Everybody claps and cheers and then diabetes’ll do something obnoxious like spray beer in the air or infect a fat cat or something.

I’m getting off track. I just wanted to let you know that I’m sorry and that after everything–the sneezing, the struggle to breath while you sleep–it’s only because I want to feel close to someone. Thanks for making my October worth living.

Yours whether you like it or not,


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