Tag Archives: John Mayer

Celebritweets 2: The Tweequel

21 Sep

So, hey! Twitter is still up. Good. Good for them. Also, good for us because there are still plenty of celebrities tweeting away facts that are, for the most part, just as mundane as the ones us regular folks post, but hey! These are CELEBRITIES! Now, there are even more celebrities for me to tweet at than last time. That’s also good for us.

For those unfamiliar with the twitter format, here’s a quick summary: in twitter, you can send updates describing what you’re doing throughout the day to your twitter account. It looks like a big message board. When you want to respond to something on somebody’s twitter, you simply type “@(username)” and then your message. So, if somebody wanted to message me they’d type “@IronKyle.” You can also “retweet” what someone else tweeted by simply typing “RT @(username of person you’re retweeting).” Twitter also allows you to send pictures through tiny links called “twitpics.”

If you’re still confused, don’t worry. You’ll catch on.

————

levarburton @IronKyle: I don’t do that show anymore. It’s been canceled for 4 years.

IronKyle @levarburton: What? Did people stop reading or something? Did you reach the end of the rainbow and find that everything had already been adapted into a movie?

levarburton @IronKyle: Lol, No, I didn’t ever try to find the “rainbow.” It was just a graphic, really.

IronKyle @levarburton: You know what, Levar Burton? You’re kind of an ass hole.

—-

AlYankovic: I’m going to be on the Jimmy Fallon Show!

IronKyle @AlYankovic: Are you rolling the dice that by some miracle Jimmie Fallon has found the only 100 or so people left in the world who haven’t heard “Amish Paradise“?

AlYankovic @IronKyle: Haha, real funny. When will you be on Jimmy Fallon?

IronKyle @AlYankovic: After I beat your ass for making a mockery of Don Mclean’s “American Pie.” What you did to that song is like me putting a giant copper mustache on the Statue of Liberty.

AlYankovic @IronKyle: Kyle, I’m sorry if my parody offended you.They’re meant as kind of “comedic parodies.” There’s no call for you to threaten me.

IronKyle @AlYankovic: I’m going to turn your face into a “comedic parody” of your ass.

AlYankovic@IronKyle: That’s enough. This conversation is over.

IronKyle @AlYankovic: Later, Yankadick.

—-

IronKyle @JeremyPiven: Would you say you’re kind of like the Fonzie of “Entourage”?

JeremyPiven @IronKyle: Haha, I wish. I can only hope to be compared to a character like that.

IronKyle @JeremyPiven: Yea, here. http://twitpic.com/imj4

JeremyPiven @IronKyle: What is that?

IronKyle @JeremyPiven: It’s me peeing on Fonzie’s house holding the season 1 DVD’s of “Entourage.”

JeremyPiven @IronKyle: God. You’ve got to be kidding me. First of all, his name is Henry Winkler, not “Fonzie.” Second of all, I don’t condone any of this just because you’re holding “Entourage” DVD’s.

IronKyle RT@JeremyPiven: God? You’ve got to be kidding me.

JeremyPiven @IronKyle: That is NOT what I said! Take that down!

@JeremyPiven: Hey, right now, are you wearing a really nice suit, clutching your cell phone and half-yelling?

JeremyPiven @IronKyle: Are you asking if I resemble my character on “Entourage”? Well, no. I’m sitting quietly at my computer talking to a child.

IronKyle @JeremyPiven: When you go pee, do you call yourself “Jeremy Pissin’.”?

JeremyPiven @IronKyle: Stop it. Go away.

—-

IronKyle @johncmayer: So, you have a new album coming out?

johncmayer @IronKyle: Yea man, I absolutely do. It should be coming out pretty soon.

IronKyle @johncmayer: Did you do another song about trying to halt Earth’s orbit around the sun? That was epic.

johncmayer @IronKyle: What song?

IronKyle @johncmayer: “Waiting on the World to Change.”

johncmayer @IronKyle: Dude, come on. Do you ever listen to these songs? Or do you just read the title and make the rest up in your head?

IronKyle @johncmayer: Play a guitar solo.

johncmayer @IronKyle: Did you even read my response?

IronKyle @johncmayer: I can’t remember. Did you date skinny Jessica Simpson or fat Jessica Simpson?

johncmayer @IronKyle: Go to hell, man.

IronKyle @johncmayer: Hey, do you feel weird that you Jessica dated you to round out her “high school archetype” list?

johncmayer @IronKyle: What?

IronKyle @johncmayer: She dated “the jock,” Tony, the “sensitive guy,” Nick Lachey, and then you, the “musician with a stupid face.”

johncmayer @IronKyle: Remind me why I talk to you, you fuck.

IronKyle RT @johncmayer: Remind me why I fuck you, you talk.

johncmayer @IronKyle: You are such a beating, dude. I’m out.

IronKyle @johncmayer: John Mayer, you’re more of an asshole than Levar Burton. You know that?

Celebrity Tweets

24 Apr

Hello, planet Earth.

The other day, also known as Wednesday, I was adding celebrities to my Twitter account. For those of you who don’t know, Twitter is a website that functions kind of like facebook’s home page: purely status updates. You have 140 characters to tell the people subscribing to your Twitter page what you’re doing. You have “followers” who can read your status updates. Another cool feature is the ability to respond to people’s Tweets. This is signified by @username of the person you’re responding to, then your response.

Why was I doing this? Because celebrities are so bizarre. I really enjoy reading their moment by moment updates throughout the day and even being able to respond to them. Here are some of the more interesting updates I’ve read recently. My Twitter name is IronKyle.

THE_REAL_SHAQ @IronKyle: No, I wouldn’t credit “Kazaam” with my success on the court.

IronKyle @ THE_REAL_SHAQ: Well then you’re an idiot.

THE_REAL_SHAQ@IronKyle: Who the hell is this?

IronKyle@THE_REAL_SHAQ: I’m Kyle. Iron Kyle. You may have read my blog, kyleirionforever.wordpress.com

THE_REAL_SHAQ@IronKyle: I put up some parental blocks to keep my daughters from reading it.

IronKyle@THE_REAL_SHAQ: Would you say you blocked my site like you block an opponent’s weak jumper?

THE_REAL_SHAQ@IronKyle: I’d say I blocked it like a parent blocks a shitty web site.

IronKyle@THE_REAL_SHAQ: BOOM! You’re awesome.

—–

johncmayer: Ever notice there’s always still a street in Manhattan you’ve never heard of? “Ever eat at that place on Zance and Mortimer?”

IronKyle@johncmayer: Is that where you’re eating today?

johncmayer@IronKyle: Uh, no. Those are two made up streets.

IronKyle@johncmayer: Do you still play that song where you compare your lover’s vagina to a house of mirrors?

johncmayer@IronKyle: “Your Body Is a Wonderland”?

IronKyle@johncmayer: Yea. I think you refer to your boner as a “bag full of yummy fair candy”

johncmayer@IronKyle: Man, that song is about making love to a beautiful woman–how her body never ceased to amaze me, because it was hers.

IronKyle@johncmayer: You should write a song about aliens

johncmayer@IronKyle: I don’t think I’ll be doing that, IronKyle

IronKyle@johncmayer: Well then you’re an idiot.

—-

Oprah@IronKyle: Thanks 4 ur support, IronKyle! I’m glad you enjoy the show.

IronKyle@Oprah: You’re welcome. Just be sure you keep that badass rack on the air for another ten years, ok?

Oprah@IronKyle: That’s horribly offensive.

IronKyle@Oprah: I was just kidding. It’s not offensive if it’s just kidding.

Oprah@IronKyle: Who taught you that?

IronKyle@Oprah: Why Oprah, don’t you remember?…It was you, 6 years ago. Episode 541.

Oprah@IronKyle: We’d already made about 2,000 episodes by that time. I think you just made up a number. I never taught you that.

IronKyle@Oprah: Take off your clothes more.

Oprah@IronKyle: …I’m not going to do that. I don’t think I want you following me on Twitter anymore.

IronKyle@Oprah: Can I still follow you in my car, though?

Oprah@IronKyle: I hope you’re kidding. That’s not a funny joke. I have good friends of mine that have dealt with stalking.

IronKyle@Oprah: What happened to you, Oprah? You used to be so cool. Will you do a show in 3-D this year?

Oprah@IronKyle: No.

IronKyle@Oprah: Sometimes I put on 3-D goggles and pretend that the whole world is a giant 3-D movie. What’s your phone number?

TwittAdmin@IronKyle: Hello, IronKyle. Unfortunately, you’ve violated our Terms of Use and I’m going to have to remove your account.

IronKyle@TwittAdmin: Well then you’re an idiot.

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