Tag Archives: kyle

My Favorite Posts of 2009

31 Dec

I haven’t been writing for a year, much less two years, and even less ten years, but I have been posting for roughly nine months now, and that’s at least long enough for my blog to have carried a tiny, internet child to term, so I feel that lends my blog a certain stately authority. I decided that in light of the New Year approaching, I’d look back and give my favorite pieces one more chance at the light of day.

1. The Job Interview– One of my very first posts and still one of my favorites. The narrative element–really the entire job interview concept–was added after I’d already posted another version. Originally it was a bland, tired, trite tirade on the blogging, hipster-elitist culture. I asked my friend, Derek, for feedback. His response was something along the lines of “It’s well-written, but unoriginal. Anybody can rage against that kind of machine.” I agreed completely and still do. I went back, did a complete revision with the job interview in place and the rest is history.

2. Protect Yourself: You vs. The Swine Flu, Part 1– Of all the posts I’ve done that had more than one part, this one is easily my favorite. At this point, my writing was starting to suck way, way less and actually sound like something people would read.

3. My 100th Post– I was actually really proud of myself for writing 100 posts. I bring back an old friend to my blog, President Barack Obama, and we have a ball. My GIMP cropping skills really got a work out for this one as well; I believe the pictures in this blog do the best job of any in any other posts of accenting and improving the punch of the words.

4. Interview With a Beaver– The idea for this blog was originally to have a blog from an animal’s point of view, maybe one of my fish or cats or something. However, after trying at that for awhile, it seemed like the execution would be a little more difficult than anticipated, so I decided a back and forth with IronKyle would be better.

5. Writer’s Block– This is a blog that didn’t get a whole heap of adulation when it was first released. However, this list is about which ones I like, so I’m putting it here. It’s short, it’s sweet, and I think it’s pretty sharp.

6. My Screenplay for Bat Man III– Here it is. The big mama. My first screenplay. I can’t tell you how much fun I had writing this one. It’s my only post to be labeled homophobic and misogynistic. I don’t think it is at all, really, but it makes me seem edgy, so I’m telling you now.

7. Kyle & Art vs. Facebook & “Terms of Use”– Definitely the most epic of all my posts. I had been reading Stephen King’s The Stand around the same time I wrote this one, and I think it shows. Mark Zuckerburg’s persona was a big parallel to Randall Flagg, the villain from the aforementioned novel.

8. Letter of Apology to My Childhood Self– This post kind of gave me a Homeward Bound lump in my throat when I was finished with it.

9. My Day With Stephen King– Stephen King is the man. In this post, he farts on me. I get farted on by the man. Written when I had just finished King’s The Gunslinger and was reading his memoir on the craft of writing, On Writing.

10. Kylelight– I love being able to touch on a subject that a lot of people can get a kick out of. Twilight provided me with an almost universally-known subject to lampoon. Kylelight was a post that I was actually kind of nervous about when I put it out, half expecting it to fall flat, but people liked it. The most interesting thing about it was that the people who seemed to like the post the most were Twilight fans. I like that.

Thanks, everybody. Happy New Years! I hope to be way funnier in 2010.

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The Whiskey Kyle Letters

17 Dec

1

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

How pleased I am to see that you haven’t vandalized anything in recent weeks. This is a strange time for us, Whiskey Kyle. Our money is short, yet our desire to get absolutely shit-faced-plaster-eating-it’s-okay-to-slap-me drunk is great. What to do? I will help you. I will give you a great, great gift. I will give you jug after jug of cheap, poorly made wine. We both know that by the time you are at full strength, Whiskey Kyle, everything tastes the same, anyway. Remember that time Sam made you drink Windex? What a tremendous buzz you had! Never forget, Whiskey Kyle, anything ending with “ex” “ine” or “ol” or “poison” most likely should not be ingested. You got lucky with that Windex–vomiting profusely, thereby expelling it from your body.

Also, no one can drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Not even you.

Your friend,

Kyle.

2

Hey Kkyle,

Whiy don’t uy shut up!? I’m haviehn such a gud gtime with whiskeyy rite right now! Have you evr hreard of girls/? They might be better than whiskey? They might. Can you make whiskey have bubz? boobdf? Boobs? I think hyoiu can. next time get me wine wiff boobs on it? Anhyway OH SHIT ISA THAT A PEARLJAM SONG ON?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BEST BAND EVER! I just saw a dog and it looked at me and I think I yelled something at it.

love,

Whiskey Kyle

3

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve taken such an antagonistic view of me. I’m also sorry to hear that you’re to the point of screaming at stray animals. What do you hope to achieve?

Whiskey Kyle, I assure you, I mean you no harm. I am your care taker. I have to rebuild what you destroy, be it relationships with women, relationships with friends, or your relationship with your stomach, liver, and brain. I have to do clean all the mysterious stains I find on your clothes in the morning.

Yes, I have heard of women, but no, I cannot put boobs on whiskey or wine. I’m not sure how you realistically expected me to do that. Did you really think I could do that? Were you kidding? I’m worried.

Your friend,

Kyle

4

Dear Fucker,

I’m sorry to see that yu’ve taken sush an ant-hand-against-it view of me! Why do you use those words I think you don’t like me? I peed.

Love,

Whiskey Kyle

5

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

First off, it’s antagonistic, not ant-hand-against-it. That doesn’t make any sense. And why do you keep ending declarative sentences with question marks? I can’t tell if I’m supposed to answer you or just listen to you jabber on.

Before you do anything stupid tonight, go through all the possible repercussions. Think to yourself, “If I do decide to sign these papers, officially making Derek and I equal partners in a civil union, will I still find it humorous a week from now? How about twenty-four hours from now? How about two hours from now?” Before you let Angela slap you, ask yourself “Should I at least ask her to take off her wedding ring?” And finally, before you try to do a wicked jump off that handicap ramp, ask yourself “Is this safe? Do I have any experience in performing stunts? How did I get this motorcycle?” and most importantly, “Did I steal this motorcycle?”

One more thing of note. I know you have a propensity to spill. This would make white t-shirts a bad choice, but as I go through all the photographic evidence of your existence, that’s all I see you wearing. Why not wear something with some color? You’re not the Fonz. Change your shirt or wear a bib.

Your friend,

Kyle.

6

Dear Foop butt 😛

Here’s me:

I just tuk taht with camera. Am Ii Fsamakn>?

Wienerz

Whiskey Kyle.

7

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

I’m growing more and more concerned for your well-being. That is 90’s heart-throb Jonathan Taylor Thomas, not you. This is you:

This might be difficult for you to look at, as it would be for a vampire who has finally been allowed to see his own reflection, but I tell you, you must look at it. Did you know that this is how you look in your final transformation? Not very good, eh?

To answer your question, I don’t know because you’re not making words anymore.

Your friend,

Kyle

8

To my Sober Enemy,

I loOk like a bgadass!

8IIIIIIIIIIID

love,

Whiskey Kyle

9

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

I quit. Just try to not get cirrhosis.

Your friend,

Kyle.

The end.

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