29 Oct

Stop. Pause for a moment. Close your eyes. Now, imagine a… crap. Open your eyes. You need your eyes open to read th… Damn it. Damn it.

[Editor’s Note: Now you’ve done it.]

I haven’t done shit.

[Editor’s Note: Yea, it looks like you’ve single-handedly eliminated your entire audience’s ability to read your piece.]

Hey, you can get out of the damn brackets. Get out. Nobody’s looking.


Fine. So now what do I do?

Whatever you want, really.

Okay. I’m going to write all the things I’ve always wanted to but never could because there was always a reader around.

Six Things I Hate About My Readers

[Editor’s Note: What the hell? What is there to hate? You never see them.]

That’s just it, Editor.

They’re invisible to me.

IronKyle fan club.

I’ll move on.

Blacks: What’s the Deal?

[Editor’s Note: No.]

You’re being impossible.

My Time in Auschwitz

The earth and the sky and all around me were bathed in a wash of blue and grey. It was as if color itself had fled the terrible scene.

Mothers and children clutch one another. Fathers, wearing countenances that spoke of fear and of shame and of profound, profound sorrow. I’m wearing overalls and a Tony Romo jersey. We were walking through a lot of mud and I heard we’d be outside a lot so I wore my outside/knock-around clothes.

“Auschwitz,” I mutter to the man to my left. His cheeks were sunken and his eyes were set deep into his skull. “More like, Aw, shitz.” I smile and punch him in the arm. He falls down. I tried to reach down to pick him up, but the current of the moving crowd pushed me forward. I never saw him again.

[Editor’s Note: God, this is depressing. You’re still doing comedy, right?]

Editor, I just don’t know anymore.

The End.

2 Responses to “Imagine”

  1. Patrick October 29, 2010 at 10:42 pm #

    Your humor borders autistic. **Does highly offensive autistic impersonation**

  2. greenchikin November 1, 2010 at 12:45 pm #

    Another bout of genius!!! I laughed so hard when you punched that dude in the arm! Ha!

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