Tag Archives: list

My Favorite Posts of 2009

31 Dec

I haven’t been writing for a year, much less two years, and even less ten years, but I have been posting for roughly nine months now, and that’s at least long enough for my blog to have carried a tiny, internet child to term, so I feel that lends my blog a certain stately authority. I decided that in light of the New Year approaching, I’d look back and give my favorite pieces one more chance at the light of day.

1. The Job Interview– One of my very first posts and still one of my favorites. The narrative element–really the entire job interview concept–was added after I’d already posted another version. Originally it was a bland, tired, trite tirade on the blogging, hipster-elitist culture. I asked my friend, Derek, for feedback. His response was something along the lines of “It’s well-written, but unoriginal. Anybody can rage against that kind of machine.” I agreed completely and still do. I went back, did a complete revision with the job interview in place and the rest is history.

2. Protect Yourself: You vs. The Swine Flu, Part 1– Of all the posts I’ve done that had more than one part, this one is easily my favorite. At this point, my writing was starting to suck way, way less and actually sound like something people would read.

3. My 100th Post– I was actually really proud of myself for writing 100 posts. I bring back an old friend to my blog, President Barack Obama, and we have a ball. My GIMP cropping skills really got a work out for this one as well; I believe the pictures in this blog do the best job of any in any other posts of accenting and improving the punch of the words.

4. Interview With a Beaver– The idea for this blog was originally to have a blog from an animal’s point of view, maybe one of my fish or cats or something. However, after trying at that for awhile, it seemed like the execution would be a little more difficult than anticipated, so I decided a back and forth with IronKyle would be better.

5. Writer’s Block– This is a blog that didn’t get a whole heap of adulation when it was first released. However, this list is about which ones I like, so I’m putting it here. It’s short, it’s sweet, and I think it’s pretty sharp.

6. My Screenplay for Bat Man III– Here it is. The big mama. My first screenplay. I can’t tell you how much fun I had writing this one. It’s my only post to be labeled homophobic and misogynistic. I don’t think it is at all, really, but it makes me seem edgy, so I’m telling you now.

7. Kyle & Art vs. Facebook & “Terms of Use”– Definitely the most epic of all my posts. I had been reading Stephen King’s The Stand around the same time I wrote this one, and I think it shows. Mark Zuckerburg’s persona was a big parallel to Randall Flagg, the villain from the aforementioned novel.

8. Letter of Apology to My Childhood Self– This post kind of gave me a Homeward Bound lump in my throat when I was finished with it.

9. My Day With Stephen King– Stephen King is the man. In this post, he farts on me. I get farted on by the man. Written when I had just finished King’s The Gunslinger and was reading his memoir on the craft of writing, On Writing.

10. Kylelight– I love being able to touch on a subject that a lot of people can get a kick out of. Twilight provided me with an almost universally-known subject to lampoon. Kylelight was a post that I was actually kind of nervous about when I put it out, half expecting it to fall flat, but people liked it. The most interesting thing about it was that the people who seemed to like the post the most were Twilight fans. I like that.

Thanks, everybody. Happy New Years! I hope to be way funnier in 2010.

What I’m Going to Do Now That I’m Famous

14 May

Welcome back.

In the last two days, my blog has had roughly 250 hits. Yea. Money. Speaking of money, I should be seeing a lot more of it very soon now that I’m internet famous.

This fame (money) is going to change my life forever. I’ll never be the same. Soon, I’ll be blogging to you from the top of my pile of gold coins, typing on a platinum laptop with ivory keys. I want you all to come along for the ride with me (not in the limo, though. organize carpools). So, I’ve just kind of ran down some of the things that will change now that I’m famous (rich).

I think the first thing I’m going to do is just “drop” pants. Pants aren’t my scene. I like the idea of walking around, feeling the sun radiate off my Casper-white thighs and into the unsuspecting retinas of the less wealthy. You ever seen me without my pants on? If you’re able to read this, probably not.

The second thing I think I’ll do is buy a lot of the stuff that I’ve always wanted. I’m going to go to the nearest Sharper Image   Circuit City K-Mart Best Buy and get a really big refrigerator. Then I’m going to buy tons of delicious food to put in it– food from all over the world: lobster,  caviar from the Mediterranean, wild Spanish chicken, Cheerios from Britain (Which, over there, are actually called Hellos.).

Third, I will buy a gun.

Fourth, I will start only hanging out with people as famous as me. So, consider this a formal goodbye to all my friends who aren’t Barack Obama or the Pope. Hello to all my new friends, Barack Obama and the Pope! Oh yea, and I’ll definitely make time for the Hoff every now and then–but only while I’m in German–which will be like, all the time after I commission a team of top scientists to develop a jet pack for me.

Pictured: Me.

Pictured: Me

Fifth, I will buy the Crocs™ Shoe company and then promptly close it.

Sixth, in a form of musical experimentation, I will use my seemingly unending wealth to reinvigorate the careers of MC Hammer, Poison, and Billy Ray Cyrus. I will then see who succeeds in today’s musical climate. The winner gets to keep being famous. The losers have to live in my dungeon.

Seventh, build a dungeon.

Eighth, buy a real big coat.

Ninth, I’ll pay the writers from LOST to come to my house and explain to me HOW  THERE ARE THREE JOHN LOCKES ON THE ISLAND. After their explanation, which I’m willing to guarantee will still leave me confused and irritable, I’ll have them put in my dungeon.

Damn you.

Damn you.

Tenth. I will go on a magical boat ride with John Goodman, Eddie Vedder, Conan O’ Brien, and Shaquille O’Neal. I will blog about it. I will also Tweet about it. When I’m doing that, I will upload hundreds of photos to my facebook of me and Conan climbing Shaq and shaving Eddie Vedder’s eyebrows while he’s asleep. When Eddie wakes up, we’ll talk him into helping us make a raft that looks like it was built out of a portion of the hull and push a passed out John Goodman out to sea on it. We’ll then surround the raft with little pieces of flaming debris and sail away. He’s going to be SO PISSED. Lol. John.

The last thing I’m going to do is finally give the studios all the funding they need to create my biopic: Irion Man. It’s going to be a lot like Iron Man, but with fewer explosions and more shots of my junk.

Due out in 2011

Sauntering Uncomfortably into Theaters: Summer 2010

Get excited.

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