Tag Archives: mail bag

MAILBAG III: Second Punch, First Kill, Part 3

14 Jun

Sorry this is late. I had a friend who said he’d write a guest blog for today and didn’t. I’m not going to name any names, but if you e-mail me, I’ll give you his name, address, and other contact information.

Ok, you know the drill. Let’s get to screwin’.

Kyle,
I ordered a water at a fast food restaurant recently and was given a tiny, transparent plastic cup about half the size of the normal cups which are reserved for the people who order Coke. This happens every time I go to a fast food restaurant. I mean am I less thirsty just because I like to drink water? I was just wondering if you think America would be less fat and I would be less pissed if the water cups and the Coke cups were switched. Please help me.

–Nolan Cox, Highland Village TX

This is an excellent question. It is one that philosophers and scientists have grappled with for centuries, eons–hours, even. I consider myself a philosopher and a scientist, so the pattern goes on. I have a simple answer for you. Why are you given the clear cups? Because when fast food restaurants go through their sales at the end of the quarter, they tally up how many drinks they sold partially through the number of “Coke” cups they hand out. It’s also how they know how many health-conscious consumers they boned. There have been numerous times that I’m ordering a combo, because it’s faster, and I just get a drink so I get more for my money (water being free, water covering 70% of the earth, water being the most readily available natural resource in existence beside air, which is one of the ingredients of water). I’ve always thought that maybe they give water-drinkers the small cups as a way to push them back to drinking/buying their drinks. It’s like when people come to me and want me to give them an autograph, but without buying a licensed “Iron Kyle” photograph. To kind of steer them back towards buying the photo instead of me signing on a napkin or movie stub, I sign all un-official autographs like this:

autographI’m not sure if they actually get the message or not, but to make the difference in service clear, here’s what I give paying customers:

Please, please, please don't tell James Woods. Please don't.

Please, please, please don't tell James Woods. Please don't.

So, in summary, laziness, apathy, and glandular disorders make people fat, not plastic cups. I think if the cups were switched, you’d never order Coke again, taking millions out of the hands of fast food moguls, sending our economy into a tail spin that could only result in you living in an abandoned warehouse, peeing in a corner and rimming other vagrants for canned corn. That would sure as hell piss me off, so no, I don’t think you’d be any less pissed if they switched the cups.

Question Answer Rating: SMASHED!

—–

One day I was walkin’ through campus after it had rained and I didn’t want to soak my feet or the bottom of my pants, so I might have tip-toed through some puddles… Is that gay?

–Sam Miller, Denton TX

Hm. Tip-toeing through puddles sounds pretty effeminate. However, what would be even gayer (meaning more fitting with homosexual culture) than tip toeing is if you found a male puddle and had sexual relations with it. As long as you tip toe with an angry, begrudged look on your face, you’re OK. If you giggle and accidentally drop your satchel, you may appear “gay.” Good luck out there, Sam.

Question Answer Rating: DOMINATED!

—–

Our lifetime has seen an exponential increase in social technology. It seems more than ever we’re communicating through technology. Do you think we as a people are becoming less efficient communicators when we’re actually together?

–Lanny Thompson, Waxahachie TX

Lanny, great question. I thought for a long time about how to answer this question, and decided that the best way to analyze this issue was to dive in head first through empirical study. I met a woman on the internet, talked to her for a few days, and decided to meet up for a date. Here’s a transcription.

We met in a park in Denton, TX. She was sitting on a green, corrugated picnic table.

“Hello! Are you Kyle?” She holds out her hand.

“Hey.” I say, standing stock still. She slowly lowers her hand.

“How are you?” She asks.

“Fine. U?” I ask. I’m a good conversationalist, and am putting on a clinic in communication right now.

“Fine… Is that a frisbee you brought? I’m so bad at that. I can’t throw it more than like…two feet.”

“Lol.”

“What? Did you just say ‘lol’?”

“Haha. No. Brb.” I turn around as if I needed to do something, but quickly realized there was nothing for me to do. There’s about 20 or so seconds of gut-wrenching silence.

“Kyle, are you feeling OK?”

“Uh, I dunno. LMAO. BBL. BRB! GTG! Oh, fuck–” I throw up all over her feet. She left after that.

So, to answer your question, God in heaven, yes. Technology is a strong contributor to our disintegrating social skills.

Question Answer Rating: BONED!

—–

Is there a way to tell a girl you don’t know that she smells good without sounding creepy?

–Seaborn Sanders, Lewisville TX

Are you telling your significant other that she’s smelling good? If she is your significant other, you can compliment her fragrance without fear of being creepy. If she isn’t, well then no, there’s practically no way to tell her without sounding as creepy as a hairless cat with a hat on. *shivers

Question Answer Rating: MODERATELY RESOLVED!

—–

Do you think boxer briefs effectively hide my thunder?

–Jack McGraw, Flower Mound TX

Stop e-mailing me. Stop writing me letters, stop calling my home. I’m telling you, that restraining order isn’t some kind of fucking joke. It’s real. Stay away from me, and stay away from my family.

Question Answer Rating: TROUNCED!

—–

Where does “Kyle Irion” end and “IronKyle” begin?

–Jason Fieldman, Fort Worth TX

Oh my, that’s quite a question. IronKyle begins when the Lord of Hosts looked upon the void that was and spoke out his command for existence to commence. I think that was in like, 1987, or whatever. Let there be light. Let there be light. Kyle Irion ends when you cut his head off or shoot him with a silver bullet.

Question Answer Rating: FILLED WITH DECEIT! DECEIT FILLED!

—–

Well, there you go, everybody. Another mailbag in the books. All of these questions were sent to me by you, the people, the readers, the oil that greases the IronKyle machine my life blood. Later gators.

Oh yea, one more.

I want to hear more about C double R-E-D. Can you tell me more about the band C-Double R-E-D?

–Angela Frayre, Waxahachie TX

Angela is referencing a conversation we had in which I spelled “Creed” with two “R’s.” Isn’t she mean? I think she is. But anyway, Angela, here’s an update. Creed will be performing on Fox and Friends Morning Show on June 26th at 8 AM EST. They’re beginning a summer tour in support of their yet to be released new album, tentatively titled “Full Circle.” They’ll be in Dallas on September 22nd.

Question Answer Rating: TAKEN HIGHER!

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MAIL BAG 2–THE SEQUEL.

6 May

I always want to start my blogs with “Hello.” I think from now on, it’d be more appropriate to start my blogs with “Welcome back.”

“Welcome back.” Wow, that does sound better.

“Welcome back.”

“Welcome back.”

As the wisest of wise men, I often get questions from lost and terrified readers. They are lost–they are terrified. I’m here, though. Today’s blog is a mail bag. Eat this, internet.

I hear that you are the know it all to every question to man. Well sir, I must know, what is the origin of name for the beloved chocolate candies, M&Ms? -Ben, Denton TX

Well, Ben. I gotta say I love M&M’s, and I’m assuming you love them too. One of the “M’s” was for Forrest E. Mars Sr., creator of the M&M. The other M was for Bruce Murrie, son of then Hershey president William F.R. Murrie.

What? You wanted a joke? I don’t joke about M&M’s. I also don’t joke about dogs, terminal illness, and water. Water just isn’t funny.

I was watching “That 70’s Show” last night and Bob gave Red a pair of shoes and Red stated that shoes are an inappropriate present between dude friends. What are some other examples of this phenomenon, which I dub “bromance gifts”? Dan, Plano TX

Oh, what a fine show. Yes, there are a few things a man should never give another man as a gift. Here’s a quick list:

1. Sex and the City DVD’s. (Really, these shouldn’t be given to anyone, man or woman.)

2. Erotic undergarments

3. A framed picture of yourself

4. Clothing of any type not affiliated with a sports team or favorite band

5. Syphillis

6. A hug

Are you calling me a coward? Jack, Sweetwater OK

Listen. No. But if I was, it’d be ok, because I’m never wrong. If I make a character judgment on a person, I’m right 100% of the time. Watch this:

Bad.

Bad.

Good.

Good.

Bad.

Bad.

Good.

Good.

Bad.

Bad.

Misunderstood.

Misunderstood.

So, eat it. You are a coward, Jack from Sweetwater OK.


Hello Kyle. I have a friend here in my hometown of Denton, TX that keeps sending me notices every time he posts new material on his blog, and it’s getting incredibly irritating. How do I stop this?
Paul, Denton TX

Paul, you get the fuck over it.

Kyle, for years now me and my wife have been having great sex. Recently, though, with economic stressors, tension in our marriage has risen and I’m afraid the fire has gone out. How can I please my wife sexually?

What music do you listen to while you make love? I’ve found that I like to listen to a lot of different types of music, depending on what kind of sex I want. If I want romantic sex, I’ll listen to something with a little more of a sultry tone.If I want passionate sex, I’ll listen to more aggressive music. If I want dirty sex, I’ll listen to something particularly naughty. Other than that, if I want generic, just above mediocre sex, I’ll listen to The Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan, you know, shit. [Editor’s Note: Kyle doesn’t really have sex, he “Kyles.” So next time you’re swapping manly stories with your friends, just say “I was Kyle-ing this chick last night” or, “I was givin’ her the Kyle driver.”]

Hey Kyle, remember that one time you and I got to level 26 on Nazi Zombies? That was awesome. Sam, Denton TX

Yes. It was. I’m not even going to make a joke about that because I also don’t make jokes about art.

This economy is really worrying me. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared about my future and the future of my family. What advice can you give a provider when faced with such unsure times?

Chris, Fort Worth TX

Chris, my first advice to you is to not quit your job. Also, don’t get fired from your job. If you’re laid off, simply shake your head no, hand your pink slip back, and continue working as if nothing has happened. Your superiors will either be too confused or afraid to kick you out. How many people do you know that refuse to be laid off. None. You will from that point on receive your payment in cash, directly from your boss’s terrified wallet.

Also, keep reading IronKyle. It’s 100% recession proof.

MAIL TIME

4 Apr

I get “tons” of reader e-mail every day. People ask me all kinds of questions: relationship questions, sports questions, cooking questions, disposing of evidence questions. I try to answer as many of these as I can. Most of the responses read like this:

“You’ve e-mailed the wrong person.”

But every now and then I’ll take a few moments to sit and really think about the e-mails I receive. All your e-mails mean a lot to me, as they are tangible symbols of my fame and importance. Also, I love to help, especially when I can do it in an entertaining way, like when I helped that woman out of her burning vehicle, all the while doing my best Christopher Walken impression (“WOW your car is uh..your car is on FIRE.” Classic.).

Let’s get this shit going.

I was wondering what the precise meaning and origin of the word “dumbface” was. Does the person have to be dumb, or just look that way? And also, if you put together a Dumbface Hall of Fame, who would be in it, and what makes them qualified? i was thinkin’ maybe John Rocker and the fat kid from “Remember the Titans” for starters. –Sam, Denton TX

Sam, great question. I almost cried when I read it. For those of you who don’t know, “dumbface” is a recently innovated term describing faces that resemble the likes of this:

perfect.

perfect.

The look of “dumbface” has nothing to do with being dumb or being ugly. No, dumbface is something completely its own. Someone with dumbface perpetually adorns a look just south of confusion, maybe a little bit of “Wait, what?”. These people are sometimes called “mouth-breathers.” Obviously, the Dumbface Hall of Fame would include Eli Manning, Super Bowl Champion, as well as 14-time Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps.

mike-orioles-hat

I think in some circles, George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, could also be included; but let’s not get political.

Kyle, I hate most things. I’m an incredibly negative person who is almost impossible to please. When my friends and me go to movies, I can never get excited about them. When I meet new people, they’re always kind of spare-ish. Music is always just “all right.” I want to like things. I’m getting more and more depressed daily. Sometimes I wonder, what is life worth living if you never enjoy a second of it. What should I do?-Phil, Charlotte NC

Phil. I’m hoping this is Phil Collins. Really. If this is Phil Collins, it would make sense that you don’t like any other music–everything sucks after you’ve written a song as good as “Easy Lover.” That’s perfectly normal. I love that song “Mama” you wrote when you were with your band Genesis. Awesome, Phil. I wish you’d written the book of Genesis. The writing would be way less “holy” or “usable,” but the drum solos would be badass. Do you like the movie “Tarzan”? Ah, nevermind. I don’t care. I hope that helped.

Just got done reading your “Liveblogging” entry. How is Jane Austen in bed anyway? How proud was she? How prejudice was she? I want the dirty details. –Seaborn, Highland Village TX

Hahaha, Seaborn. You’re crazy. You are. Well, I didn’t ACTUALLY have sex with Jane Austen. You see, I was trying to appeal to the literary intellect of my professor. He didn’t like it; I mean, he kicked me out of the class. That stupid Jane Austen joke ruined my academic career. Why would you think it would be funny to bring it up again? Your name is stupid. Get off my web site. (But between you and me, she was fucking insane.)

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 4 years now. He still hasn’t mentioned anything about marriage, and every time I do, he gets really weird. I try to be calm and talk to him about it, but every time I do he kind of shuts down and asks me to please return to my seat, that he’ll “call my number when my order is ready.” What does that mean? Oh, Kyle. He’s so distant. He just stands there behind the counter and takes peoples’ coffee orders. What should I do?-Charlene, Orlando FL

Charlene. Are you at a Starbucks? Is that guy behind the counter wearing a green apron and an expression of somewhat unfounded superiority? If you answered yes to these questions, you’re at a Starbucks. Close your laptop, throw your coffee away, and leave the building. Never return. I once fell in love with a girl who worked at the Chick-Fil-A in the food court at the mall. She actually loved me back, though, so I suppose this isn’t all that relevant. My bad.

Kyle, how many gays? Lanny, Dallas TX

What?

Hey Kyle, long time reader here. Just a real quick personal question: do you think it’s funny to trick your room mate into doing illegal shit just so you can have the pleasure of yelling “April Fools!” while he’s being carted away to Denton County Corrections? You think that’s funny? I hope you die, Kyle. God in heaven I hope something terrible happens to you. I hope you get a bad batch of whiskey that actually ends up giving you some kind of cancer, any kind really, hopefully the worst kind. You know what I hope? I hope your life ends up like that lady boxer in “Million Dollar Baby,” except instead of Clint Eastwood mercy killing you with some injections, he just looks at you, snarls, and shoots you in the leg with an M1 Garand.Derek, Right Fucking Next Door

Oh hey, Derek! I love how you love to reminisce. Anyway, we’re out of milk. Can you get it this time? Kylester’s a bit low on cash, you know. The credit cruch, AIG ‘n shit, right? Love you. I used your bed as a toilet.

Well there you go, everybody. My first mail bag. Really, really good stuff. If you want to have a part in the next mail bag, e-mail me your questions to ri0026@gmail.com . Happy Saturday, everyone. Say your prayers, call your mom, apologize to your dog or cat for spaying or neutering it. It deserves that much.

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