Tag Archives: college

My Last Act as an Undergrad

21 May

That seems strangely capitalized. Hm.

Welcome back.

Today was my last day as an undergraduate at UNT. My last test was in literature. My last meal on campus was a double burger, pizza, and stir fry. My last trip to a campus bathroom was a successful one– pooped, peed, and blew my nose–and washed my hands. My last act on campus was…miraculous.

At the Spring 2009 Commencement Ceremony, I was given a great opportunity–to address my graduation class as guest speaker. Fantastic.

I approach the podium, nervous but poised. I’m cool as a cucumber. I hear a murmur throughout the crowd as I ascend to where I will deliver my speech.

“Welcome back.” I say to roaring applause.

“Well, as you all know, I’m graduating. I’m about to head out into the brave, scary world and begin my adult life. There are roughly 2,000 of you in the graduating class.” More applause. “By simple laws of probability, there is almost certainly a number of you who have failed one or two too many classes this past semester and will not be joining me in adult life. To you I respectfully say ‘Suck it,’ and ‘lol.'”

As soon as I say the word “Suck,” the capacity crowd erupts with elation. They love it when I say bad words.

“The fact is, this is the worst economy in decades. Not since the secret, government covered up depression of 1987 has there been anything this terrifying. This is more terrifying than the film ‘Cloverfield.'”

This allusion seems to have lost many members of the audience.

“Uh…like more terrifying than a super smart dog who knows how to use automatic weapons.” Here I hear the light bulbs go on and a sigh of epiphany sweeps the room. All right.

“There’s nothing out there for us. No jobs, no families, no fancy cars or beautiful homes. All we have is each other. Look up into the faceless mass surrounding you and wave goodbye to the flesh-tone blobs you think might be your family and say goodbye. We’re staying in college forever. We’re going to live in Clark Hall. We will be taking it by force.”

Eight minutes later, We took Clark Hall by force. We held the Hall for exactly 36 minutes before the vast majority of the class remembered how cool it is to get presents. Many of us also missed food, flavored beverages, and our women.

The End.

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Holy Gradjeeayshun Bat-Man!

16 May

Graduation is so fucking boring. Am I right? I feel bad for all the thousands of people in the audience who have to wait patiently for “Robert Kyle Irion, Degree in English, Minors in Psychology and Awesome,” then wait through another few hundred or thousand meaningless names. I just thought I’d throw out some tips for the administration to look at to make graduation less of a beating.

1. When I walk across stage, I want to feel that I can safely booty-bump UNT President Gretchen Bataille without fear of suit or assault from security.

2. As each department head enters the coliseum, the announcer should also say their height, weight, and place of birth, like in a boxing match.

3. Pyrotechnics.

4. Graduations are so predictable. I want to introduce a little bit of suspense to the proceedings. Therefore, I say we have one “Wild Card” degree. As each students pass by the podium, have their name called, whatever, there is a giant pendulum swinging back and forth above the pile of fake diplomas. If the pendulum stops over the pile when your name is called, you can’t graduate. LOL

5. Have a drawing with all the seat numbers in the coliseum. If your name gets called, you get a MARINE BIOLOGY DEGREE!

5. Every graduate is handed a sword. A master samurai is stationed in front of the diploma stand. You want it? Go get it.

6. Those two old men from the Muppets sit in a balcony above the stage and make fun of the graduates as they pass by.

"Hey! look at that guy! If he doesn't do something with that beard, he'll be a "Bachelor of Fine Arts" forever! DOOO HO HO HO HO"

"Hey!If he doesn't do something with that beard, he'll be a 'Bachelor of Fine Arts' forever! DOOO HO HO HO!"

7. Graduation: The Musical

8. Graduation: The IMAX Experience

9. Graduation: 3-D

10: Graduation: First Blood [Editor’s Cut]

10. Instead of diplomas, we’re handed kittens dyed to match the colors of our alma-mater.

UNT: Discover the Power of Ideas (and morally ambiguous testing designed to turn cats green)

Congratulations, grad!

11. Instead of diplomas, we’re given things we can use, like job experience or handfuls of cash.

12. Gretchen Bataille is lowered from the ceiling by a cable. There are sparklers affixed to her feet and a white light shines from behind her. A cheap knockoff of the overture from “Jesus Christ Superstar” plays. Hundreds are offended and leave almost immediately. Once the prudes leave we bring out some strippers.

Shit. I have to leave for graduation in 15 minutes. I might need to start getting ready. Not nervous yet. Maybe once I get there. I’m going to miss college.

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