Tag Archives: letters

The Whiskey Kyle Letters, Part 2

18 Jan

Following is a series of correspondence between myself and my intoxicated alter-ego, Whiskey Kyle. A previously documented account of this can be found here.

1

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

How are you? Well, I hope. From your last letters, though, I have reason to believe that my hopes for your continued growth and maturity may not come to fruition. Was I correct when I read that you, while at full force, tried to convince your friend Derek to let you “cut him open and sleep inside him like a big friendly sleeping bag”? That’s a horrible idea, Whiskey Kyle. I’m afraid that you’re getting dangerously close to murder.

Have you murdered someone?

Your friend,

Kyle

2

Hey ikkkyLe,

LIshen. Lishen tu me. Youi are not muyh dad. I did kill some;one.

😛

luv,

Whiskey Kyle

3

Whiskey Kyle,

This isn’t a joke, Whiskey Kyle. You can’t kill people, do you understand? You just can’t. It’s illegal and wrong. Being wasted doesn’t mean you are outside the law. It doesn’t make you an endearing free spirit either, in case that’s what you were thinking. It just makes you a criminal. A foul-smelling, bloated, grotesquely intoxicated criminal.

Why do girls keep kissing you?

Your friend,

Kyle

4

Dear Fuck Yuo,

Hello, Fukc yOU! Thass your name. I püt a sleeppy hiomeless man in a ;ditch by FUddrucker’s. I made him sle3py bi h;tting him with a board. Why dooes that make thm so sleep? LOL.LIKE SOMUCH BLO0D!!!

Ann another thing. I’m real go0d lookin, so why wou;lldn’t igrls want 2 kisS me?

I am G0()d looking, rite?

Right?

Write?

Dickks

Eat some poop,

Whiskey Kyle

5

Whiskey Kyle,

Okay, Whiskey Kyle. I can’t be serious enough about this next part, and I need you to respond with equal seriousness: Did you really kill a homeless man with a board and leave him in a ditch by Fuddrucker’s? And if you did, did you leave any trace of your identity behind?

Do not go back to the body. Not for now. You and a dead body can most adequately be described as a “severe liability.” Just you knowing that there’s a corpse you can tamper with is a severe liability.

And yes, you’re very good looking, but you’re abrasive, impetuous, and prone to binge eating. Women don’t like these things. They also don’t think it makes you look classy when you take off your hoodie and tie it around your shoulders. It doesn’t give you near the “country club” look that you claim you’re going for. It just makes you look like a douche.

But back to the first thing. Did you kill someone? Don’t joke about this.

Your friend,

Kyle

6

KYLE WHOWIE*U!

Don wurry i took ThaT old bag of bones and dresssed him up as mE–I eeven gave hm our ID to be authenTick. NOw the cops won’t geT us because they’ll tHink thaat the homel3ss man is me and everyb8dy knowws you cn’t kill urself.

Smaarter than u think,

Whiskey Kyle

7

Whiskey Kyle,

You idiot. You’ve destroyed us.

-Kyle

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The Whiskey Kyle Letters

17 Dec

1

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

How pleased I am to see that you haven’t vandalized anything in recent weeks. This is a strange time for us, Whiskey Kyle. Our money is short, yet our desire to get absolutely shit-faced-plaster-eating-it’s-okay-to-slap-me drunk is great. What to do? I will help you. I will give you a great, great gift. I will give you jug after jug of cheap, poorly made wine. We both know that by the time you are at full strength, Whiskey Kyle, everything tastes the same, anyway. Remember that time Sam made you drink Windex? What a tremendous buzz you had! Never forget, Whiskey Kyle, anything ending with “ex” “ine” or “ol” or “poison” most likely should not be ingested. You got lucky with that Windex–vomiting profusely, thereby expelling it from your body.

Also, no one can drink a gallon of milk in an hour. Not even you.

Your friend,

Kyle.

2

Hey Kkyle,

Whiy don’t uy shut up!? I’m haviehn such a gud gtime with whiskeyy rite right now! Have you evr hreard of girls/? They might be better than whiskey? They might. Can you make whiskey have bubz? boobdf? Boobs? I think hyoiu can. next time get me wine wiff boobs on it? Anhyway OH SHIT ISA THAT A PEARLJAM SONG ON?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BEST BAND EVER! I just saw a dog and it looked at me and I think I yelled something at it.

love,

Whiskey Kyle

3

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve taken such an antagonistic view of me. I’m also sorry to hear that you’re to the point of screaming at stray animals. What do you hope to achieve?

Whiskey Kyle, I assure you, I mean you no harm. I am your care taker. I have to rebuild what you destroy, be it relationships with women, relationships with friends, or your relationship with your stomach, liver, and brain. I have to do clean all the mysterious stains I find on your clothes in the morning.

Yes, I have heard of women, but no, I cannot put boobs on whiskey or wine. I’m not sure how you realistically expected me to do that. Did you really think I could do that? Were you kidding? I’m worried.

Your friend,

Kyle

4

Dear Fucker,

I’m sorry to see that yu’ve taken sush an ant-hand-against-it view of me! Why do you use those words I think you don’t like me? I peed.

Love,

Whiskey Kyle

5

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

First off, it’s antagonistic, not ant-hand-against-it. That doesn’t make any sense. And why do you keep ending declarative sentences with question marks? I can’t tell if I’m supposed to answer you or just listen to you jabber on.

Before you do anything stupid tonight, go through all the possible repercussions. Think to yourself, “If I do decide to sign these papers, officially making Derek and I equal partners in a civil union, will I still find it humorous a week from now? How about twenty-four hours from now? How about two hours from now?” Before you let Angela slap you, ask yourself “Should I at least ask her to take off her wedding ring?” And finally, before you try to do a wicked jump off that handicap ramp, ask yourself “Is this safe? Do I have any experience in performing stunts? How did I get this motorcycle?” and most importantly, “Did I steal this motorcycle?”

One more thing of note. I know you have a propensity to spill. This would make white t-shirts a bad choice, but as I go through all the photographic evidence of your existence, that’s all I see you wearing. Why not wear something with some color? You’re not the Fonz. Change your shirt or wear a bib.

Your friend,

Kyle.

6

Dear Foop butt 😛

Here’s me:

I just tuk taht with camera. Am Ii Fsamakn>?

Wienerz

Whiskey Kyle.

7

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

I’m growing more and more concerned for your well-being. That is 90’s heart-throb Jonathan Taylor Thomas, not you. This is you:

This might be difficult for you to look at, as it would be for a vampire who has finally been allowed to see his own reflection, but I tell you, you must look at it. Did you know that this is how you look in your final transformation? Not very good, eh?

To answer your question, I don’t know because you’re not making words anymore.

Your friend,

Kyle

8

To my Sober Enemy,

I loOk like a bgadass!

8IIIIIIIIIIID

love,

Whiskey Kyle

9

Dear Whiskey Kyle,

I quit. Just try to not get cirrhosis.

Your friend,

Kyle.

The end.

Mailbag 4: Giggle Free or Laugh Hard

10 Aug

My inbox is flooded with questions and some of them are very important. I love helping out my readers, and I’m proud to afford an open line of communication with the public. Let’s get down to business.

You ever seen those little birds that just sit there spaced out and won’t move–unless you kick ’em? Isn’t that fuckin’ weird? Sam, Highland Village TX

Sam, thanks for the question. The bird you’re referring to could be motionless and “spaced out” because it is, in fact, yard art. In which case, you may have just embarrassed yourself in front of the internet.

It could also be one of several different breeds of domestic birds that have become acclimated to the presence of people, such as the common Rock Pigeon. It’s the bird with the same kind of “You won’t do nothin'” smugness disrespectful children show to people who aren’t their parents. What you need to do is kick it as hard as you can. As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

As hard as you can.

Kyle, I’ve been noticing something that really bothers me while I’m driving to work. I saw a truck with a pair of large, orange, testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. This broke my heart, because my car doesn’t have those. Few cars do, in fact. Does this mean my car was neutered by a previous owner? Will my car ever feel like it’s a full “car” on the inside? Is my car just a girl?  Sam, Highland Village TX

That’s quite a question, young man. Let me start with this: the level of emotional dedication and love you have for your vehicle is at both times moving and disconcerting. Take your car to the mechanic. Tell them you want your inspection. When your car is in the dock, walk over to the head mechanic and, very quietly, almost at a whisper, ask them to show you the car’s sex organs. Reach your hand to where you think they are, then as a reference point, gesture toward the mechanic’s genitals, then back to the car. Just do that. And film it. Send me the tape.

Is it OK to high five yourself for getting some the night before if no one else is around to share the victory? — Phil, Plano TX

I weep for those who can’t give themselves a high five. I love pouring adulation on myself. I will, on  a regular basis, throw myself “Congrats” luncheons when I’ve done something good. I go to the Golden Corral at around 10 or so, set up a big table with lots of decorations and banners, shake hands with the manager and come back two hours later. I walk into the restaurant, look really surprised, and then sit down and eat two or three pounds of macaroni and cheese before falling asleep on a pile of dinner rolls.

What is your take on the “Bros before hos” supposition? –Jacob, Garland TX

I only care for those who can bear me a child. Get off my web site, Jacob.

Kyle, I was watching Sleepless in Seattle recently and it reminded me of your uncanny ability to pick up babes. Ever since I graduated and moved back in with my old roommates (some people prefer to call them parents), chasing tail has proven infinitely tougher. I don’t even know where girls my age hang out anymore and when I tell girls who are still in college that I graduated they look at me funny. I’ve resorted to finding where the local cougars hang out and now I eat at The Corner Bakery for lunch at least three times a week. Can you help me? Thanks! –Nolan, Lewisville TX

Nolan. Your problem is a common one–not so common as to affect me, but still very common.

Women your age usually hang out at places like the mall, grocery stores, and coffee shops. They enjoy makeup, dresses, and Lisa Frank stationary. Buy them lots of these things.

The reason girls look at you weird when you tell them you’ve graduated is probably because they feel you lack proper documentation. Girls love proper paperwork. Bring your diploma around with you, preferably in a frame, and preferably on a chain around your neck. This way, girls can see your degree just by looking for you. You’ve now made yourself irresistible.

Tonight I am stuck in an airport for an extra 13 hours because there was something they called “lightning” and “gale force winds.” Due to this I was forced to miss my date with my bed and shower. Now I’m sitting in an airport watching a creepy lady take pictures of people sleeping with her camera. On a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous are you? — Jack, Flower Mound TX

1.

If you could describe Austin City Limits in one word, what would it be?–Jeff, Tulsa OK

Hippystink.

What would you say would be our best option, as a country, to turn the economy around? –Nick, Mesa AZ

Man, this is a loaded question. There are so many different ways to go about it. I think if America wants to get back on track, we need a lot more of one thing: money. How do we get money? How does anybody get money? Craig’s List. For too long, Craig’s List has been severely underutilized by the National Government. We should be using this as an international tool for getting out of debt. I’ve set up a sample ad. Feel free to use this, America.

Land for Sale – $150,000,000,000 (Rhode Island)


Date: 2009-08-09, 2:19PM EDT
Reply to: sale-73mq-1314121372@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


Antique state with great views. Lots of houses and people already there. Can be removed at buyer’s expense. Some minor flaws (High elderly population. Also can be removed at buyer’s expense.), but really a great piece of land. Perfect place to dump your country’s pesky industrial waste supply!
  • Location: America. We’re selling Rhode Island.
  • It’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
  • Willing to haggle. This State is priced to MOVE!

PostingID: 1314121372


We can also lease Will Ferrel out to the Chinese.

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