Love Tips

14 Jul

Some tips are good. Tips that help you through life–good. Tips that you give waiters and waitresses–great. Tips that you spot but think little of because you don’t realize they’re just tips and not the entire mass and then you hit them with your cruise ship that you had told everyone was unsinkable but then boom you hit the damn thing and it was under the whole time how were you to know but so what you hit it and now you’re sinking but don’t worry you’ll be famous forever for it–and dead–bad.

This is a collection of the first kind of tip. The kind of tip that improves your life and makes you a better person. And a better lover 😉

[Editor’s Note: It ruins your credibility when you use emoticons in your articles.]

[Kyle’s Note: :-P]

1. Gently caress her body with your finger tips. Run up her spine, along the backs of her arms. Whisper “…targeting…” in her ear. Then, every few seconds, pinch her as hard as you can and say “Kaboom.” The light nerve stimulation combined with the images of incendiary bombs releases endorphins that amp up sex drive.

2. Women love nose play. While she’s laying in bed, looking up at you expectantly, her eyes soft and pleading, leap on top of her like the great ape that you are. Straddle her torso. Look at the flash of fear in her eyes. Let it pass. Start scooching forward. The feel of your taint sliding up her sternum drives her wild and releases endorphins that amp up her sex drive. Push your hips forward. Say, in your most effeminate voice, “Eskimo kiss” then tickle the tip of her nose with your penis until you climax.

3. Take your lover from behind. As she gets close to climaxing, scream “There’s another guy in here!” This will terrify the shit out of her and kill the mood. Make sounds like you’re struggling with someone, but don’t get out of her. Fall forward, pressing her onto the bed. Keep making sounds like a fight. Maybe even give the other guy a funny voice. This tactic could have big rewards, as your lover may be turned on by listening to you defend her so bravely, but it will most likely kill the mood for the both of you, turning your erection into little more than a boneless crotch finger. See tips 1 and 2 to reclaim the mood.

4. Put on a pair of silk gloves and dawn a top hat. Undress your lover slowly, running your silk-laden fingertips along every inch of her body. When she’s good and hot, move to the foot of the bed. Stand there, completely nude and completely aroused, letting your manhood swing proud. Bing bong bing bong, it will say–like a disgusting grandfather clock. Remove your hat and introduce yourself. Say “I am the Love Magician. And I am here to make my lunch–disappear!” And then take an enormous dump on the ground. The smell of your feces will release endorphins that will make her south mouth salivate with desire. Get back on the bed. It’s show time.

5. Scream “BOOM!” every time you thrust.

6. Cover a pearl necklace with lube and stuff it into your butt. Once you start making love and she’s close to climaxing, pull out. Throw yourself onto your back and spread your legs wide. Say “You have given me a gift from your vagina. Now let me give you a gift from mine–from my boy vagina.” Reach with your thumb and index finger into your butt and draw out the pearl necklace. When she starts and tries and backs away from shock, fear, and carnal desire, pursue her. Being chased with an object recently removed from a human body releases endorphins that put her sex drive through the roof.

7. While she’s on top of you, reach out and grab both of her hands. Tense your arms to give her some support while she’s grinding. Then, do your best impression of her parents. Alternate between father and mother. Do not let go of her hands. Scream the name of her family dog as you climax.

8. Leave a bouquet of flowers at your lover’s office. Inside the bouquet, include a note that reads “Flowers for my flower” or something along those lines. “A rose for my rose.” Resist all “Seed” entendres; they will send the wrong message. Stick with more romantic, erotic messages. “I want to stab you with a shovel and put roses in you.” “You are dirt.” Then, leave a gift card for her favorite restaurant and tell her her next clue is there. When she gets to the restaurant, have a table set out for her. Leave a note there that reads “You better get used to stuff like this.” Leave a note on her entree that says she has fifteen minutes to eat before the building explodes. When she runs out to her car, have a note under her windshield that says “…with desire.” She will not understand and neither will you, but that’s not important. On the back of that note, write “You need to get home before your dessert gets cold.” She will hurry home as quickly as possible. When she walks in and calls your name, don’t say a word. Put cut out paper arrows on the ground that lead to the bathroom, where you lay in a tub full of red water, fake blood poured all over your wrists. She will scream and cry, but don’t move. The sight of a dead body releases endorphins that can moisten even the driest flap of lady meat. She may even climax right there. When she drops to her knees by the tub, burst into life and scream “SEX!” Leap on top of her. Your sudden resurrection will fill her with desire. For you.

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